Photo by Paul Keleher
This is the beginning of a series of recommendations from Clown vs. Wolf on how to waste your time.
To people in foreign lands, Americans have too much time and do not value family relationship building. While you need every hour of every day just to survive (e.g. tracking and killing boar, fending off typhoid, running from volcanic lava, etc.), Americans like to flaunt their good fortune by wasting time, doing nothing until they die.
So hopefully, to you Americans, these suggestions will allow you to "get on with it" and waste time better (rather than productively coming up with ideas to waste it).
1) At the mall, buy 10 pairs of jeans at JC Penney. Wait outside the store for 10 minutes. Then return the jeans. Repeat.
2) At the mall, beg and plead the owner of Cinnebon to give a free sample. Eat the sample. Repeat.
3) At the mall, throw a penny in the fountain. Take off your socks, wade in, and fish it out. Repeat.
4) At the mall, go to the GAP, look for a piece of clothing that is not your size. Ask the salesperson to find it in your size. If they cannot find your size, repeat with another piece of clothing. If they find your size, do not purchase the item, but instead repeat process with another piece of clothing. Repeat.
5) At the mall, go to the Disney Store. Insist that Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch is a princess and all of her toys should be in the Princess Section. Make them move the toys on threat of a call to the Hawaiian Defamation League. Leave the store. Come back in with a fake mustache and ID from Disney Corporate, yell at the employees, and insist that move everything back. Repeat.
6) At the mall, go to Starbucks. Purchase 1/4 pound of coffee, ground. Mix it with a bottle of water and drink. Insist that their coffee does not work and demand a refund. Once the refund is given, exit the store, reenter and repeat.
7) At the mall, go to Pretzel store. Present yourself as the new employee they hired. Eat free pretzels and throw salt in their eyes. Run away. Repeat.
8) At the mall, go to the Tiger store. Tell the employees their shoes are untied. Karate chop them. Set the tigers free. Watch the tigers attack and eat free pretzels from your time at the pretzel store. If the tigers attack you, give them the pretzels. Once the tigers have been darted with tranqs, wait until the drugs wear off, then repeat.
9) At the mall, go to the 99 cent store. Give them a dollar and tell them to keep the change. You are now their king. Ride around the store in a shopping cart, opening packs of Juicy Fruit at your whim. Then abdicate the throne for the love of a woman. Repeat.
10) At the mall, go to the computer store. Plug computer into NORAD and change the chess game to "Global Thermal Nuclear War." Even though the only way to win is 'not to play', insist on playing. Run. After war is over, Repeat.
If you have suggestions on wasting time, please add them as comments. Once we have over 500 we will publish this as a book for cash money! $$$$$$$$$$
To people in foreign lands, Americans have too much time and do not value family relationship building. While you need every hour of every day just to survive (e.g. tracking and killing boar, fending off typhoid, running from volcanic lava, etc.), Americans like to flaunt their good fortune by wasting time, doing nothing until they die.
So hopefully, to you Americans, these suggestions will allow you to "get on with it" and waste time better (rather than productively coming up with ideas to waste it).
1) At the mall, buy 10 pairs of jeans at JC Penney. Wait outside the store for 10 minutes. Then return the jeans. Repeat.
2) At the mall, beg and plead the owner of Cinnebon to give a free sample. Eat the sample. Repeat.
3) At the mall, throw a penny in the fountain. Take off your socks, wade in, and fish it out. Repeat.
4) At the mall, go to the GAP, look for a piece of clothing that is not your size. Ask the salesperson to find it in your size. If they cannot find your size, repeat with another piece of clothing. If they find your size, do not purchase the item, but instead repeat process with another piece of clothing. Repeat.
5) At the mall, go to the Disney Store. Insist that Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch is a princess and all of her toys should be in the Princess Section. Make them move the toys on threat of a call to the Hawaiian Defamation League. Leave the store. Come back in with a fake mustache and ID from Disney Corporate, yell at the employees, and insist that move everything back. Repeat.
6) At the mall, go to Starbucks. Purchase 1/4 pound of coffee, ground. Mix it with a bottle of water and drink. Insist that their coffee does not work and demand a refund. Once the refund is given, exit the store, reenter and repeat.
7) At the mall, go to Pretzel store. Present yourself as the new employee they hired. Eat free pretzels and throw salt in their eyes. Run away. Repeat.
8) At the mall, go to the Tiger store. Tell the employees their shoes are untied. Karate chop them. Set the tigers free. Watch the tigers attack and eat free pretzels from your time at the pretzel store. If the tigers attack you, give them the pretzels. Once the tigers have been darted with tranqs, wait until the drugs wear off, then repeat.
9) At the mall, go to the 99 cent store. Give them a dollar and tell them to keep the change. You are now their king. Ride around the store in a shopping cart, opening packs of Juicy Fruit at your whim. Then abdicate the throne for the love of a woman. Repeat.
10) At the mall, go to the computer store. Plug computer into NORAD and change the chess game to "Global Thermal Nuclear War." Even though the only way to win is 'not to play', insist on playing. Run. After war is over, Repeat.
If you have suggestions on wasting time, please add them as comments. Once we have over 500 we will publish this as a book for cash money! $$$$$$$$$$
4 comments:
an excellent waste of time is making blog comments that involve Sinbad and puns. an even better waste of time might be reading these blog comments.
J'cuse! Nay a Sinbad reference rests on these pages. An afront!
Pistols at Dawn.
Happy New Year.
An excellent variation on the Gap stunt (#4) is to ask for different sizes for each different clothing item. It helps develop the salesperson's familiarity with the available stock, so while it wastes your time, it actually has a prosocial value.
Oh, and for "jamie sommers", Sin bad, virtue good. Eat it.
"Sin Bad" Weather in General, in the comments section.
I see.
I will take my own life.
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