Pointless Attack of a Random Person from Wikipedia

Feeling angry, I hit “random article” in Wikipedia and have planned to rip the first person to come up a new “a-hole.”

It’s your unlucky day “Paul LaFarge” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_LaFarge), author of Haussman, or the Distinction.

Ready? Begin.

Yale sucks, but even your alma mater wouldn’t even hire you to teach writing, LaFarge! You got stuck on staff at Wesleyan, ha ha.

Edmund White may have called your novel an "imaginative -- indeed, a hallucinatory – approach.” But I call the same novel “simply unreadable” mainly because I just heard of it and therefore could not have ever read it.

Are your novels featured in the window of my nearby Borders Express? No, they are not!

Sure you are the recipient of a Guggenheim grant, big deal! Have you ever been to the Guggenheim museum, like me? Of course not! That building is Frank Lloyd Wright’s last major work and is widely revered… unlike you!

You are clearly only the world’s second leading scholar on the work of Paul Poissel. I AM THE WORLD’S LEADING SCHOLAR OF PAUL POISSEL, YOU BIG JERK.

Yours kindly,
Gregory Rice

P.S. I see you are in tight with the McSweeney’s guys… care to introduce me to them?

It is Time to Regulate Baby Caffeine

Photo by Wayne Cheese

I think the FDA needs to crack down on Gerbers' Baby Awake and other similar caffeinated products for babies.

Babies are not truck drivers! There is no practical reason to keep them up 36 hours straight. Yes, you can win bar bets, but that is the only real use of these products.

The pills have nasty side-effects of aggression. The young tyke pictured here (call him "Dexter") wrestled a salt water squid out of the ocean and began to devour it raw... all hopped up on Earth's Best Brand of Uppers called "Happy Baby No Sleepies"

There are five babies pounding on my door right now, and I am sure all affected by the drugs. They are babbling something sounding like "Warriors! Come Out To Play!" One has milk bottles on his fingers.

Why are these babies threatening me 15 minutes until midnight on New Year's Eve???

I am all out of pants!

Like everyone, I got a hundred pants when my parents kicked me out of their house. And like the rest of you, I wore each pair of pants until they were too dirty to continue, and then I threw them away.

(If you are reading this from a foreign country, please know that Americans like to waste pants. It is part of our cultural heritage. So if you are offended by our waste, you are intolerant. I love tolerance! For example, I am OK with those Indian people not eating all those cows.)

Anyway, back to the pants. I guess I did not ration out my pants wearing properly, since here I am at 57 years old... all out of pants! What am I going to do?

Right now, I have painted a pair of blue jeans on my bare legs. But my legs are hairy, so they don't really fool anyone. And it is winter and I fear consumption from the dire cold.

The only way to get more pants is to either a) find some in others trash that have a few weeks more of wear on them, or b) travel to Canada to "buy" them.

But I would rather die in the cold than wear Canadian pants! So me and my naked blue bottom will be visiting your trash can soon!

Help me out... if there are no pants in your trash, please write "NO PANTS" on a sign on your trash can. Good night.

It's Time To Remake The Fabulous Baker Boys as Anime

Since all of us have worn out our VHS copies of The Fabulous Baker Boys through daily viewing, and Michelle Pfieffer has lost her looks in a major way, it's time to make a new as Japanese anime version.

Anime would be a significant improvement...

* Frank and Jack Baker's names will be changed to Tetsuo and Kobiashi Hai.

* The scene here Frank covers up Jack's bald spot in the bathroom will now be a psyonic energy fight with Yul, Wolf God of Twilight.

* Jeff Bridges's character will have tentacles that play the piano. They also serve as a biological weapon that shoots a milk-like substance.

* Michelle Pfieffer's character will wear this nurses outfit and get topless more often.

* Instead of singing on top a piano, she will sing on top of a floating city that has been carved from a whale carcass (designed by Hayao Miyazaki!)

I have over twenty Japanese venture capitalists/fetishists ready to pony up the seed money.

