My New Best Friend Podcast - 2nd ep up, and now on iTunes!

Here is the link again, but know that iTunes is up and running. Subscribe to the show there!

Ep 2 brings us Ike Barinholtz, a nice man who is either best known for Mad-TV or soulful Mix Tapes.

http://battlefight.libsyn.com/

And here is an iTunes link...

My New Best Friend

Is not John Ducey.

Join Ducey is in his quest to find a new best friend.

I help him each week, but do not step up to the role myself. That would be unnatural.

Coming soon to iTunes, but you can download it now here.

http://battlefight.libsyn.com/

All the websites are different if you type in eee instead of www

It's true.

eee.google.com is a site where ducks discuss current affairs.

eee.netflix.com is a web site where former wedding planners blog about what is wrong with wedding planning (hint: it's all the planning).

eee.jamesandthegiantpeach.com is a web site that claims we live in a universe where JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH was never made! Though it clearly was, I saw it with my daughter on VHS tape.

eee.ebay.com is an auction website in which you can bid on pirated Hulk Hogan items. In addition to many other products. It's very similar to the www version, just with a mild emphasis on Hulk Hogan

eee.hulkhogan.com is a site with a link that directs you to www.hulkhogan.com. It also features a picture of the wrestler "Goldberg."

There are countless others. Actually only one other.

WHAT KIND OF DIMENSION WILL YOU DISCOVER WHEN YOU... MISTYPE A WEBSITE!

Guest Blogger,
Sam Elliot

Goodbye Dog is Official

The entire purpose of this blog has been fulfilled, because Goodbye Dog is a reality.

Thanks so much for the perfect prototype from Steve Hantz as brokered by Evan Finch.

It worked perfectly. I said Goodbye to Dog and he cried and left. I feel great. I want another.

Original Post below... Spring Break!

________

Hello Kitty is yesterday's news. There's no money in it.

You say Hello to Kitty, and then Kitty stays there. There is no need to buy more Kitty, since you said Hello and why would Kitty leave?

I have invented a new success - Goodbye Dog!

There is much money in this for me, yes. When you say Goodbye to Dog, the Dog is sad and leaves. You get the joy of making Dog sad, and then you have no more Dog. To get the joy of sad Dog, you have to buy another Goodbye Dog for you to say Goodbye to it.

The cycle repeats endlessly.

$$$!

Here is more trivia for you.

Where does Goodbye Dog go when you say Goodbye? To Rusty's tavern in Tampa, FLA. 2 for 1 Hurricanes!

Spring Break!

Dude, why didn't you wake me up?

The power went out 3 months ago due to the Jack Frost Storm of great December. My alarm clock has been flashing 12:00 ever since.

Dude, I only woke up because a stray cat made it into my house, attracted to my long beard (now a home for birds). The feral cat killed 2 birds and tore open my right nostril.

I've been asleep so long, I've forgotten all my power chords.

Did I miss the Lovin' Spoonful concert?

I did?

Why... Why... Why didn't you wake me up?

I will drown my sorrows with my only comfort. I now can check the paper on the progress of my favorite candidate for president, Bill Richardson.

NOOOOO!

Gravity, the Silent Killer?

ALL OF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH GRAVITY IS KILLING US.!!!... BONES ARE SHIFTING AND THAT IS NOT WHAT WAS INTENDED. AN ASTRONAUT IN SPACE LIVED TO BE 120 AND THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT WHAT ****YOU**** TO KNOW???

A MAN ONCE FELL FROM A BUILDING MANY FLOORS AND THIS DID NOT KILL HIM, BUT HIS BONES COULD NOT HEAL UPWARDS BECAUSE GRAVITY WAS MOVING THEM DOWN. NOW HE IS 5'11" AND CANNOT WALK. CONSPIRACY???

TELL THE GOVENMENT TO TURN GRAVITY OFF AFTER YOU PUT A ROPE AROUND YOUR HOUSE TIED TO A TREE OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VOTE GRAVEL.

Love,

RUTGER HAUER Jr.

Excerpt of Recent Episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Is anyone over there at Playhouse Disney paying attention. I think some college kids are goofing on the scripts (pun intended).

