McDonald's Revitalization Plan

Step 1: Shave Ronald's head and replace it with a smaller wig

Step 2: Made red lips bigger, more red like blood

Step 3: Give Ronald a concealed weapon in pocket

Step 4: Give discount on french fries to tweakers

Step 5: Use Sudafed to make meth amphetamine, sell to customers instead of food

Step 6: Buy a book to prevent chemical meth explosion tragedy

Step 7: Do not read book

Step 8: Why did we turn a billion dollar business into an illegal meth operation that is not even profitable?

Step 9: WE ARE ON FIRE NOW!

Photo by Qole Pejorian

Things that are floating in my morning coffee

* 1 mouse, small

* Hair, not from mouse, from a cat?

* A child's friendship bracelet, may have been worn by the mouse as the band is very small

* A bus ticket, definitely came from mouse. The ticket is from Dade County (Florida?)

* A tear-stained picture of a cat

* A Dear-John/Mouse letter, full of paw prints

* An email invitation to a mouse to come on the Montell Williams show

I get it. The mouse was trying to kill himself in my coffee. Well why didn't you say so, mouse?

I'm holding him under now. It's better that way, little guy. Just sleep...

Photo by Librarian Avenger

Intense Children of Iceland Attack!

The Icelandic children have regrouped. They have turned their natural intensity and have focused it on an all out attack on an eastern seaboard city.

They have selected Maine as the location of their first strike, because it is most like their homeland (rocky shorelines, humongous lobsters). And the US military often mistakes Maine for Canada, and therefore forgets to guard it.

The Landnámabók (The Icelandic book of Settlement) foretells of this attack. "In one and one years post the Lance Armstrong reign, the land of Hawkeye Pierce will fall to our children of way eerie stares."

Iceland is the fourth happiest place in the world. When its crazy-ass children devour the weak citizens of Augusta and Portland, Iceland will then become the second happiest place in the world (passing Amsterdam, second only to Disneyland).

Feel the rush!

Photo by lydurs

Five new flavors of "Frogurt"

You call it frozen yogurt, but I prefer the original zesty nome-de-plume of "Frogurt."

Here are the five new flavors that are set to replace chocolate, vanilla, and chocolate/vanilla swirl.

5) Copper Penny Sucking

4) Post-it Note Cut on Tongue

3) Blackberry (mobile email device)

2) James Whitcomb Reilly's Hoosier Ripple

1) Koo-Koo-Ca-Choo (based on The Beatles' "I am the Walrus." Actually, the flavor comes from the song lyric "Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.")

Call TCBY and find out when they open.

Photo by jjsawrey

The new mall

The new mall is simpler and more entertaining.

It is a JC Penney on one end and a Macy’s on another. In between is ¼ mile of bounce house floor, rubber walls, and roving packs of animals and birds.

To travel between JC Penney and Macy’s is a wonderful trip of bouncing and animal friends.

There are no Hot Topic stores or kiosks that sell Hermit Crabs.

There are no outside doors. No one enters, no one leaves.

Everyone lives forever, due to the protection from outside sunlight and zombies.

Designed, as promised, by Westfield ShoppingTown.

Photo by jurvetson

The benefits of owning a chocolate phone

1) When people call me, I pick up the chocolate phone and have a bite of chocolate.

2) No one calls me, because you cannot make a working phone out of chocolate.

3) Since you cannot make a working phone out of chocolate, I do not have any sort of phone.

4) I just sit at home and eat chocolate and wonder why no one calls.

I am 375 pounds and not as happy as I thought I would be when I hatched this plan 19 years ago.

Photo by jonmclean

I enjoyed being leg pregnant

Guest Posting from Jebby TrainChoo

As a male, I experienced the joy of childbirth. Yes, I was pregnant, but only for a few weeks. My distended belly told me so.

When it came time to give birth, I only passed a single leg. I am of the opinion that my baby will come out piece by piece, to be assembled by me outside of the womb.

When I say a leg, I mean only a leg bone. The other meat bits should come later.

Um…

Well…

You got me. I ate a chicken bone whole and it took two weeks to pass through my intestine.

I feel this is equivalent to the joy of motherhood.

Where is my baby shower, Clem?

Photo by gillfrancisco

Hey, Breakdancing is Back!

It is Boogaloo Shrimp time, holmes. Breakdancing is back, and we gonna pop this mug.

Why is breakdancing back? Because the Illuminati are bored and our folly amuses them.