Let's Invade This Pocket Dimension I Found!

I got the lil' Mr. Dimension Wormhole kit for early Christmas, and have made a discovery: a little wussy dimension that we should totally invade.

The Earth of this dimension is just like ours, except that they are clearly inferior. The Proof: their box office receipts of the 3 Die Hard films are like 30% lower than ours. They clearly do not appreciate maverick cops OR CHRISTMAS-TIME!

My reason to invade is entirely based on this key philosophical difference between our dimensions. The people of this dimension need to learn our freedoms by force!

That said, there are two more compelling reasons to invade... 1) everything on their planet is made of gold and 2) they have no weapons.

To Live and Die Better!

Some times when I am trying to fall sleep, unprotected in the street, I dream of a different version of To Live and Die in L.A. In my version, William Peterson lives! And he has a coffee with Jane Leeves.

The ironic bit is that Jane Leeves steals a dollar from the Starbucks tip jar. (I understand that Starbucks was not around in 1985.) Turns out the dollar is a counterfeit, made by William Dafoe (the actor, not his character in the film, Rick Masters).

It gets confusing at this point. Rick Masters (the character, not the actor Dafoe) is working in the back room of the Starbucks. Just as William Peterson (again, the actor, not Richard Chance, the character) is about to leave the coffee shop, Rick comes from the back room and recognizes Peterson from CSI: (Yes, I understand that CSI: did not premiere until years later.)

They laugh about the coincidence, and congratulate Jane Leeves on booking the role of Daphne on Frasier.

POST SCRIPT: In my fantasy, my version of To Live and Die in L.A. is never released. It is just bonus footage on the DVD Criterion Collection of the real version of To Live and Die in L.A., released in 1985, well before DVDs are introduced.

My "real" version of the movie is the same as the original real version, except William Dafoe (the actor, not the character Rick Masters) opens a diner at the end, but is still killed by John Vukovich played by John Pankow (the actor).

To be clear, Vukovick/Pankow shoots Dafoe in the blooper real - not the film proper. The blooper real of a Burt Reynolds film to be precise.

I don't really "get" Friends

Now that it is off the air, I can admit that I didn't understand the TV series Friends. After a long night with a very patient friend, I am happy to stand corrected.

I used to believe that a) Chandler was the skinny girl with the hair, b) Rachel and Ross were the same person ("Ross" seemed to be used as a shortened nickname for "Rachel"), and c) Phoebe was the monkey.

I also used to believe that all the friends were terrorists, something to do with their mustaches and their "death to America" rhetoric. I now know that I was not watching NBC's "Must See TV" at the time, but rather Al Jazeera by mistake.

I now know the truth thanks to my own "friend," Parole Office Leftwich. Thanks, Lou! You know your "TV Trivia!"

It is good to know that most of the Friends are not terrorists! Except, of course, for that fat cow Monica.

An ill advised law

The most troubling law passed last week during the midterm elections was California's Proposition 94, making illegal "the tying of string-like objects for the sake of securing or binding."

This is an obvious sop to the Velcro lobby. And outside the tripping/stumbling that will be happening as our good citizens transition out of lace-based shoes, there are many more problems with this law.

This law makes it illegal to tie anchors to small watercrafts. Wednesday saw many tour and fishing boats unable to stay in a single spot of ocean.

This law makes it illegal to twirl your handlebar mustache in a menacing way, as both your mustache and your finger are legally defined as "string-like."

The law makes it illegal to spray Silly String nearly everywhere, except on very thin and wide objects (e.g. a square yard of wax paper).

Why was this "bad for California" law passed? It was backed by political television ads that depicted graphic hardcore sex.

Also the title of the proposition was misleading: "The Free Graphic Hardcore Sex or String Non-Binding Proposition." Most people thought that the choice between free sex and string non-binding was up to the individual. It is not.

Governor Schwarzenegger, please allow me to keep tying this old dog in my basement to the radiator - and repeal this law!