Here is an excerpt...

________________

Mickey: Let's find Minnie. She's hiding behind one of three bushes. Which bush is she hiding behind? (Pause for kid to yell at home). Bush #1? Let's check!

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1).

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Sam Jackson.

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush.)

Mickey: Huh. Sam Jackson... Now what bush should we look at? (Pause for kid to yell.) Bush #1 again? Really? OK.

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1 again.)

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Sam Jackson. Just like before.

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush again.)

Mickey: Now what bush should we look at? (Pause for kid to yell.) Bush #1 again? You've picked it twice all ready. (Pause.) OK, OK, all right!

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1).

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Samuel L. Jackson.

Jackson: You remembered the "L"!

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush again.)

Mickey: Now what bush should we look at? Remember, we picked bush #1 three times now. (Pause for kid to yell.) I'm just going to pick bush #2 anyway.

(Guy Richie comes from behind bush #2).

Guy Richie: I'm married to a pop singer lady.

Mickey: What is happening here?

(Richie winks then drops behind bush.)

Mickey: We are looking for Minnie. I'm not sure why these people are here. I'm going to look behind bush #3, the last bush. (Wait for kids to yell at the TV.) No, not bush #1 again! Bush #3.

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #3).

Mickey: It's Sam Jackson again! Jackson, what are you doing?

Jackson: I moved to this bush!

Mickey: Where is Minnie? Minnie? Minnie?

(Minnie walks up, eating a sandwich.)

Minnie: What's going on here?

The New State Names

With the election coming up, it's time to change all the names of the states that are currently awful.

New Jersey discovered that they are not that much newer than the original Jersey. Therefore New Jersey changes its name to Different Jersey.

North Dakota changes its name to South Canada, cause we in the US don't want it anymore.

West Virginia changes its name to Scary Virginia. Have you seen those people? Horrible.

Nevada changes its name to Aggressive Prostitute State with Gambling and Meth.

Arizona changes its name to Used To Live Elsewhere And Now Are Dying State.

And Guam changes its name to Now We Are A State Yeah!, although they are still not a state and this is just wishful thinking.

Why won't your state change its name? Is it stuck up?

Opening Remarks at 2007 Loggers Conference Rural Colorado

Listen, settle down!

What you just saw was not Bigfoot. a) Bigfoot doesn't exist, and b) he certainly is taller than that.

Jerry, what do you think you can do with that golf club? You can hurt it with that. He'll tear your arms off.

I mean, there is no Bigfoot outside at all. It's the wind, or a wolf, or a hairy man most likely.

Ron, board that window up, will you?

Anyway, here is the agenda for today. At 10, we will hear from the Skil company to discuss their latest line of chainsaws. At 11, we will hear a speach called "The Beaver: Friend not Foe." At 12, Lunch will be--

OH GOD! RUN! RUN!!!!

It's Time Again to Play... Kiss or Fight! (Article from Tiger Fight Magazine)

You know the rules...

1) The postman

A: FIGHT!

2) Defenseless Puppy

A: FIGHT!

3) A wolverine with jaws and claws bound in leather

A: KISS!

4) Paris Hilton in girlie underwear

A: FIGHT!

5) Prostitute whom you have all ready paid.

A: KISS!

6) John Ashcroft

A: FIGHT!

7) Now Ashcroft is unconscious

A: FIGHT!

8) You pummel his unconscious body, severly damaging it

A: FIGHT!

9) Now he is an unrecognizable pulp

A: KISS!

10) Your pals at Tiger Fight Magazine

A: KISS

I used Blue's Clues to Stop the Terrorists

Blue had his paw prints on a dynamite belt, a downtown mall, and a manifesto entitled "Death to Bruce Willis."

I sat in my thinking chair and thinked, thinked, thinked.

Then I realized that the dynamite belt... could be used by Bruce Campbell to blow up... the manifesto about shopping malls - no wait. That's wrong.

What if the dynamite... was used to blow up a mall... where Bruce Campbell... was doing a celebrity appearance?

