Zagat's guide to Methamphetamine

Addicts love the "intense focus" of the drug, especially as it gives you a "big buzz," adding that it's "highly addictive." Although some were less impressed by the side effects of "night terrors" and "habitual loss of teeth." All this said, locals love the drug you can "make at home" given it doesn't "explode and kill you."

Swords will cut you WIDE OPEN!

Maybe the best thing Channel 101 has ever done. www.channel101.com

People who are beating John McCain in the polls right now

According to the latest AP poll of likely Republican voters...

Fred Thompson (unannounced)

Micheal Bloomberg (unannounced, no party)

Al Gore (unannounced, other party)

James Marsters (actor portraying Cyclops from the X-Men movies)

John Daley (recovering alcoholic golfer)

Jimmy the Greek (former CBS odds maker, likely racist)

Geico Cavemen (fictional cavemen)

Shoe Salesman, unnamed (generic retail occupation)

Lamp (inanimate appliance, also generic)

John McCain, 2000 version (past self, not eligible to run)

The only people not beating in this poll are McCain are Dick Chaney (undead) and George W. Bush (not eligible for 3rd term, also horrible horrible fucking president, really bad).

The best scene from The Bourne Ultimatum

INT: AFL-CIO HEADQUARTERS – DAY

BOURNE sits across from AFL-CIO President, John Sweeney

BOURNE: You’ve seen my Identity, and you know my Supremacy...

BOURNE slides an envelope across the table.

BOURNE: The terms are non-negotiable.

CUT TO:
CLOSE UP – THE ENVELOPE

Sweeney's hands open it. It reads. “No health benefits.”

SWEENEY (VO): (gulp)!

Harry Potter's success 100% due to Scientology

That's right, Hogwartophiles, the only reason your beloved book series sells at all is that all Level 12 and below Scientologists are required to buy 100 copies to give out for free on Hollywood Blvd.

It is no coincidence that Dianetics finally fell off of the New York Times best seller charts right when Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone debuted. It's all a part of the plan, people!

PROOF!

J K. Rowling is an anagram for Growl Jink (a jink is one of those aliens that live inside you and make you fail personality tests.)

Hedwig the Owl is the same color as L. Ron Hubbard's bleached white skin (post yacht death).

The actor who portrays Ron Weasley will turn to Scientology as soon as he realizes there are no parts for him once the Potter movies end.

And the final nail in the coffin!

Read the book The Secret. The 'Real Secret,' turns out, if you read the third letter of every paragraph, is that Harry Potter based on the real life wizard lover of Tom Cruise! Or maybe Travolta! (I admit I have not read the book.)

Without your precious Scientologists, your precious Harry Potter will have been read only as much as the Goosebumps series (which still is pretty good at the end of the day. Well done.)

Sharks represent 40% of the "People" on Facebook

Young ladies, be warned! Your precious Facebook was just an elaborate ruse by Tiger and Great White Sharks to lure you into a social networking sense of security.

When "Judd from Laguna" asks you to meet him "in the ocean," your answer must be no! Judd is actually a shark with rubber tipped fins, Internet access, and saint-like patience with a keyboard.

Once you are in the ocean, the shark will first confirm your identity (you will be wearing a rose on your bikini top). Then he will eat you.

Why did you abandon My Space, oh youths of 2007? The worst predator on that site was the Morey Eel, easily defeated with a sharp kick to the face.

Clown Vs. Wolf Battle Summaries

Rounds 41 to 45

41: Mexican Wrestling Radiation Clown vs. Tired Brittle Bone Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by urinating on wrestling mask, causing radiation chain reaction.

42: Jason Bourne Clown vs. Abe Vigoda Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by exposing Bourne to memories that he was never loved, dry old man Wolf wit used to maximum effectiveness.

43: Robot Sonic Boom Clown vs. New Born Wolf Puppies. Result: Wolf wins by being too small to be effected by sonic boom. Boom then reflected off urine-resistant sheets, destroys robot Clown.

44: Friday the 13th Jason Vorhees Clown vs. Jamie Lee Curtis Wolf. Result: Wolf uses Freaky Friday powers to change bodies with Clown, sticks large knife in neck, switches back. Linsey Lohan looks on with approval.

45: Me Clown vs. You Wolf. Result: You win, as always.