It is Time to Regulate Baby Caffeine

Photo by Wayne Cheese

I think the FDA needs to crack down on Gerbers' Baby Awake and other similar caffeinated products for babies.

Babies are not truck drivers! There is no practical reason to keep them up 36 hours straight. Yes, you can win bar bets, but that is the only real use of these products.

The pills have nasty side-effects of aggression. The young tyke pictured here (call him "Dexter") wrestled a salt water squid out of the ocean and began to devour it raw... all hopped up on Earth's Best Brand of Uppers called "Happy Baby No Sleepies"

There are five babies pounding on my door right now, and I am sure all affected by the drugs. They are babbling something sounding like "Warriors! Come Out To Play!" One has milk bottles on his fingers.

Why are these babies threatening me 15 minutes until midnight on New Year's Eve???

Mr. Ballooney Man is a Jerk at Condo Board Meetings

Photo By Shaun Woods

I am a guy who is pretty tolerant of handicaps, but it seems that my condo board is bending over backwards to meet all of Mr. Ballooney Man's "special needs."

It started as a reasonable request: to remove all sharp edges from the pool area, as Mr. Ballooney Man is rightly afraid of a nasty pop.

But then Mr. Ballooney Man asked for us to stop using staples in our monthly bulletin. ("They can be bent into a pin!" he claimed, in his high Drama Queen voice.)

He also asked for us to stop playing our Philip Glass records, as his piercing non-rhythmic tones pulsate his body to "dangerous levels." Every other person in the complex loves Philip Glass (that is why we moved here!), so this is not a popular request.

The final straw came when he asked for the board to supply him with free prostitutes to "keep him inflated." I don't know what this means, but it seems dirty to me!

Now Mr. Ballooney Man has spent $4,500 of our budget on prostitutes in the past two weeks, and everything in the building is covered in soft foam. Help!

Have Fun Literally Wasting Your Time (Part 1)

Photo by Paul Keleher

This is the beginning of a series of recommendations from Clown vs. Wolf on how to waste your time.

To people in foreign lands, Americans have too much time and do not value family relationship building. While you need every hour of every day just to survive (e.g. tracking and killing boar, fending off typhoid, running from volcanic lava, etc.), Americans like to flaunt their good fortune by wasting time, doing nothing until they die.

So hopefully, to you Americans, these suggestions will allow you to "get on with it" and waste time better (rather than productively coming up with ideas to waste it).

1) At the mall, buy 10 pairs of jeans at JC Penney. Wait outside the store for 10 minutes. Then return the jeans. Repeat.

2) At the mall, beg and plead the owner of Cinnebon to give a free sample. Eat the sample. Repeat.

3) At the mall, throw a penny in the fountain. Take off your socks, wade in, and fish it out. Repeat.

4) At the mall, go to the GAP, look for a piece of clothing that is not your size. Ask the salesperson to find it in your size. If they cannot find your size, repeat with another piece of clothing. If they find your size, do not purchase the item, but instead repeat process with another piece of clothing. Repeat.

5) At the mall, go to the Disney Store. Insist that Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch is a princess and all of her toys should be in the Princess Section. Make them move the toys on threat of a call to the Hawaiian Defamation League. Leave the store. Come back in with a fake mustache and ID from Disney Corporate, yell at the employees, and insist that move everything back. Repeat.

6) At the mall, go to Starbucks. Purchase 1/4 pound of coffee, ground. Mix it with a bottle of water and drink. Insist that their coffee does not work and demand a refund. Once the refund is given, exit the store, reenter and repeat.

7) At the mall, go to Pretzel store. Present yourself as the new employee they hired. Eat free pretzels and throw salt in their eyes. Run away. Repeat.

8) At the mall, go to the Tiger store. Tell the employees their shoes are untied. Karate chop them. Set the tigers free. Watch the tigers attack and eat free pretzels from your time at the pretzel store. If the tigers attack you, give them the pretzels. Once the tigers have been darted with tranqs, wait until the drugs wear off, then repeat.

9) At the mall, go to the 99 cent store. Give them a dollar and tell them to keep the change. You are now their king. Ride around the store in a shopping cart, opening packs of Juicy Fruit at your whim. Then abdicate the throne for the love of a woman. Repeat.

10) At the mall, go to the computer store. Plug computer into NORAD and change the chess game to "Global Thermal Nuclear War." Even though the only way to win is 'not to play', insist on playing. Run. After war is over, Repeat.

If you have suggestions on wasting time, please add them as comments. Once we have over 500 we will publish this as a book for cash money! $$$$$$$$$$

It's Off To The Racists!