I went the mall where Bruce Campbell was speaking and success! The Terrorists did not blow up the star of "Evil Dead 2" and "Brisco Country Jr."

While I was there I heard that the Mall of America was hit during a "Return of Bruno" reunion concert, but you can't be everywhere at once!

Yours,
Steve or Joe
(I can't remember which one I am)

The Kindergarten Treasure Chest

Every child gets rated on a stoplight every day in Kindergarten. Green for good. Yellow for caution. Red for bad.

If you stay on green all day you get a plastic gold coin. You can get one coin every day you are good. If you collect 10 coins, you get to go to the treasure chest.

What's in the treasure chest? Human fingers.

Wanna guess what happens to you when you are on red?

You have to bite off a finger of a hobo's corpse and put it in the treasure chest.

Did you think the fingers in the box were from the children? That's gross and you're sick. There are no children's severed fingers in the box.

Unless it's from a hobo child, of course.

What a fire ant thinks before a bite

Fire


Fire


Fire


Move


Feel


Bite?


No Bite?


Move


Fire


Fire


Feel


Bite?


Meat!


Oh, crap my thorax! I think I pulled a muscle in my thorax! Who's got an Advil? Jesus. Where the hell's the queen? Call Betty. Please... Where was I... Oh right...


Meat?


Bite!

Can You Grade My Fantasy Football Team?

Running Back - Tiki Barber

Quarterback - Michael Vick

Wide Receiver - "No Catch" Greesehands (his real name)

#2 Receiver - "Bummy" McFumble (his real name)

Kicker - Kathy Ireland from Necessary Roughness

#2 Kicker - Catherine Zeta Jones from T-Mobile Ad

Defence - Hufflepuff (Slytherin went right before me, damn!)

Tight End - Edward James Olmos (we get 0.5 point for every pockmark on his face)

Sounds bad, but I'm the favorite in my league since no one will play with me and therefore I WIN!

Zagat's guide to Methamphetamine

Addicts love the "intense focus" of the drug, especially as it gives you a "big buzz," adding that it's "highly addictive." Although some were less impressed by the side effects of "night terrors" and "habitual loss of teeth." All this said, locals love the drug you can "make at home" given it doesn't "explode and kill you."

Swords will cut you WIDE OPEN!

Maybe the best thing Channel 101 has ever done. www.channel101.com

People who are beating John McCain in the polls right now

According to the latest AP poll of likely Republican voters...

Fred Thompson (unannounced)

Micheal Bloomberg (unannounced, no party)

Al Gore (unannounced, other party)

James Marsters (actor portraying Cyclops from the X-Men movies)

John Daley (recovering alcoholic golfer)

Jimmy the Greek (former CBS odds maker, likely racist)

Geico Cavemen (fictional cavemen)

Shoe Salesman, unnamed (generic retail occupation)

Lamp (inanimate appliance, also generic)

John McCain, 2000 version (past self, not eligible to run)

The only people not beating in this poll are McCain are Dick Chaney (undead) and George W. Bush (not eligible for 3rd term, also horrible horrible fucking president, really bad).

The best scene from The Bourne Ultimatum

INT: AFL-CIO HEADQUARTERS – DAY

BOURNE sits across from AFL-CIO President, John Sweeney

BOURNE: You’ve seen my Identity, and you know my Supremacy...

BOURNE slides an envelope across the table.

BOURNE: The terms are non-negotiable.

CUT TO:
CLOSE UP – THE ENVELOPE

Sweeney's hands open it. It reads. “No health benefits.”

SWEENEY (VO): (gulp)!

Harry Potter's success 100% due to Scientology

That's right, Hogwartophiles, the only reason your beloved book series sells at all is that all Level 12 and below Scientologists are required to buy 100 copies to give out for free on Hollywood Blvd.

It is no coincidence that Dianetics finally fell off of the New York Times best seller charts right when Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone debuted. It's all a part of the plan, people!

PROOF!

J K. Rowling is an anagram for Growl Jink (a jink is one of those aliens that live inside you and make you fail personality tests.)

Hedwig the Owl is the same color as L. Ron Hubbard's bleached white skin (post yacht death).

