ALL OF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH GRAVITY IS KILLING US.!!!... BONES ARE SHIFTING AND THAT IS NOT WHAT WAS INTENDED. AN ASTRONAUT IN SPACE LIVED TO BE 120 AND THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT WHAT ****YOU**** TO KNOW???
A MAN ONCE FELL FROM A BUILDING MANY FLOORS AND THIS DID NOT KILL HIM, BUT HIS BONES COULD NOT HEAL UPWARDS BECAUSE GRAVITY WAS MOVING THEM DOWN. NOW HE IS 5'11" AND CANNOT WALK. CONSPIRACY???
TELL THE GOVENMENT TO TURN GRAVITY OFF AFTER YOU PUT A ROPE AROUND YOUR HOUSE TIED TO A TREE OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VOTE GRAVEL.
Love,
RUTGER HAUER Jr.
Me and my pancake eatin' buddies are back and we are still scratching our heads.
Jeb thought that The Good German was the German language translation of the film The Good. "I can't speak German, since I didn't fight in the World War," he said nailing his hand to the plate.
Jebby thought that How To Eat Fried Worms is a title missing a comma about a man who addresses an anorexic character named "Fried Worms," instructing him to eat. "Fried Worms is gonna die if he doesn't learn how to eat a taco salad," he said, failing to eat his taco salad.
Jebediah thought Pan's Labyrinth was the David Bowie film Labyrinth acted by animated frying pans. "I like how those pans hit each other in the head with a frying pan," he said, slowly dying since he forgot how to breathe.
I think that The Pursuit of Happyness is a movie about hunting and killing a joyful Lock Ness Monster. I refuse to believe otherwise.
We were confused before!
The police are here and plan to beat us severely after we finish our griddle cakes.
Photo by Jon Gos
The Moon sent me an email last night, and it is a dire warning.
*****
Dear Sirs –
I have had enough, and as a result I will plunge into the Earth during the next fortnight. I am thinking about striking Texas, but I might miss and take out Oklahoma too.
The reason for my attack… No one cleaned up these damn golf balls that Buzz Aldrin hit.
Sincerely,
The Moon
P.S. I am made of rock, not cheese, for the record. So if I hit the Earth, it will hurt!
*****
We must protect ourselves. Someone call the trampoline industry and have them set up a bunch around San Antonio. Also maybe someone could close the dome roof of the stadium where the Dallas Cowboys play – that couldn’t hurt.
Lastly, we should give Buzz Aldrin to the moon in a ritualistic sacrifice. Maybe that will call off the dogs?
If none of that works, it’s not really a big deal, I suppose… cause it’s only Texas!
Photo by née lennox
Photograph by jon gos
Me and my pancake-eatin’ buddies are very confused about movies! Here are some excerpts from our conversations while enjoying a very fine piece of fried dough in “pancake” form at Happy Diner, which is a happy diner we eat at.
Jeb thought Little Miss Sunshine was a sequel to Stuart Little, where Stuart is trapped in a mine shaft without natural light. “That mouse makes me smile. Someone should save him or he’s gonna die of not eatin',” he said after asking a plant for a menu.
Jebby thought that Flight 93 was a sequel to a movie Flight 92. “I never seen any of those Flight movies... it must be fun to see a movie about flying all full of joy!” he said after ordering a fried water glass for his meal.
Jebadiah thought that The Departed was a movie where Dee Wallace-Stone (the Mom from E.T.) was split into two pieces by an axe. “She was nice to E.T., so it’s sad to see her die like that,” he said while eating salt with a spoon.
We were then thrown out of Happy Diner for hiding oversized bottles of ketchup in our pants.
Picture by Andy Fogg
There is a fine service that the BMW Drivers of America provide... they are major league assholes! We should salute these yeomen as they cut us off on the freeway, float from lane to lane without regard for others, and talk to other assholes on their cells.
Why should we praise them? For one, they have earned the right to be an asshole. They have decided they should not "save money" or "live in a nice house" in order to afford the lease payment of these very expensive Performance Machines.