Photo by Jeff Hitchcock

With Apocalypto blazing the box-office, and Micheal Richards hotter than ever, racism is all the rage in Hollywood!

Check out the latest goings-on in Tinseltown!

* At the premiere of Charlotte's Web, Dakota Fanning showed clear disdain for non-whites.

* Ron Howard failed to cast Forrest Whittaker in The Da Vinci Code.

* Mencia from Mind of Mencia keeps going on an on about Hispanics.

* Ed Bradley died while the white members of 60 Minutes live on.

* The Indian Who Cries at Garbage from the 70's commercials is denied his SAG renewal by President Melissa Gilbert.

* Al Roker now closes most Today Show broadcasts with the gangland handsignal for "Kill Whitey!" (Which admitately is looks a lot like a man scratching the side of his nose.)

Is racism "right"? Of course, not.

Is it HOT? Absolutely!

Celebrity Sponsorship of Weather

By Guest Punster, the Anti-Matter J.P. Manoux (not the actual one)

It has come to our attention that Celebrities are using a unique tool to market themselves: sponsoring and renaming the weather.

The most obvious example is the recent name change of frozen rain or "hail" to "Hail-ey Joel Osment."

But did you know there are more coming? Here are some future sponsorships soon-to-be-announced.

Rain will be renamed "Rain-dy Travis"

Snow will be renamed "Sn-owen Wilson"

Cloudy will be renamed "Cloud-Dee Snyder"

Temperature will be renamed "Tempa-Tor-Bjorn Olsson" (visual effects director on the Lord of the Rings movies)

High Wind will be renamed "Harr-Igh-Son Ford aka Wind-iana Jones"

If you fail to use these terms, you will not have the right to the standard weather. Your weather will be replaced with fire from the sky and screaming of bats.

Corporate America demands your compliance!

comedy

Clown vs. Wolf Battle Results: Celebrity Edition #12

VS.

This month: James Franco vs. Richard Farnsworth!

Franco, one of those serious clowns, tries to act all moody as an open.

Farnsworth, despite being in his early 80's and dead, is not impressed. Farnsworth killed himself in 2000 (shooting himself in a barn), so the wolf-like man does not back down from a fight.

Franco takes a weak but pretty swing at Farnsworth. Farnsworth grabs Franco's Hollywood face. Since Fransworth's animated dead body holds no water, his dryness quickly turns Franco into dust.

Farnsworth, having found new freedom after death, parlays the win by having his John Deere tractor from The Straight Story set ablaze on the lawn of Megan Follows, his co-star from the 1985 Canadian adaptation of Anne of Green Gables.

A Christmas Prank?

I woke up this morning and instead of presents, Santa had stolen all of the chairs in my house.

So I called up the 4-5 chair stores that I knew off-hand were open on Christmas, and all of THEIR CHAIRS WERE ALSO SWIPPED! By Santa???

The facts:

"Chair Palace (open Christmas)" - no chairs.

"Not by the Hair of My Chairy Chair Chair (Jews)" - no chairs

"Sonny and Chair (not normally open on Christmas, but made an exception)" - no chairs

"The Only Open Christmas Day Chair Place" - no chairs

"Come Get Your Christmas Chairs, even on Christmas Day" - no chairs

And on, and on... there are 17 more examples.

What the 'F' Santa? Are you mad at us? And how is making us dig out our old beanbags solving anything?

Anyway, Santa, you are still a cool guy and I hope we can be friends.

Fun Facts on Jesus, ages 1-18

Christmas reminds us how much we know about Jesus the Baby. Loaves and the Fishes reminded us what a kick ass college kid he was. What happened in the middle?

Here are some fun facts about Jesus' "missing years" (ages 1-18).

Jesus' first word: Romans!

Jesus' first sentence: Watch out for Romans!

Jesus' first toy: The Blessed Blocks of Irregular Cut Wood.

Jesus' first playmate: Billy of Nazareth

Jesus' first comment on his report card: "Won't listen to teacher, too preoccupied blessing the meek."

Jesus' first videogame (arcade): Frogger

Jesus' first videogame (console): Super Mario 3

Jesus' first movie (PG or higher): Cannonball Run. (Note: Movies were just acted out live back in the day. But the scriptures did foretell of a grand race among Sts. DeLuise, Reynolds, Bradshaw and Tillis.)

Jesus' first album: Jim Nabors Christmas Album - See Above. (Note: Obviously CDs did not exist, so Jesus owned this on vinyl.)

