The new Taoism by Bob Vila

I lost a bet on the Superbowl and now I am a Taoist (thank you so f'ing much Rex Grossman)!

I thought Taoism was just a chance to laugh at bald Chinese. But now I have fully bought into its message of 'ying' (stuff) and 'yang' (the opposite of stuff).

Since I have my pre-Taoist life to fixing houses (ying), I have determined that I must dedicate my post-Taoist life to destroying them (yang). After I have destroyed 278 houses, I will reach the proper state of balanced nothingness.

I achieve this end I have grown to "Godzilla" size (roughly 65 feet tall) and I am now pulverizing people's homes into dust. I achieved this through unlicensed radiation treatments that I was assured will not kill me.

Excuse me while I must emit my battle cry...

VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLA!

First of May

We are getting close, so please prepare for May 1st.

By the Brilliant Jonathan Coulton.

Our invasion plan

It's really quite simple. Once our plan is complete, we will rule your so-called "earth."

First we will coordinate distinguished character actors to open assault businesses posing as free candy bar distribution. Then the character actors will recruit particularly lousy actors to run the day-to-day businesses, assaulting formerly successful 80's actors. Very little chocolate bars will actually change hands.

This is how it works, for example. Ned Beatty runs a business which enlists James Van Der Beek's help in convincing Corey Haim to come down into a subway early in the morning, for promise of free chocolate.

Instead of free candy, however, Van Der Beek assaults Haim and calls his mother a dirty whore - mainly to release the anxiety caused by Beatty, who did the same thing to him hours earlier in the very same subway station.

The entire thing ends when the frustrated Haim, dressed in black, walks down the subway tracks in search for his owed chocolate. A morning trains destroys him.

Repeat the process enough times, and the earth is ours!

I pity you.

Coooree' Fqhel-dah-man
(best alien translation possible after seeing The Lost Boys)

I run an underground assault business posing as free candy bar distribution.

Guest Post by Yaphet Kotto

Hello world.

I have an exciting opportunity that you will be interested in. I run a business that allows you to assault people early in the morning in any way you desire. All you must do is offer them free chocolate which you only need to provide roughly one out of every four times?

This is an especially promising career option if you are a lousy, albeit successful, actor.

What do I provide? Come to the subway station location that I will email you between 1:45am and 2:40am to find out.

I will not assault you!

Love,
Yaphet Kotto
Star of "Homicide: Life on the Street" aka H:LOTS

Free Chocolate Subscription Available

Hello -

My street name is Gerog, but you may know me as motion picture actor James Franco. I am offering you an exciting opportunity. A free chocolate bar every day for life AT NO COST TO YOU.

Why am I doing this? I have a love of giving you chocolate and in fact, yes, I have an excess of chocolate as well.

I will tell you exactly where and when to pick up your free chocolate bar each day THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO! Be assured the bar will be unopened and you will not be harmed.

If you think your mother is a filthy whore, than you will come down and enjoy my chocolate.

Love (deeply),
James Franco (aka Gerog)

I am cancelling my chocolate bar subscription

Sirs –

I am hereby cancelling my chocolate bar subscription effective immediately.

Originally, I must confess that I thought a program in which I received “free chocolate” every day was an dubious concept, but the promise of free delicious chocolate must have blinded me to this. I should have known that a man delivering me the free chocolate bar on a subway platform between 4:45 and 5:15am was an atypical supply chain.

In the past three months, your employee has verbally, physically, and sexually assaulted me during these morning hours. Furthermore, I have only received 8 chocolate bars in this time, and many of them have been partially eaten.

Per your request, I am delivering this cancellation note between the hours of 3:18 and 4:13am on the subway tracks between the two designated stations, dressed in black. I expect the 74 chocolate bars that I am owed will be present upon delivery of this note.

On a personal note, please tell Gerog that he is wrong about my mother.

Best,

Tiger Woods (FKA C. Thomas Howell)

Defective Minotaur for sale

Defective Minotaur for sale, in that he has a man-head, not a bull-head.

Delicious man-bottom is functional.

What I did

I stuffed a Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside a dinner roll
Inside a taco shell
Inside a Pop-tart
Inside my body
Inside a coffin!

Photo by NoiseCollusion

My conversation about Neitzche with my 19 month old son.

Me: Hey, buddy, don't put that ball in your diaper. Is that your way to express your radical perspectivism?

Son: Diggle, Eeeeeeeee.

Me: Don't pull the master and slave morality card. I'm the daddy here.

Son: Waaaa, Whaddle, Weeeee. Diggle, diggle.

Me: You are right. The eternal return of the overman is upon us.

Son: Mooooooore cheeeeeese!

Me: You want more cheese, boy? Here you go.