But more importantly, society needs assholes. Here is an example that many of you have experienced in your day-to-day life.
Zor, God of Goats, needs to rip apart a human for his weekly sacrifice.
"Should I pick the poor person? The minority? The single working mother? Decisions, decisions..."
Then Zor is cut off on the 210 freeway by a blue BMW 328i Coupe that is changing three lanes at once.
"Of course," he thinks. And the decision is made for him.
I could print several other examples here: involving cannibals, serial rapists, and testers of poison - who all need to select a "random" person for a nefarious task.
Isn't it comforting that there is a BMW asshole ready to take the bullet for us all?
By the way, assholes, I hear the Z4s are quite a kick! Lease one today!
Photo By Shaun Woods
I am a guy who is pretty tolerant of handicaps, but it seems that my condo board is bending over backwards to meet all of Mr. Ballooney Man's "special needs."
It started as a reasonable request: to remove all sharp edges from the pool area, as Mr. Ballooney Man is rightly afraid of a nasty pop.
But then Mr. Ballooney Man asked for us to stop using staples in our monthly bulletin. ("They can be bent into a pin!" he claimed, in his high Drama Queen voice.)
He also asked for us to stop playing our Philip Glass records, as his piercing non-rhythmic tones pulsate his body to "dangerous levels." Every other person in the complex loves Philip Glass (that is why we moved here!), so this is not a popular request.
The final straw came when he asked for the board to supply him with free prostitutes to "keep him inflated." I don't know what this means, but it seems dirty to me!
Now Mr. Ballooney Man has spent $4,500 of our budget on prostitutes in the past two weeks, and everything in the building is covered in soft foam. Help!
I had three meetings with Mark Brunett about my new reality show. These meetings take place in the parking lot of his production company, and I am usually screaming.
Here is my pitch... that I think he is close to buying (fingers crossed)!
- It's just like Survivor. I mean almost exactly. He should even get Jeff Probst, but we should change his name to something like Gary Probst so people think he's a different guy.
- THE TWIST! Instead of voting people OFF the island, we vote people ON the island. Unlike Survivor, which ends after they vote everyone off... my show never ends!
- So we start with 1 person, like Gary is a good name. Next episode, he picks someone else to join him, let's call her Frannie. Then Gary and Frannie pick someone else to join the show in episode 3... I think they would pick another guy named Gary.
- After 200 episodes, there are 200 people on the island, many of whom are named Gary and Frannie. (This is not a requirement, but is likely to happen.)
- On episode 230, people start to starve, as the island has been stripped of food by Garys and Frannies.
- There is nothing to do to stop the starvation. It happens slowly and is sad.
Here is the end of my pitch. Puts a real capper to the whole hard-sell...
"Do you know what the name of my show is, Mr. Burnett? I call it Twist Survivor In That We Add People Until Starvation with Garys and Frannies!"
THIS JUST IN! Burnett has bought it! And PAX-TV has made us an offer, as long as all the starving people are non-Christian.
Prof. Busey teaches Early English History, and here is an excerpt of a particularly moving lecture:
“Battle of Hastings, man. The mud… it produced… LIFE! And the maggots can’t be stopped. And the fever of the Battle. The Battle of Hastings. It’s like the mud can’t be stopped.”
“Fly on, William the Conqueror. Fly on, young gentle-man.”
My only complaint is that we have been discussing the Battle of Hastings for the past 9 weeks.
And did I say Prof. Busey teaches at “Harvard Extension?” Sorry, I meant “my living room.”
Did you know that...
* Law and Order has used one specific piece of video in all of its six spin offs (Law and Order, Trial by Jury, Special Victims Unit, Criminal Intent, Mutilated Genitalia Patrol, and Law and Order: Babies). The video clip in question is a monkey eating a blueberry pie, but played in reverse, so it appears that the pie is being regurgitated entirely "in tact."
* There is a tunnel connecting all the CBS procedural shows. Meaning if you get cast as a guest star in CSI: Miami, you can use that access to tunnel into Criminal Minds, or NCIS, or even, yep, Cold Case! Tim Matheson has been living in these tunnels for years, entering them after being cast as Dr. Aaron Morrison on Without a Trace.