Jesus' first girlfriend crush: Betty of Nazareth

Jesus' first used car: Either an El Camino or a donkey (accounts are not definitive)

Jesus' myspace page: www.myspace.com/dadexpectsalot

Merry Christmas, from Clown vs. Wolf.

Here is hoping your holiday is full of Wolves and no Clowns!

All I want for Christmas is a Tiger Attack!

And I got one.

And it was less pleasant than I thought.

Thanks, George Soros, for coming through on my request. But next time, please declaw and detooth the beast.

Next year, all I want for Christmas is prosthetic limbs.

CvW's Best Toy of 2006

Just in time for your Holiday shopping, Clown Vs. Wolf has announced its recommendation for Best Holiday Toy for 2006.

It is the Animatronic James Earl Jones!

Extremely life-like, the doll stands six feet tall and emits his signature baritone voice. Because of legal copyright issues, the doll does not say lines from The Lion King, Star Wars, or CNN. But it does have the ability to say several lines from the film Sneakers, in which he had a small cameo. Here are a few examples...

"I am James Earl Jones."

"Welcome to Sneakers, starring Robert Redford."

"Are you done sneaking, Robert Redford?"

"James Earl Jones expresses his condolences to the family of River Phoenix."

It is a bit pricey ($400K), but totally worth it.

Act fast! Like the Nintendo Wii, this is in short supply. In fact, there is only one available. That is because he is not a doll... it's actually the real James Earl Jones!

Give the check to his wife in Malibu, and he's yours!

A Tight Spot, part 2

Read Part one of my tale here: http://clownwolf.blogspot.com/2006/12/tight-spot.html

Now the latest...

I got a picture of a Knick buying a Zagnut! The Knick was Phil Jackson and I sort of cheated by telling him Zagnut was a new hemp herbal energy somethingoranother. But he bought it, ate it, and there are chunks of it still in his beard.

I also have a pair of underwear on (albeit ladies and too small. And crotchless.)

So Christmas was not cancelled, but all the dogs went to Cuba anyway.

Now without any American dogs, there are too many cats on the street, and they have unionized. Their new found fearlessness have enabled them to form human-like structures, comprised of cats that have clawed themselves together. These cat-cluster humans now walk the earth and have demanded that all the DVD copies of Air Bud be destroyed.

The penalty of our failure is the death of all NHL goalies. Without goalies, the scoring in hockey games will be too high (like 12-11 or something like that!)

Anyway, I have cleared out most of Maine and Vermont of Air Bud and have New Hampshire next to do. To all 2008 presidential politicians, I will leave this state for you to clear in interest of time and will move directly to upstate New York.

Don't let me down, McCain and Obama!

Winning at Texas Hold 'Em

Guest Post by Kevin Willis (Power Forward, Atlanta Hawks)

Regular Hold 'Em Poker is too hard, since everyone keeps putting goofball pills in your beer and then they can totally look at your cards.

These tricks give YOU the advantage.

• Instead of holding two cards, people should hold the number of cards equal to the molar teeth in their mouth (gives you an advantage over young children).


• Since Texans have a natural advantage in Texas Hold 'Em, do not allow them to use their hands in the game (and therefore they are unable to "Hold 'Em").


• Make all Star Trek fans wear red shirts (they will be too scared to play well, as they will assume they are going to be murdered before the game is over).


• Burn all 7s and spades with matches (gives you an advantage over New Orleans Shamen, as 7s and spades posses the "Magic O De Big Easy").


• Invite Syria and Iran to your game (gives you an advantage over Condelleza Rice).


• Play with straight pins instead of chips (gives you an advantage over The Ballooney Man).


• Infect cards with Polonium 210 (gives you an advantage over retired Russian spies).


• When you have a great hand, yell "I have an awful hand." This is the opposite of the truth, and therefore everyone will give you lots of chips and you automatically win.

These tricks totally work. I just won $235 dollars in a backyard game against three neighborhood dogs. (I pulled on their choke collars whenever I wanted them to fold.)

Santa Claus Excitement Wishes You "Hit For the Holidays"

Throw away those old notions of Santa Claus. Opening presents is for suckers, since all presents have lead in them and lead is a killer!

Ready your self for Santa Claus Excitement. Santa Claus Excitement (shown here is Cat form, but also available as Eagle and Tiger Shark) comes to your house with attitude!

Santa Claus Excitement enters your house at 3am, after the late bars have closed. Santa Claus Excitement has a full light show, set to ESPN's Jock Jams.