Try not to act disappointed! Dirty Dancing is slated for 2009.

Photo by Steepways

Sacrifices I made for today's Colts victory.

I gave up a lot in sacrifice (to the Goat God, Yule) in order for Peyton, Marvin, Reggie, Dallas, Jeff, Dwight, and Adam to make the Superbowl.

Here were my Sunday morning sacrifies.

* One human being, homeless.

* One late model BMW 3-series.

* Two dozen scones from D&D Donut and Cake shop (they are really wonderful, not dry at all!)

* Three dogs, belonging to neighbors, "barky."

* Beer can collection (34 cans).

* Agreed to force Fox to cancel the popular show, House M.D.

* Agreed to stop eating sugar for 28 days.

That's a lot, but it takes a lot to beat the Patriots (finally).

Congrats, Colts. Let's start gathering up homeless guys in preparation of the Superbowl!

Photo by jglazer75

Stress Induced Ailments of the Eyeball

If your eyeball is acting like a total jerk, it is clearly because you have fallen victim of the many stress-induced ailments of the eyeball.

Symptom: One eyeball looks at a ladies knickers while the other is desperate to maintain eye contact.
Cause: Stress induced by secret knicker fetish.
Ailment Name: Disease of the Unmentionables

Symptom: A spot on your eyeball shows you the inner evil of your workmates.
Cause: Stress induced by covering up your boss' murdering.
Ailment Name: Enabler Eyeball of the DeathDealers

Symptom: A laser beam emits from your eye, only to be stopped by ruby quartz.
Cause: Stress induced by constant invasion of privacy from psychic professor.
Ailment Name: Scottsummersitus

Symptom: Bleeding eyeball
Cause: You are an underdeveloped James Bond villain
Ailment Name: Poor Script Writing

I hope that helps. If any of these apply to you, either smoke some "wacky tobaccy" to cut your stress down, or just gouge our your eye and be done with it.

Photo by dbking

Excuses

Clown or Wolf has either been hit by a truck or has become chronically depressed, therefore the Friday post has either gone missing or has been deleted by the government.

There is either a Saturday post that is coming or this is it and please be thankful.

Clown or Wolf or other apologizes or is offended by this misunderstanding or deliberate slight.

I will soon run out of lower case letters.

I have not been to Best Buy in a while, so I am just about out of lower case letters.

I tell you this because, when I finalLLY RUN OUT OF.... OH GOD, I JUST RAN OUT OF LOWER CASE LETTERS.

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I AM NOT SHOUTING!!! I AM ACTUALLY IN A VERY SERENE MOOD RIGHT NOW!!! I ALSO RAN OUT OF PERIODS, SO I ONLY HAVE EXCLAMATION POINTS TO USE!!! SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS ARE MORE CALMING THAN ONE, SO I'LL USE THREE TO TELL YOU THAT I AM OK, NOT UPSET OR YELLING!!!

I HAVE GOT TO GET ME SOME MORE M*THER F*CKING L*WER CASE LETTERS. I ALS* J*ST RAN **T *F THE LETTERS "*" AND "*"

CAN I B*Y S*ME WEED *FF Y**?!!!

PH*T* BY KATAY*N

Stupid F'ing Detective

I am stuck in a olde timey English castle over night because the roads are out.

The problem however, is that the butler is mental and murdering all of us one by one. To make matters worse, that stupid French or Belgium detective is too busy eating soft cheese to notice.

Hello?? Detective guy? The butler just killed the chambermaid with a candlestick? Right in front of us!

"Eet es too conveenent to bleem the but-ler," the idiot keep saying. He keeps pulling at our chins to see if any of us are wearing latex masks.

Christ! The butler is now naked and rubbing the chambermaid's blood on his chest. Doesn't the detective want to at least put the butler in handcuffs until we get this sorted out?

"The murderer es playing ento my 'ands," says the detective. Whatever, jerk!

I keep trying to enjoy my glass of wine, but I have to dump out my cup every time the butler pours poison in it.

Ah, it's not so bad. I shouldn't really complain.

Still confused about movies!

Me and my pancake eatin' buddies are back and we are still scratching our heads.

Jeb thought that The Good German was the German language translation of the film The Good. "I can't speak German, since I didn't fight in the World War," he said nailing his hand to the plate.

Jebby thought that How To Eat Fried Worms is a title missing a comma about a man who addresses an anorexic character named "Fried Worms," instructing him to eat. "Fried Worms is gonna die if he doesn't learn how to eat a taco salad," he said, failing to eat his taco salad.