Acceptable.tv

Is kind of great in a low-fi way. We have nothing to do with the show, we just like it.

Forgive the non-irony.

What the buttons mean in the new Speed Racer movie

The Wachowski Brothers are making a Speed Racer film for next year and it was just announced that the buttons do on the new Mach 5.

Button A: Jump!
Button B: Find Transvestite Bar!
Button C: Put on Trannie clothes!
Button D: Don't judge me!
Button E: High Beams (car)
Button F: High Beams (fake breasts on Trannie)
Button G: Kicks Monkey and Retarded Kid from Trunk, replaces with Trannie.

This is encouraging, as I love to watch men in women's clothes remove monkeys from small places.

Day Care for your tools!

Since we are working 105 hours a week, no one is looking after our inanimate objects. This is fine for furniture as they hate humans. But your tools are very sad, as you have left them in the lawn and they are now rusting.

Fine English Bitties are available for mere pence to take care of your tools. These Bitties were removed from service as they used to strike children with tools. So why not have them look after your tools instead?

Once you turn your tools over to them, however, never try to retrieve them from the Bitties. If you do, they will strike you with your own tools. You will also be hit if you stop paying them. You are therefore committed to paying them $4 a week, and you will never see your tools again.

THIS IS A LESSON TO YOU!

Nintendo Announces New Title: Cool Mist Provider DS

Of the success of such Nintendo DS games as Animal Crossing (gardening and fishing game) and Nintendogs (dog petting and scratching game), Nintendo has announced a new title in the line of banal tasks for its handheld system.

Cool Mist Provider DS places you as a man who owns a cool mist vaporizer with an extra long power cord. You run the vaporizer up to very dry men, and provide them with cooling mist. The men thank you and give you coins, which you can then use to purchase stickers to decorate your vaporizer.

Challanges in the game involve detangling the cord, cleaning the filter, and of course... filling the tank with water.

The title will be released in April, followed in July with Manual Freezer Defroster DS.

The Final Five???

Egg is on the face of NCAA basketball tournament organizer Greg Shaheen, as a severe bracket error has allowed five teams, rather than the customary four, to survive to the tournament's final weekend.

"I forgot to count up all those lines," said Shaheen, pictured here apologizing on CBS radio. "In fairness, around 10 million people participate in office pools, so you would have thought that someone else would have caught it before now."

The final five teams are UCLA, Ohio State, Florida, Georgetown, and Ohio State a second time.

"Since Ohio State qualified twice, it is not fair to simply eliminate one of their slots," said Shaheen.

In a sense of fairness, all five teams will play in a "cutthroat" format, in which all teams play on a single court at the same time, scoring on either basket at will. Ohio State, having qualified twice, will be allowed to field 10 players for this game.

The team with the lowest score after 5 hours will be eliminated. The Final Four will start 10 minutes thereafter, right after Dick Vitale is roasted and eaten.

Barry Pepper signs with New York Giants

Coach Tom Coughlin announced today the signing of acclaimed actor Barry Pepper to the New York Giants' 2007-08 roster.

Pepper has been cast in the role of the world-weary veteran quarterback, brought in to "train and tame" young hotshot Eli Manning. When Manning gets injured right before the 2008 playoffs, Pepper has a chance to step in for one last moment of glory.

Still to be cast are the roles of the comic relief foreign-national place kicker and Coughlin's smoking hot girlfriend on the side.

This is Pepper's third sports role, the other two being his portrayal of Roger Maris in HBO's 61*, and his role as a Professional Rollerball Star in John Travolta's Battlefield Earth.

Those 300 guys sure like Spritzers!

Man, those bare chested 300 hunks love their "Sparta."

But since no one loves "Sparta" and actually it makes people ill to scream the word, the actors of this film replaced their battle cry with the phrase "Spritzer!"

All manly actors love white wine spritzers, and would gladly die in battle for the light, fruity combination of cheap wine and Sprite.

Here is a scene from the film...

Wine Steward: This is madness!

Bare Chested King Leonidas: THIS IS SPRITZER!

(King Leonidas kicks Wine Steward into pit of bubbly soda and wine.)

The Drive Thru Menu at Peter O'Toole's

The new drive thru restaurant named "Peter O'Tooles" announced their extra value menu today.

Combo #1 - 3 Vodka martinis, 2 highballs, bourbon chaser
Combo #2 - 2 Vodka martinis, 2 Gin martinis, 1 highball, rye whisky chaser
Combo #3 - various liquors, many of which are lit on fire
Health-Conscious Combo - 9 wine spritzers

Upsize by adding 2 gin and tonics for just $3 more.

Food menu TBA (probably never).

Come to O'Tooles. Remember their slogan. Peter stands with his junk sticking out of his pants and says "I must run water through this, ma'am."