The whole ceremony is very sexy, and comes with an exciting offer. Santa Claus Excitement is willing to offer you a check for $1000. All you have to do is agree to be socked in the jaw sometime in 2007. Sign the form and the check is yours.

Will the punch to the face hurt? Absolutely. Santa Claus Excitement works out at a gym and will wait to hit you when you are defenseless (e.g. asleep, at work, eating soup).

Stop getting presents full of deadly lead! Sign the form presented to you buy the animal-formed Santa Claus Excitement. Perhaps the $1000 will cover your future medical bills, jerk!

Happy Holi-daze!

Why are there so many Super Villains these days?

In 1990, there was one Super Villain for every 135,000 Americans. In 2006, there is one Super Villain for every nine Americans. Why the surge?

Turns out there has been a major restructuring the policies of Hell. Normally, when a person dies he is subjected to an afterlife of torment (e.g. peeling off skin, hot pokers, stress positions). Basically it's Git-Mo times two!

But when Dr. Insani-Fear died, Satan designed a special hell just for him. Dr. Insani-Fear's worst 'insane fear' was to be "Completely normal!" So Satan made him a Hell where he had a nice looking wife and kids in the suburbs. Satan thought this was such a good idea that he made this the Hell that all Super Villains go to when they die.

Once this was posted on the Internet, all heck (excuse me) broke loose! People who normally would never turn to a life of Super Crime now understand that they can get rich in the present, torment the totally annoying Fantastic Four as a bonus, and then get a pretty sweet eternity. They are even more reckless with their life for some reason!

Please sign a petition to Satan demanding he creates an equal tormenting afterlife for all. No special treatment for Magneto, Thanos, and Superboy Prime!

"Casino Royale" Breakdown

I was shocked to look at my watch after viewing Casino Royale, as the movie was five and a half hours long.

Where did the time go? I did a break down.

• Origin of Daniel Craig in black and white - 10 minutes
• Jumping on top of building in Africa like lemurs - 65 minutes
• Killing bad Africans - 5 minutes
• Looking up phone numbers on Sony Erickson phone - 25 minutes
• Looking up Internet sites on Sony Viao computer - 20 minutes
• Texas Hold Em Poker in Monte Carlo scene - 135 minutes
• Killing more Africans - 10 minutes
• More Texas Hold Em Poker, I guess - 40 minutes
• Hitting Daniel Craig's balls with a hard rope - 10 minutes

Then, in the final ten minutes, James Bond finally shows up. Turns out it was Daniel Craig all along. They made him blonde just to fool you.

Thank you Hollywood, for giving me an excuse not to see my children!

I am all out of pants!

Like everyone, I got a hundred pants when my parents kicked me out of their house. And like the rest of you, I wore each pair of pants until they were too dirty to continue, and then I threw them away.

(If you are reading this from a foreign country, please know that Americans like to waste pants. It is part of our cultural heritage. So if you are offended by our waste, you are intolerant. I love tolerance! For example, I am OK with those Indian people not eating all those cows.)

Anyway, back to the pants. I guess I did not ration out my pants wearing properly, since here I am at 57 years old... all out of pants! What am I going to do?

Right now, I have painted a pair of blue jeans on my bare legs. But my legs are hairy, so they don't really fool anyone. And it is winter and I fear consumption from the dire cold.

The only way to get more pants is to either a) find some in others trash that have a few weeks more of wear on them, or b) travel to Canada to "buy" them.

But I would rather die in the cold than wear Canadian pants! So me and my naked blue bottom will be visiting your trash can soon!

Help me out... if there are no pants in your trash, please write "NO PANTS" on a sign on your trash can. Good night.

The glowing nose of a Rudolf doll is telling me to kill in Morse Code.

A week ago I got a Rudolf doll with glowing nose to scare off predators. The dolls inexplicitly go on sale for around two months a year, then disappear from the market. I have no idea why. So I when I saw one at the my favorite local store (entitled Give Up Hope Retail), I seized the opportunity to buy one.

Things went fine for a while. And the number of coyote sightings in my backyard went from 6 a night to 4 a night, so I knew it was working.

Then one night I ate one of my patented "Messy Dreams," which is a recipe that is mescaline, followed by a Dreamcicle, followed by more mescaline. And to my shock, the Rudolf's doll began to communicate to me in Morse Code. I wrote down the "lengthy" message.

"Run coyotes... wwwqggpoa... kill at mall... qwptuacs... join coyotes... fdsyhjkdf... kill at mall... put coyotes in your pickup... qpbs9y... kill at mall... free gold!"