Jebediah thought Pan's Labyrinth was the David Bowie film Labyrinth acted by animated frying pans. "I like how those pans hit each other in the head with a frying pan," he said, slowly dying since he forgot how to breathe.

I think that The Pursuit of Happyness is a movie about hunting and killing a joyful Lock Ness Monster. I refuse to believe otherwise.

We were confused before!

The police are here and plan to beat us severely after we finish our griddle cakes.


Photo by Jon Gos

The Moon will attack us!

The Moon sent me an email last night, and it is a dire warning.

*****

Dear Sirs –

I have had enough, and as a result I will plunge into the Earth during the next fortnight. I am thinking about striking Texas, but I might miss and take out Oklahoma too.

The reason for my attack… No one cleaned up these damn golf balls that Buzz Aldrin hit.

Sincerely,
The Moon

P.S. I am made of rock, not cheese, for the record. So if I hit the Earth, it will hurt!

*****

We must protect ourselves. Someone call the trampoline industry and have them set up a bunch around San Antonio. Also maybe someone could close the dome roof of the stadium where the Dallas Cowboys play – that couldn’t hurt.

Lastly, we should give Buzz Aldrin to the moon in a ritualistic sacrifice. Maybe that will call off the dogs?

If none of that works, it’s not really a big deal, I suppose… cause it’s only Texas!

Photo by née lennox

What is in my coffin freezer?

I just bought a new coffin-style freezer for my Arizona backyard, with the original intent to trap birds inside. Now I need freezer space, so I plugged it in. My electrical bill is $2,300 a month.

Here is what I have in the five bins.

Bin One: Clusters of trapped birds (see original use)

Bin Two: 12 Digiorno frozen pizzas and one human left hand (hand obtained legally under "fair use" laws)

Bin Three: 9 Venison steaks and one I.O.U for a matching human right hand

Bin Four: Frozen "Otter" Pops, Dreamcicles, Orange Push-Ups

Bin Five: "The Experiment" (I can't go into detail, but if you look closely in Bins Two and Three, it may give you a clue of what is going on in Bin Five!)

I hope this gives you insight to me and my family. When you come for us, please know that we do not appreciate being beaten and shot with tazer guns before arrest. Please have respect for our choice.

By the way, I can't wait for Heroes to come back!

A Tight Spot, part 3

Photo by sandcastlematt

See Part One of my adventure here: http://clownwolf.blogspot.com/2006/12/tight-spot.html

And Part Two here: http://clownwolf.blogspot.com/2006/12/tight-spot-part-2.html

I got as far as Ohio, eliminating all copies of Air Bud, when I found out that New Hampshire was still flush with the DVDs. Damn those presidential candidates. Only Dennis Kucinich pulled his weight and collected thousands of copies.

The cats did murder all NHL goalies from the Eastern Conference, but then were defeated midway through their slaughter. (The Western Conference looks now to be a cinch to take Lord Stanley's Cup.) Turns out that the cat clusters can be easily broken down into component parts by electric prod.

After the cats were defeated, they all were euthanized - except for two cats that we are saving for the Arc. Unfortunately, we forgot to check their sex and saved two boy cats. For our sake I hope they are gay.

Now our problem is even worse! Dennis Kucinich has downloaded all his copies of Air Bud into his robot brain, and he has grown to 250 feet tall. He has walked across the country and now is sitting on the site of SuperBowl XLI. He refuses to budge until we get him something crazy, I think he said "Universal Health Care for all Americans?" Wacko!

If we don't get it in time, the game will be played around his giant robot body. I only hope the Chargers and Saints can manage in a few weeks. (Whoops! I gave away the NFL's secret plan! Sorry Las Vegas!)

Does any one out there have Universal Health Care for all Americans, so we can get on and watch the SuperBowl?

My Grandma can’t stop ripping famous people’s hearts out.

Photo by totomai

Literally, she knows that ka-ra-te move where she plunges her hand in your chest and pulls the heart out, still beating. Here are the last few famous people she has done this to.

4) Ronnie Millsap – at a “Dick’s Last Stand” restaurant

3) Gary “U.S.” Bonds – at a “Ed Debevic’s” restaurant

2) Dwayne Eddie – at a “Bob’s Crab Shack” restaurant

1) Tanya Tucker – at "Hustler Hollywood" on Sunset Blvd.