Puzzle Time!

Guest Post by New York Times Puzzle Editor Will Shortz

I get many requests from 8 year olds like this one.

"You are dead to me. Even if you made me a fun word puzzle, I would never love you, father!"

Well, Timmy, your wish is my command. Here is a word puzzle. Try to find the one word that is the secret message of all the clues.

Five Letter Word
"Uncommonly Good," said the Keebler Elf
Causes relief from death rattles
Knots up your stomach

Yesterdays' most popular Pop Hit
Over the Rainbow is not Dorothy's only tune
Umpires also "strike out"

Tonight Show Host, Steve Allen
"Ice" is slang for what drug?
Moose, not Bullwinkle
Manatee, not SeaCow
You are a dick, Timmy!

What is the secret message, Timmy, you are so f*cking smart?

The Different Flavors of Videodrome

Wayne Cheeze pointed out that there are many flavors of Videodrome these days, since this is the era of Web 2.0 and all.

We all know the "Classic" version of Videodrome, still available on most of your cable providers, which features James Woods giving Debby Harry cigarette burns. Watch it enough and you see a fleshy VHS cassette slot grow in your chest. (Yes, I know! VHS! What's the matter Videodrome? Can't scrape up the bucks to upgrade to fleshy DVD or god forbid fleshy Blu-Ray!)

Did you know that Videodrome comes in other flavors?


Cherry Videodrome: Debby Harry's hair is dyed red. Your nose starts to smell cherry stuff until it falls off.

Grape Videodrome: See Videodrome, Cherry. Notable exception, James Woods' hair is purple and you smell grape instead of cherry.

David Allan Greer Videodrome: The excitable actor is burned with cigarettes by Damon Wayans. Marlon and Keenan are freaked out and will not participate.

Mustached Blonde Man Videodrome: You think he is some kind of hillbilly, and he often is. Do not watch this Videodrome, 'cause there is some sick crap coming up.

David Lynch Videodrome: All is quite normal and kind.

Videodrome is Burning: Jim Rome takes calls from Raider Fans all while he is nude, chained, and beaten. For once, you do not find him insufferable.

For old times sake, I'll now reach into the VCR slot in my chest… Hey, that's where my copy of Running Scared went!

LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH, BOYEEEE!

My 4 favorite lies

Guest Post by Milton Supman

4) That is not soup.

3) That soup does not belong to you.

2) Yes, it is soup that belongs to you, but it is poison.

1) Now that you ate poisoned stolen non-soup, you will live forever.

Turns out, none of them are lies after all! I am 340 years old and still love my soup!

What is in a $100,000,000 pizza?

• Tomatoes
  


• Cheese
  


• Meat from Seabiscuit
  


• Mushrooms (Portabello)
  


• Land rights to large portions of France
  


• Green Peppers
  


• Lost Beatles recordings (2 songs)
  


• Sausage
  


• A cure for cancer (only good for small animals)
  


• Everything in this picture
  
  

Notes from the Bracketologist!

I've got a great idea! With the NCAA tourney coming up, why not try to predict the "brackets" ahead of time. Maybe you can compare your predictions with others in your office for a slight wager?

If you do this, I have firm suggestions that will force you a win.

1) Even though he is cute and hilarious, bet against the team that has "Air Bud" as a player. Dogs are genetically bad at basketball.

2) Many teams from the south are deliberately starved of food prior to their first weekend's game as a motivation technique. Pick these teams to win in the first round, since they are working on pure adrenaline and fury. But pick them to lose in the second game, since that is the point when their bodies will begin to eat themselves.

3) The Jamacian Bobsled Basketball team is 0-29 in the tourney all time. So they are due to win. Bet them all the way to the Sweet 16.

4) Every Final Four in the past 15 years had featured either Duke, or a team that is a fan of "The Duke of New York" (aka Issac Hayes). Since Duke is awful this year, throw a screening of Escape from New York and see what team shows up. Advance that team to the Championship Round.

5) When in doubt, always bet on the team with the most corrupt booster program.

Top 4 Wizard Fights of All Time

4) Sarlock the Master of Desserts vs. Dragoon the PieHorder. Weapon: Magic Pies

3) Thomas of the Cat Familiars vs. Jerry, Lord of the Church Mice. Weapons: Cheese, traps, dynamite, dogs on very long leashes.

2) Moo-lao the Optician vs. Yuron the Opthomologist. Weapon: Custom Fitted Lenses (possibly Magic?)

1) Gandalf vs. Saraman in Fellowship of the Ring. Did you see that movie!!! Totally kick ass wizard fight. Weapon: Some kind of Magic.

Oprah Fight!

The sorority that I pledged as a Freshman this year does not have pillow fights, they have Oprah Flights!