Free gold!?! When I heard that, I knew that the only way to get that precious free gold is to take the coyotes to the mall and join them in a killing spree

But the joke was on me! As soon as I opened by backyard door, the coyotes pounced and shredded me to near death.

Thanks for nothing Rudolf!

I don't think they did my Swedish Massage right!

I took a coupon for a free Swedish Massage to my local Business-Man recently. And while I have never had a Swedish Massage before, I'm not sure they did it right.

To begin, I was put into a strong headlock. While this was relaxing for the neck, it became uncomfortable after the first hour. After hour three, I passed out. When I woke up, I was being kicked by several Portuguese men (not Swedish). They yelled "Here is your (explitive deleted) massage!"

When I managed to crawl away from them, I found out that I was on an ocean liner to Bali. My kidneys were gone (both), and my eyeballs were two different colors (neither one my original). The entire crew were made of albinos and they referred to me as Mr. Sam. Every night they made me drown an elderly dog (done with an easy toss overboard). Then they patted me on the back for a job well done which I do admit felt nice on the back.

Now I run a numbers-running service in Bali for Dr. Yulmo, the local overlord.

Has anyone else experienced a similiar "Swedish Massage?" Is my massage still happening?

Christmas Pie Recipe

I make this every year for the holiday, and it's a real treat.

8 lbs. white sugar
14 lbs. heavy cream
15 lbs. brown sugar
19 lbs. cake batter
22 lbs. fruit compote
25 lbs. white icing
32 lbs. powdered sugar
35 more lbs. heavy cream
pie shell meant to hold 170 lb. pie

Mix all sugar, fruit compote, and cream in a large bowl. Pour into pie shell.
Dip pie in cake batter. Deep fry pie in hot oil until golden brown.
Coat pie with icing and powdered sugar.

It's called "Deep Sadness Pie"
Serves 1. Eat while crying.

A Tight Spot

I can't really talk long. It's a long story that I can't really explain. Just know that I am fully naked in Penn Station. And if I don't take a Polaroid picture of a New York Knick buying a Zagnut bar within the next hour, then Christmas is cancelled and all the dogs in the US will be banished to Cuba.

Crap! The only Knicks I know are Charles Smith and Xavier McDaniel, and they played in like the 70's.

Wait, there is a tall guy... could be... DAMN IT! It's just Harvey Grant buying a PayDay. Was Harvey on the Knicks ever? Does a Zagnut have peanuts? Maybe it could count...

Ah, who am I kidding. Sorry to disappoint you, Dog from Frasier. Looks like you its Hannaka in Havana for you!

Top Five Films in which Someone Hides a Rock in Uncooked Beef

This is a classic genre, smart and funny. There are probably hundreds of good films... so hard to cut the list down to five. But here goes!

5) Gone a-Stone Hidin! This hillbilly caper's most famous scene involves spelunking a skipping stone into a pile of ground chuck.

4) James Franco's Hot Rock Beef Injection Basically a Cinemax skin flick, but it has James Franco in it. And it is totally hot! The rock is ignatious; the meat, ironically, is sirloin.

3) Regis and Kelly, the Movie Kelly Rippa has to hide the Hope Diamond before the Terrorists get it... into Regis' uncooked brisket!

2) Andy Warhol's Meat the Stones Warhol's only entree into romantic comedy is a 35 hour film of a man with a rock... thing... having relations with a beef woman. It is tastefully done and easily earned its PG rating.

1) I guess there are only four movies where this happens. Less than I thought. Sorry.

“No Child Left Behind” Left Me Behind!

Guest Post by Mason Reese

This “No Child Left Behind Initiative” is all talk. I was supposed to be picked up by “No Child Left Behind” outside of the Westminster Mall at 3pm today, and he didn’t show up!

Later I found out that he was actually at the mall, but decided to leave at 2:45 for an early dinner at Chili’s. He literally left me behind.

If that’s not bad enough, yesterday “The Clear Skies Initiative” farted in my dad’s car with the windows rolled up. And “The PATRIOT Act” hid in my bedroom closet and spied while I was getting dressed.

Those guys are jerks!

Freaky White House Friday!

I have a friend who is a page (non-molested) at the White House. He claims that there was a strange occurrence a week ago last Friday with President Bush and his dog Barney. In fact, you can call it a "Freaky Friday," as the President and Barney switched their minds into each other’s bodies!

In the past few days since the switch, things have gotten a lot better for both parties. Barney, in the President’s body, is much more modest. He is less willing to engage in corporate cronyism and now has a comprehensive phase-out plan for Iraq.