How does she meet so many famous people? She is magnanimous and electric.

Why does she rip their hearts out? She is full of rage and strong like a horse.

Did they deserve to die? Yes, because she reads this website, and I’m frightened.

Why is she not in jail? She is the diplomat to Trinidad/Tobago and has immunity.

Why did Ronnie Millsap teach her this move? He really wanted to die at “Dick’s Last Stand.”

The middle part of the alphabet is sick!

I am sad to report that the middle part of the alphabet, specifically N through R, has the flu. They have asked not to be used by you for the next 3-5 days.

Yes, I am using these letters here, but they have agreed that my post will be their last use until they kick this bug. After my entry is published, these letters plan to crawl into bed with some Gatorade and the Season 1 DVDs of Without a Trace.

Some less-common full words will be stepping in to replace N, O, P, Q and R during their absense, so you can easily continue on with your life.

N duties will be handled by the word "Hilly"

O duties handled by "Yams"

P duties by "Cabbie"

Q duties by the letter "M" (Q doesn't have a lot of requests for his time, and M needs the overtime, so he's pulling double duty.)

R duties by the name "Mandel" (as in "Howie Mandel", although the "Howie" part cannot be used due to his reliance on the "O" vowel.)

So for example, the phrase "Do park the car by the Queen, not by Yoko Ono!" will be easily translated into the new phrase "DYams CabbieaMandelk the caMandel by the MueeHilly, HillyYamst by YYamskYams YamsHillyYams!"

Please adopt these changes immediately. Let's hope no more comes of this flu, although I am worried that I saw question mark throwing up in the bathroom.

HillyYamsw Yamsff tYams Bed!

France is missing

Photo by Andy Hay

It's totally crazy, but France is gone. It went missing last night right under our noses while we were asleep. Why did we drink all that rubbing alcohol?

Now you go west from Germany and you drive right into the freaking ocean, man!

Spain couldn't be more an island, and the Spanish people are crying for baguettes.

If you swim the English Channel, you have to swim a lot further and you will end up in Belgium. Oooh, the cramps!

Where did France go? Did George W. Bush bomb it cause they stole all our Freedom Fries? Did they run away because the Steve Martin version of The Pink Panther?

Wait a minute! I just found France. Turns out the country is vacationing in Thailand, enjoying the country's burgeoning sex industry.

Viva La Hummer, You Frenchies!

Me and my buddies are confused about movies!

Photograph by jon gos

Me and my pancake-eatin’ buddies are very confused about movies! Here are some excerpts from our conversations while enjoying a very fine piece of fried dough in “pancake” form at Happy Diner, which is a happy diner we eat at.

Jeb thought Little Miss Sunshine was a sequel to Stuart Little, where Stuart is trapped in a mine shaft without natural light. “That mouse makes me smile. Someone should save him or he’s gonna die of not eatin',” he said after asking a plant for a menu.

Jebby thought that Flight 93 was a sequel to a movie Flight 92. “I never seen any of those Flight movies... it must be fun to see a movie about flying all full of joy!” he said after ordering a fried water glass for his meal.

Jebadiah thought that The Departed was a movie where Dee Wallace-Stone (the Mom from E.T.) was split into two pieces by an axe. “She was nice to E.T., so it’s sad to see her die like that,” he said while eating salt with a spoon.

We were then thrown out of Happy Diner for hiding oversized bottles of ketchup in our pants.

Chicken Soup for the Hot Dog's Soul

Photo by the real janelle

This is an excerpt from the radio programme Chicken Soup for the Soul. The radio programme is read, as always, by Charlie's Angels star Kate Jackson...
______

This story is from the book Chicken Soup for the Hot Dog's Soul. I'm Kate Jackson.

Hot Dog 5 of 12 was a proud hot dog. He dearly wanted to be devoured by a young child, nourishing a smiling youngster to great things.

"Maybe I will feed a future president," he thought, as he sat packaged tightly in plastic within the Food Lion supermarket, awaiting his fate. The other hot dogs, Hot Dogs 1-4 of 12 and Hot Dogs 6-12 of 12 agreed.

The hot dogs had much anticipation as they were purchased by a man with sunglasses and placed in his refrigerator. Hot Dog 5 of 12 hoped to hear the cries of little ones, begging for meat. But instead he only heard moaning.

"Oh no, they are going to feed us to an old person!" thought Hot Dog 5 of 12. But it was much worse. The man removed Hot Dogs 1 and 2 of 12 from the package and then fed them uncooked to a large black Scottish Terrier.