The actor who portrays Ron Weasley will turn to Scientology as soon as he realizes there are no parts for him once the Potter movies end.

And the final nail in the coffin!

Read the book The Secret. The 'Real Secret,' turns out, if you read the third letter of every paragraph, is that Harry Potter based on the real life wizard lover of Tom Cruise! Or maybe Travolta! (I admit I have not read the book.)

Without your precious Scientologists, your precious Harry Potter will have been read only as much as the Goosebumps series (which still is pretty good at the end of the day. Well done.)

Sharks represent 40% of the "People" on Facebook

Young ladies, be warned! Your precious Facebook was just an elaborate ruse by Tiger and Great White Sharks to lure you into a social networking sense of security.

When "Judd from Laguna" asks you to meet him "in the ocean," your answer must be no! Judd is actually a shark with rubber tipped fins, Internet access, and saint-like patience with a keyboard.

Once you are in the ocean, the shark will first confirm your identity (you will be wearing a rose on your bikini top). Then he will eat you.

Why did you abandon My Space, oh youths of 2007? The worst predator on that site was the Morey Eel, easily defeated with a sharp kick to the face.

Clown Vs. Wolf Battle Summaries

Rounds 41 to 45

41: Mexican Wrestling Radiation Clown vs. Tired Brittle Bone Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by urinating on wrestling mask, causing radiation chain reaction.

42: Jason Bourne Clown vs. Abe Vigoda Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by exposing Bourne to memories that he was never loved, dry old man Wolf wit used to maximum effectiveness.

43: Robot Sonic Boom Clown vs. New Born Wolf Puppies. Result: Wolf wins by being too small to be effected by sonic boom. Boom then reflected off urine-resistant sheets, destroys robot Clown.

44: Friday the 13th Jason Vorhees Clown vs. Jamie Lee Curtis Wolf. Result: Wolf uses Freaky Friday powers to change bodies with Clown, sticks large knife in neck, switches back. Linsey Lohan looks on with approval.

45: Me Clown vs. You Wolf. Result: You win, as always.

Steven Baldwin's new show

Steven Baldwin's new show is called "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club" and the premise is simple...

Steven invites young women to his Yacht and they enjoy a few drinks.

That's it. Pretty innocent, really. Nothing else happens.

What? "Rape Club?" Sure it sounds bad, but it can't be further from the truth.

So why did Steven Baldwin choose to call his show "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club?"

Um...

To warn women against the dangers of going to his yacht! Yeah, that's-- no! Why would he have to warn anyone? It's all prefectly sweet.

In fact, just so the girls don't drink and drive, he gets Daniel to drive them home.

Oh... I get it now.

The Top Five Movies of 2007

Although 2007 is just half done, this list will not be revised at year's end.

5) Rescue Dawn, Ratatouille, Zodiac, Once, 300, the Namesake, Grindhouse, and Waitress (tie)

4) Le Shgr - Dutch/Polish film so obscure that it does not exist

3) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - a page turner!

2) Goodfellas (1990) - surprised more critics didn't catch this one

1) Voices in my head - not the film, the actual voices, never stopping

Nicknames for ole Pops

My Ole Pops has many nicknames.

His real name is James S. Pork

So his buddies called him "Spicy Pork"

Which then turned into "Carnitas"

Which they shortened to "Car"

So then they called him "Automobile"

Which became "Model-T (the original Automobile)" then "Mr. T"

"Mr. T" morphed into "B.A." (T's A-Team nome de plume)

"B.A." turned into "Burnt Almonds" which then turned to "Arsenic"

"Arsenic" lasted for a day before they called him "Old Lace"

When they called him "Old Lace," James S. Pork snapped and ate his friends. Uncooked.

He is in prison now, and I never visit.

Above is a picture of James K. Polk since no known picture is available for ole Pops James S. Pork.

Though I call him ole Pops, he is clearly not by father, you of course know this.

Transcript of when I called WingStop and Troy Aikman answered

Troy: WingStop, we got wings!

Me: Hi, can I place an order for...

Troy: Superbowl rings? Mine aren't for sale. Kidding. How can I help you?