Barney President also gives Dick Chaney regular licks on the face, which really has loosened up the Vice President. (Chaney has not told anyone to go “f” themselves in over a week!)

On the other hand, President Bush, in Barney’s body, is much happier. He is able to go for runs, take long naps, and lick himself. Also for the first time in years, he gets to sleep in the same bed as Laura Bush.

Turns out these Freaky Fridays happen all the time. Over the past years, the following pairs have also switched bodies: John McCain and a jellyfish, Bill Frist and a moron; Sean Hannity and a piece of human feces.

Hot New Retail Chain: NordStrom Thurmond

The hottest new business venture is the chain of NordStrom Thurmond department stores.

They carry two lines of clothes: basic/classic and hot/trendy. They are kept in equally-sized, yet seperate sections in the stores. All customers are welcome to shop in either section. But when shopping in a particular section, they request you only use that sections' designated bathroom and water fountain.

More stores opening this Spring in South Carolina and the scarier parts of Texas.

The Scud Stud is back!

Remember "The Scud Stud" from the first Iraq War? Well, now that we have a "sequel" war of sorts on our hands, "The Scud Stud" is back!

Arthur Kent, aka "The Scud Stud," has signed on to cover Iraq War 2 from outside the green zone. Since there are no more scud missles, he has changed his name to "The Hostile Insurgant Car Bomb Stud."

He started work yesterday and, even though he is currently missing, I hope to see this "Stud" in Hot Insurgant Action very soon.

Sequels always are better than the original! War sequels, I mean. Movie sequels are crap.

(BTW - I hear they are making The Franco-Prussian War 2: Return of the Kaiser!)

Christmas Ham Dinner is Mad At You!

Christmas Ham Dinner cannot believe you called him the poor man's Turkey Dinner! Ham costs more than turkey, at least certain kind of ham does! And turkey is not cured.

You are being very insensitive. Christmas Ham is not an afterthought. It is something to look forward to, at least after Christmas presents and NBA games!

If you do not apologize to Christmas Ham, we will all be eating Duck for Christmas and that it one step above eating nothing!

Stop getting me in the middle of these things!

Your sister,

4th of July Hotdogs

Clown vs. Wolf Battle Results - Round 20

Round 20: Clown with Powers of Superman vs. Iron Lung Crippled Wolf

This is a short one, and should be obvious to all how this one turns out.

Clown with Powers of Superman, comes in flying strong. He gives a quick burst of heat vision to Iron Lung Crippled Wolf. The heat vision pops of the top latch of the iron lung.

Clown Superman thinks disabling the iron lung will stop the wolf from breathing, ending the battle. But the clown had only popped open the outer-casing, and not the actual iron lung at all.

What was staring at Clown Superman when the hatch popped open? Wolf-enhanced Kryptonite! (The wolf enhancement makes the substance treble more powerful than standard Luthor-enhanced Kryptonite.)

The blisters on Clown Superman's eyelids are just the beginning. Within seconds the clown is liquefied.

Iron Lung Crippled Wolf is then sent on a 14 state lecture tour, financed by the American Enterprise Institute.

My Reality Show Pitch

I had three meetings with Mark Brunett about my new reality show. These meetings take place in the parking lot of his production company, and I am usually screaming.

Here is my pitch... that I think he is close to buying (fingers crossed)!

• It's just like Survivor. I mean almost exactly. He should even get Jeff Probst, but we should change his name to something like Gary Probst so people think he's a different guy.


• THE TWIST! Instead of voting people OFF the island, we vote people ON the island. Unlike Survivor, which ends after they vote everyone off... my show never ends!


• So we start with 1 person, like Gary is a good name. Next episode, he picks someone else to join him, let's call her Frannie. Then Gary and Frannie pick someone else to join the show in episode 3... I think they would pick another guy named Gary.


• After 200 episodes, there are 200 people on the island, many of whom are named Gary and Frannie. (This is not a requirement, but is likely to happen.)


• On episode 230, people start to starve, as the island has been stripped of food by Garys and Frannies.


• There is nothing to do to stop the starvation. It happens slowly and is sad.

Here is the end of my pitch. Puts a real capper to the whole hard-sell...

"Do you know what the name of my show is, Mr. Burnett? I call it Twist Survivor In That We Add People Until Starvation with Garys and Frannies!"

THIS JUST IN! Burnett has bought it! And PAX-TV has made us an offer, as long as all the starving people are non-Christian.

The Iraq Study Group is Meeting at the Campus Library at 3pm Today.

Guest posting from Janice Watson, Arts and Science Class of 2006, co-chairperson Iraq Study Group.