"The horror" cried Hot Dog 5 of 12. That night Hot Dog 5 of 12 heard 1 of 12 and 2 of 12's cries for help in his dreams.

The very next day, Hot Dogs 3 and 4 of 12 were fed to the beast. His mealy jaws crunched their meaty bodies. Hot Dog 5 of 12 knew he was next, and excreted some hot dog juice in fear.

On his final day, Hot Dog 5 of 12, with his brother Hot Dog 6 of 12, gave in to the man with sunglasses. Accepting his fate, Hot Dog 5 of 12 presented himself to the beast. But he noticed something right before the fateful chomp. On the dog's collar, was the Presidential Seal! This was no ordinary dog... it was the Barney, the Dog of The President of the United States.

As Hot Dog 5 of 12's mind went black, his body ripped to shreds, he understood that he was nourishing something greater than some potential President of the United States, he was nourishing the current President of the United States (given that President Bush and Barney had switched bodies earlier... see here... http://clownwolf.blogspot.com/2006/12/freaky-white-house-friday.html )

Later, Hot Dog 5 of 12 became dog feces, piled high on the East Lawn. The plants grew greener that day too.

Merging the Two Most Popular Icons in Pop Culture

Photo by John Copleston

It is universally acknowledged in academic circles that the most critically and financial successful "properties" of these twentieth (nay twenty-first) centuries are these: The Motorcycle Diaries and The Vagina Monologues. They both share the #1 ranking, besting out the Indiana Jones and Die Hard trilogies by a great amount.

In a brilliant maneuver, much like the TV executive who combined Laugh In and The Beverly Hillbillies to produce Hee-Haw, I have combined these two wildly successful properties to great success.

The Motorcycle Vagina Dialogues (TMVD) is the story of Che Guevara and his buddy Alberto Granado as they travel the world, telling people stories about their lady business in graphic detail. Yes, these two men are not women. But the reason they have lady business is one of the great reveals of the work, so I dare not mention here.

As the source material is a non-fiction book, a play, and I suppose some films, which medium did I choose for TMVD? A Clay Fumetti! To the two of you who do not know the medium, this is essentially a comic book, but instead of drawn images, each frame is molded in modelling clay and photographed. The photographs are lettered with amusing dialogue and printed using conventional "paper" presses. These printed pages are then "read" or "looked at" by the public, who use currency to buy them at Borders Express. Do you understand what I am saying?

Thank you for the success of TMVD, as a man is now at my door ready to give me an over-sized cheque commemorating the financial windfall of the project, even through I have just announced it moments ago in these pages.

Carry on!

Predicted Highlights of Today's Game Between the Colts and Chiefs

Photo by jglazer75

All these predictions will come true. That is predicted!

* Kick off time will be delayed 3 minutes to get a chicken off the field. The chicken will be revealed to be the property of Colts' Kicker Adam Vinatieri.

* Colts Quarterback Peyton Manning will throw a ball straight up in the air which will get stuck in the ceiling rafters. Staff at the RCA Dome have an extra-long broom handle, used in exactly these cases.

* Chiefs Tight End Tony Gonzalas will attempt to "hide" under the Astroturf in a misdirection play. The play will fail when the Colts defense notices the extremely large bump in the carpet.

* Chiefs Running Back Larry Johnson will score a touchdown and stick out his tongue at injured running back Priest Holmes. Holmes will then shed a single tear.

* Colts Defensive End Dwight Freeney will sack Chiefs Quarterback Trent Green. Then they will take off their helmets and make out.

* Down by 13, Colts Receiver Reggie Wayne will catch a touchdown pass. To the shock of the crowd, he will then reveal he is wearing the "Double Points Talisman" around his neck, which doubles the points of any scoring play, making the 7 point play worth 14. (The Talisman is an ancient artifact from George Hallas, and many in the NFL do not believe it exists. It may be played only once in a generation.)

* After a final score in regulation of 64-64, and seven overtime periods of no scoring, the game will devolve into a knife fight, very reminiscent of Micheal Jackson's "Bad" video. After Marvin Harrison stabs the final Chief player (Cornerback Ty Law), the Colts will be declared the winner, and will be scheduled to play the Baltimore Ravens next week.

Pointless Attack of a Random Person from Wikipedia

Feeling angry, I hit “random article” in Wikipedia and have planned to rip the first person to come up a new “a-hole.”