* No one has ever seen the NBC show Medium. You may think you have, but it was the psychic on the show just making you think that way. If you were ever able to see and remember the show, you would know it is actually just 60 minutes of stock footage. Specifically, footage of various men thumbing through car wash coupons.
* Jim Lehrer rolls a six-sided die before every nights' News Hour with Jim Lehrer. The number that comes up is how many times he needs to punch his own crotch while reading the news. The joke, however, is on the staff of the PBS show, as Mr. Lehrer's crotch has not been able to feel pain since Bob Dole stuck a pencil in it during the 1996 presidential election.
And here it is.
Turns out there is this lady who never says "I have to go to the toilet." She only says "I have to go wash my hands" - even when she has got to lay some serious back end business! So her girlfriends follow her in the bathroom, and sure enough, she is a serious toilet user. There are odors and everything. Simply unacceptable.
She breaks down and admits things, and it's very Merchant-Ivory for a bit. Then she goes on a date with that Colombian guy we all like and it works out fine.
So ends the first 10 minutes. After that it's pretty much Star Wars.
It's called "The Untitled Girl From Grey's Anatomy Project" $450,000 option, suckas!
In this alternate universe, James Dean did not die young. He lives to be old and uninteresting.
This event does not impact the assassination of Lincoln, as that event predated the death of James Dean by nearly 100 years!
But the classic 'butterfly' effect of the non-death of James Dean now caused the following to happen:
*Red is now Blue.
*Fridays are 90 hours long.
*There are miles of tunnels that link together Dallas and Ft. Worth, so Texans will not be eaten by the cannibal locusts.
*Chocolate and peanut butter are no longer delicious together. They are still delicious separately.
*Outer Space now has plenty of air in it.
*Twizzlers have knocked Red Vines off the map.
*Bantha meat has replaced beef.
*Instead of presents for Christmas, people get one 'free murder' to commit.
*No one watches James Dean's movies, as he is widely regarded as a hack.
Moliere, better known as Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, ran from the LAPD in Inglewood holding a car stereo he had ripped from a Dodge Durango. The foppish 17th century playwright scaled a chain link fence in order to lose the dogs that were after him. Then the fabulously flamboyant scribe was sprayed in the face with pepper-spray by an elderly woman who owned the yard.
As he fell in pain, he was discovered by the searchlights of overhead helicopters. It was a splendid farce.
Later, Moliere died on stage, while performing Le Malade Imaginaire.
When I am lying on my deathbed, I will surely remember a scene from Fox's game show "The Chamber." I remember that a large African-American man was in the "hot" chamber, and they just turned it up from level, let's say, level 3 to level 4. The man didn't care. And as they turned up the heat and flipped him upside down, he yelled out a gutteral "YES!" to show how much he could take it.
That's it. That's all I will remember.
Your national pancake is a mix of flour, oil, and perhaps butter, fried in a pan until it is delicious.
My regional pancake begins as the scrapings of a old man's hind leg. Specifically the part of Walter that is dying faster than the rest of his body.
It is not fried, rather it is "sun fried" meaning left in the sun with an expired mayonnaise coating. It takes weeks to prepare.
We garnish my pancake to taste with WD40 and squirrel droppings.
No one in my region dreams at night without dreaming of our regional pancake.
Our regional pancake ran for Mayor, and as a result, we have no office of the Mayor.
A man once put regional pancakes in his shoes and they made him run away from his dog. His dog, who loved the man, knew it was better to let him go.
Our regional pancake is the middle child of eight children and some day hopes to start a small business that rents bounce houses.
My regional pancake has so many diseases and parasites it actually is cleaner than your national pancake. Yes, and it is 50% off for this week only.
COME ON BY FOR A VISIT!!
Our Mission
Clown vs. Wolf is an exploration on why, when a clown and wolf fight, it is always the wolf that wins.
This is universally true, even when clown is a Germanic Knife and Poison Clown - the deadliest Clown known to man.