Guys, I just heard from James Baker and he can't meet at noon since he has to get a new bike chain at lunch. Lee Hamilton can't meet tonight, since he has tickets to Hoobastank. So we hope that 3pm works.

Also, everyone should know that Sandra O'Conner and Vernon Jordan have broken up. But they are totally still friends, so it won't affect the study group!

Let's meet in the East tower of the lib. The room outside the place where Ed Meese found that used condom. (Eeww! LOL!)

Remember, the midterm is coming up, so we have to do more work today. (No more theories about "Heroes" Alan K. Simpson!)

Stay the course,

Janice

My Dog's Tribute Album to Elliott Smith is Pretentious Emo

Sparky had not been the same since mopey rocker Elliott Smith slid a knife in his chest, or was murdered whatever. My beloved dog had stopped grinding his pelvis on neighborhood teenagers, so I knew it was bad.

So I booked some time with Phil Spector for Sparky to record a tribute album. I hoped this could get it out of his system. Besides, his Johnny Cash tribute album was inspired, so I guess I got my hopes up a bit.

I'm sorry, Sparky. You are a good boy! You are daddy's a pretty boy, such a good boy! But this Elliott Smith tribute album is self-indulgent crap.

I get it! Howling and whimpering means you're sad... But for 35 minutes? Jesus, did Bjork write these songs for you? The title of the first track says it all "Orrr Orrrr Ruff... whine... whine... (to Elliott)."

Based on this sophomoric effort, I hope to god that My Chemical Romance never breaks up!

See you on myspace, Sparky!

Looking for Volunteers to “Stop Hitler!”

I had this post on Craigslist to “Stop Hitler” for the past year and no one has taken me up on the offer. I am befuddled, so I thought I would repost here.

Stop Hitler!
I have invented a time machine tied via wormhole to Berlin 1934, Adolf Hitler’s office of the Chancellor.

Unfortunately, I am unable to access this time machine, since it requires a man of a specific blood type (B) and my blood type is A.

Will anyone volunteer to enter this time machine and stop Hitler for doing his very bad things?

The time machine has very specific requirements, so all applicants must be willing to commit to the following:

• Have blood-type B
• Be willing to hold your breath for 25 seconds
• Be willing to engage in a passionate discussion with Hitler, insisting that he "stop the murdering he is planning."
• Mutilate your genitalia with barbed wire

This last requirement is an unusual requirement of the technology and is non-negotiable.

WON'T SOMEONE BE A HERO??

I Changed My Name to Tiger Woods and The Checks Are Rolling In!

Guest Essay by C. Thomas Howell

With my career on the skids, I discovered a great new source of income. I have changed my name to Tiger Woods, and now the checks keep coming. Why? By exploting a little-known loophole in the sports marketing system.

Here is how it works.

a) Change your name to a famous golfer (sorry, I call Tiger's name, but maybe you could have Davis Love III?)
b) When it is time for sports marketing companies to issue checks, they do not access a "rolodex." Instead they simply do an "internet" search on the address of their client. (e.g. Google "Tiger Wood's Address")
c) Do a "googlebomb" on your address, raising it on Google above the real Tiger's.
d) The checks come to your house, instead of Tigers!

Is it illegal? Only if you are not a golfer. So to close this loophole, go in your backyard and take 3-4 practive swings with a club everyday.

I have so much extra cash these days I am self-financing my next film, Soul Man Meets the Hitcher!

It's Time To Remake The Fabulous Baker Boys as Anime

Since all of us have worn out our VHS copies of The Fabulous Baker Boys through daily viewing, and Michelle Pfieffer has lost her looks in a major way, it's time to make a new as Japanese anime version.

Anime would be a significant improvement...

* Frank and Jack Baker's names will be changed to Tetsuo and Kobiashi Hai.

* The scene here Frank covers up Jack's bald spot in the bathroom will now be a psyonic energy fight with Yul, Wolf God of Twilight.

* Jeff Bridges's character will have tentacles that play the piano. They also serve as a biological weapon that shoots a milk-like substance.

* Michelle Pfieffer's character will wear this nurses outfit and get topless more often.

* Instead of singing on top a piano, she will sing on top of a floating city that has been carved from a whale carcass (designed by Hayao Miyazaki!)

I have over twenty Japanese venture capitalists/fetishists ready to pony up the seed money.

My Funny Bone Has Hilarious Cancer!

It's official, my cancer of the funny bone has all the hospital staff "in stitches!"