It’s your unlucky day “Paul LaFarge” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_LaFarge), author of Haussman, or the Distinction.

Ready? Begin.

Yale sucks, but even your alma mater wouldn’t even hire you to teach writing, LaFarge! You got stuck on staff at Wesleyan, ha ha.

Edmund White may have called your novel an "imaginative -- indeed, a hallucinatory – approach.” But I call the same novel “simply unreadable” mainly because I just heard of it and therefore could not have ever read it.

Are your novels featured in the window of my nearby Borders Express? No, they are not!

Sure you are the recipient of a Guggenheim grant, big deal! Have you ever been to the Guggenheim museum, like me? Of course not! That building is Frank Lloyd Wright’s last major work and is widely revered… unlike you!

You are clearly only the world’s second leading scholar on the work of Paul Poissel. I AM THE WORLD’S LEADING SCHOLAR OF PAUL POISSEL, YOU BIG JERK.

Yours kindly,
Gregory Rice

P.S. I see you are in tight with the McSweeney’s guys… care to introduce me to them?

How to Get Back at Your Seven Year Old

Photo by yamabobobo

Spray paint your remote control white.

Tell the seven-year-old you bought her the Nintendo Wii.

Put on an episode of Dora The Explorer.

Tell her to start playing by waving the remote around.

When she gets frustrated that Dora is non-responsive, tell her the Wii is not working because she has been bad and the Wii is angry.

The twist to this... it's not even my seven-year-old! I don't even really know her!

Add a "Virus" to Your Food for a Zesty Kick!

Photo by post apocalyptic design

Forget that less-than-a-man Emeril and that vicious Rachel Ray person (she really is a nasty human being). If you want to add some wonderful flavor to your food, just add a "virus!"

Viral cooking has been around the Internet for years, as people "pass on" recipes that catch like wildfire. But did you know that viruses also exist in real life, as people "pass on" these viruses using their bodily fluids?

These viruses have many uses. They can make you deathly ill. They can make your bowels explode with liquid waste. And they can taste delicious!

Some major spinach farmers and chain restaurants and are all ready exploring these viruses to tasty results. How can you take advantage of this hot (zone) trend? Here are some ideas.

Add avian lymphomatosis virus to meat loaf. Result: a spicy "garlic" taste plus Marek's disease.

Add influenzavirus C to pasta primavera. Result: a spicy "lemon" taste plus a local epidemic in humans and pigs.

Add pseudocowpox to your Asian chicken salad. Result: a strong, spicy "manure" taste plus ring/horseshoe shaped scabs on your teats.

Simply put: If you don't add viruses to your food, you are a pussy.

BMW Drivers Do Us a Great Service: They're Royal Assholes!

Picture by Andy Fogg

There is a fine service that the BMW Drivers of America provide... they are major league assholes! We should salute these yeomen as they cut us off on the freeway, float from lane to lane without regard for others, and talk to other assholes on their cells.

Why should we praise them? For one, they have earned the right to be an asshole. They have decided they should not "save money" or "live in a nice house" in order to afford the lease payment of these very expensive Performance Machines.

But more importantly, society needs assholes. Here is an example that many of you have experienced in your day-to-day life.

Zor, God of Goats, needs to rip apart a human for his weekly sacrifice.

"Should I pick the poor person? The minority? The single working mother? Decisions, decisions..."

Then Zor is cut off on the 210 freeway by a blue BMW 328i Coupe that is changing three lanes at once.

"Of course," he thinks. And the decision is made for him.

I could print several other examples here: involving cannibals, serial rapists, and testers of poison - who all need to select a "random" person for a nefarious task.

Isn't it comforting that there is a BMW asshole ready to take the bullet for us all?

By the way, assholes, I hear the Z4s are quite a kick! Lease one today!

My Dog Loves a Good Crack on the Face

Photo by k_soggie

Most dogs love their owners to pet them. Mine loves a good belt across the face!

I used to name my dog Barney. But after all the smacks he got, we changed his name to "Ole' Punch N' Face."

Is it cruel? Nope. Cause he asks for it, literally! When I want to communicate with my dog, I print out 100 random sentences on 100 papers and scatter them across my apartment. If he steps on one, I do what he wants.

Whenever I put "Punch me in the face" right in front of him, he steps on it! One punch later, his mouth says "yelp!" but his eyes say "thank you!"

Should I take him to my anger management class? I'm all better now and shouldn't be going, but I think my dog OPNF has some major issues!