Me: Umm... can I place an order for 10 hot and 10 lemon pepper.

Troy: I'm not gay, I finally got married.

Me: Sorry?

Troy: These are the best wings ever. We've won festivals and such.

Me: Oh. Um...

Troy: I've won many, many Superbowls as a quarterback. Do you recognize me?

Me: You are a quarterback?

Troy: For the NFL. Maybe you heard of it.

Me: Um...

Troy: Guess!

Me: I wanted some celery sticks too.

Troy: Guess who I am, you are so smart!

Me: Roger Staubach?

Troy: Staubach?

Me: Farve?

Troy: He's only won once! I said many.

Me: Joe Montana? Awesome!

Troy: No! Troy Aikman. I'm Troy Aikman.

Me: Oh. (pause.) I thought you said you weren't gay.

Troy: I'm not!

(Long pause.)

Me: So just the wings and celery then.

Troy: You want blue cheese?

Me: Sure.

Prof. Snape's lines cut from the latest Harry Potter film

* Potter, just because the sign says one dozen cookies, doesn't mean you have to eat one dozen cookies.

* This is my pet dog, Potter, he is very sick.

* Grainger, never refuse when someone offers you a mint.

* Weasley, does your HD TV have HDMI input?

* It's Red Vines on the west coast, Potter! Twizzlers on the east coast!

* Prof. Dumbledoor loaned me this sweater. Do you like it, Potter?

* What do you mean there is no Prof. Fondlebottom? Weasley?

* My pet dog is all better, Potter. Thank you for asking.

* You have never read Watchmen, Grainger? It is like literature, Grainger.

* Potter, I am really evil. Look to me to kill someone you love very soon. Potter.

Goodbye Dog!

Hello Kitty is yesterday's news. There's no money in it. You say Hello to Kitty, and then Kitty stays there. There is no need to buy more Kitty, since you said Hello and why would Kitty leave?

I have invented a new success - Goodbye Dog!

There is much money in this for me, yes.

When you say Goodbye to Dog, the Dog is sad and leaves. You get the joy of making Dog sad, and then you have no more Dog. To get the joy of sad Dog, you have to buy another Goodbye Dog for you to say Goodbye to it.

The cycle repeats endlessly.

$$$!

Here is more trivia for you. Where does Goodbye Dog go when you say Goodbye?

To Rusty's tavern in Tampa, FLA. 2 for 1 Hurricanes! Spring Break!

Non irony alert

Did you know that if you give a voice mail to a podcast, someone from a major newspaper will post it on their blog? It's like all web 2.0 and stuff.

Anyway I submitted a voice mail on my fave movie podcast Filmspotting and it got written up (briefly) by tribune critic Michael Phillips. Check out item #2 on the blog.

My podcast voice mail mention on this blog makes me more famous than George Clooney. Suck it, Clooney.

The blog...

http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/talking_pictures/2007/07/two-from-out-th.html

And the postcast... (Filmspotting is terrific always, BTW)

http://www.filmspotting.net/2007/07/filmspotting-167-sicko-transformers-top.html

Ah Clooney, I can't stay mad at you!

Condoleezza Nice!

While she may be the heart and soul of the worst presidential administration since fuckin' Taft, I think Condoleezza Rice should be called Condoleezza NICE!

Why do I say so?

* When told she made Time Magazine's list of 100 Most Influential People, she said "Aw Shucks, Fellas."

* Her policy of Transformational Diplomacy is based on democratic values, which are nice values generally.

* Refuses to waterboard people, at least personally.


Since Condie is such a sweetie, I think we should think of other nicknames for famous Rices.

* SF 49er player Jerry Rice is now called Jerry Thrice, for his three or more Super Bowl rings.

* Author Anne Rice is now called Anne Ice, for her chillingly realistic depiction of Tom Cruise as a gay vampire.

* Boston Red Sox player Jim Rice is now called Jim Lice, for his refusal to wash his uniform that led to an infestation of grubs.

* Gary Hart's friend Donna Rice is now called Donna Vice, cause she had sex with that one guy once.

And I should be called Greg Mice, cause Mice is allllll I eat!