Nurse Jacobson (pictured here) had to catch her breath several times as she prepared my biopsy. "You gotta tell that cancer to cut it out!" she quipped, laughing at her own unintentional joke. My cancer's comedy is "infectious!"

My Oncologist Doctor Jacobi agreed, "I have treated some pretty somber tumors in my day. It's refreshing to see a malignancy with such an upbeat attitude."

Wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, he added, "You have 4 weeks to live."

Henry Clay's Great Compromises Are So Not Great!

Henry Clay (Rep. Ten - Whig) was known as the Great Compromiser in Washington. Mainly due to his invention of the technique at restaurants called "let's just divide up the check equally no matter who ordered what."

But did you know that some of his "Compromises" were actually "not so great?"

Some examples...

Point: US Government wants to kill all the Indians.
Counter Point: Indians want the US Government to kill none of the Indians.
Clay's Compromise: Kill half of the Indians.

Point: Biblical father accurately asserts he is the father of his baby.
Counter Point: Lying father falsely claims he is the father of the same baby.
Clay's Compromise: Real father gets baby on Mon-Wed, Liar gets Thur-Sat, rotate Sundays.

Point: Waffles are delicious.
Counter Point: Pancakes are way better.
Clay's Compromise: Missouri shall be a slave state, while Maine a free state, maintaining an 11-11 balance in the Senate.

Somebody get this genius a coin to flip!

Let's Invade This Pocket Dimension I Found!

I got the lil' Mr. Dimension Wormhole kit for early Christmas, and have made a discovery: a little wussy dimension that we should totally invade.

The Earth of this dimension is just like ours, except that they are clearly inferior. The Proof: their box office receipts of the 3 Die Hard films are like 30% lower than ours. They clearly do not appreciate maverick cops OR CHRISTMAS-TIME!

My reason to invade is entirely based on this key philosophical difference between our dimensions. The people of this dimension need to learn our freedoms by force!

That said, there are two more compelling reasons to invade... 1) everything on their planet is made of gold and 2) they have no weapons.

Come Visit Shark Mountain!

I have been elected the President of the Board of Tourism of Shark Mountain, and would love for you to come visit us.

Shark Mountain is actually a beautiful (and only slightly hilly!) island nation in the South Pacific. The country's name changed from Shark Island to Shark Mountain in 1993, after being sued for copyright infringement by another so-called Shark Island (this one off the coast of Cape Town).

While we do have "a shark or two," you'll find your raft ride over from the mainland swift and uneventful. Our sharks want you to have a good time while you are here! :)

Our food is prepared by world class chefs, and is all complementary. Please 'fatten up' while you are here!

You'll also enjoy our state-of-the-art guest rooms, each equipped with the revolutionary "canal bed" - literally a floating mattress on a salt-water canal that runs through your room. These canals are wide (even wide enough for a shark, ha ha!) and are all interconnected to each other and the ocean. The canals also have a moderate current, which keeps the water clean and free of dirt and (god-forbid) blood.

For a limited time, a special 7 day vacation on Shark Island with free gourmet food is $195 U.S per week. I encourage you to come to our country, eat our free food until you are fat, fall asleep on our salt-water canals, and be devoured... by fun.

To Live and Die Better!

Some times when I am trying to fall sleep, unprotected in the street, I dream of a different version of To Live and Die in L.A. In my version, William Peterson lives! And he has a coffee with Jane Leeves.

The ironic bit is that Jane Leeves steals a dollar from the Starbucks tip jar. (I understand that Starbucks was not around in 1985.) Turns out the dollar is a counterfeit, made by William Dafoe (the actor, not his character in the film, Rick Masters).

It gets confusing at this point. Rick Masters (the character, not the actor Dafoe) is working in the back room of the Starbucks. Just as William Peterson (again, the actor, not Richard Chance, the character) is about to leave the coffee shop, Rick comes from the back room and recognizes Peterson from CSI: (Yes, I understand that CSI: did not premiere until years later.)

They laugh about the coincidence, and congratulate Jane Leeves on booking the role of Daphne on Frasier.

POST SCRIPT: In my fantasy, my version of To Live and Die in L.A. is never released. It is just bonus footage on the DVD Criterion Collection of the real version of To Live and Die in L.A., released in 1985, well before DVDs are introduced.

My "real" version of the movie is the same as the original real version, except William Dafoe (the actor, not the character Rick Masters) opens a diner at the end, but is still killed by John Vukovich played by John Pankow (the actor).

To be clear, Vukovick/Pankow shoots Dafoe in the blooper real - not the film proper. The blooper real of a Burt Reynolds film to be precise.