Everyone takes an Oprah by the feet and begins to swing it wildly.

If you have a medium-fat Oprah, you can get swinging quickly!

If you have a super-fat Oprah, you start slowly and weakly, but gain super momentum late!

If we have too many fighters and not enough Oprahs, someone may fight with a Gail or a Rachel Ray. No one ever uses the Dr. Phil.

These are not blow-ups, or paper cut outs, by the way. They are real human Oprahs.

When they smack you they leave suuuuuch a mark.

Thanks for your time.

Gerry Hamberg

P.S. Yes I am a man in his late 50s. My sorority is progressive and mind your own business and it is not fictitious.

My favorite frog of all time: Frogworth Hopingston

By Betty Lipnikki

Hello world! I love life!

I am also in deep love with my favorite frog of all time. His name is Frogworth Hopingston and he is a PhD – Pretty Happy Dearheart!

Here is why we cannot be beaten.

1) Hops higher and farther than any frog ever

2) Can actually carry additional frogs inside his belly

3) Not slimy, actually cozy to hug

4) He is actually a kangaroo

5) He is nothing like one of those f*cking disgusting frogs!

God bless you Frogworth. Please crush all other frogs slowly with your freakishly large kangaroo feet.

A self review of my performance to date

Cleanliness (out of 10): 3

Good Intentions (out of 10): 6

Structural Integrity (out of 10): vs. hurricanes, 10; vs. earthquake, 5; vs. children’s tears, 1

Weakest Body Parts: stomach (punch), eyes (poke), ears (can be “boxed”)

Malice: Light (towards shrimp), Heavy (towards all things not shrimp)

Use of vowels: AAAAAAAA-OOOOOOOOK

Personal reference: Was wife, now no reference

Locker Combination (gym): twice right to 30, once left to 12, right to 3

Nuclear Suitcase Password (gym): “ohno” (all one word)

Vertical Leap: (without kangaroo) 4”; (with kangaroo, in pouch) 34”

Clown or Wolf: I’d like to say Wolf, but I know better

James Franco is in your house!

Get out of your house now! James Franco is in the basement. He is crawling upstairs slowly!

My god, why are you still there? Are your affairs in order? Because James Franco is ever closer, and he may touch you soon.

When he arrives, what will happen? He will give you a pout so hard that your intestines will spill out of your belly. HE IS MOPEY AND CRAWLING UP THE STAIRS RIGHT NOW!

Lock the basement door! Better yet, throw Ryan Phillipe down there with him. Both will mope each other in permanent gridlock. In several days they will die from dehydration. At this point you can send your White House body guards downstairs to clean up.

White house body guards???

Yes, did I mention that YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES????

An actual real life OnStar conversation

Man: Can you let me know where my car is located?

OnStar: Sir, my computer shows me that you are calling me using the OnStar service.

Man: That's right.

OnStar: Meaning, you are in your car right now.

Man: (crying) Tell me where I am!

OnStar: It looks like the Costco parking lot in Canyon Country.

Man: What is this (slowly) COOOST-COOOO?

OnStar: It is a warehouse club store.

Man: Can you unlock my door? I am really scared!

OnStar: You are inside your car, sir. You can unlock them yourself.

Man: (Crying) I don't want to die in here!

Sound of car door unlocking.

Man: Now I am free. Thank you OnStar!

OnStar: You're welcome.

Man: Call the police! I've been in an accident!

OnStar: Your car has not moved for hours, according to the GPS.

Man: It happened weeks ago.

OnStar: Sir I don't think--

Man: (crying) I am losing blood!

Sound of typing.

OnStar: Police have been called. I'll stay on the phone with you until they arrive.

Man: Great. (pause) So... Can you tell me if Costco still has their very large chicken pies?

Sound of typing.

OnStar: No, sir, they are out.

Man: Lock my doors, please.

Sound of car door locking. Sirens approaching.

OnStar: Sir, my records tell me you are in fact, Harvey Keitel. Is this true?

Nothing.

OnStar: (yelling) SIR, IS THIS TRUE?

Silence. Sirens. Sound of a gun being cocked.

End of call.

Photo by bovine magnet

Flash Mob for Chicken... Great!

The new flash mob is seconds from forming. Set your watches. The time = 2:35pm. The city = Augusta, Maine.

We meet at Popeye's Chicken, and we buy all the chicken they have.

Then we take all the chicken across the street to KFC.

KFC gets angry at our mob, and in the confusion they mix the chicken together.

Then, over the next week, when people are ordered by their government to buy KFC, they get Popeye's some of the time.

This angers some (those that prefer KFC). Those who prefer Popeye's are happier, but confused.

People who go to Popeye's are sad since all the chicken is gone.

God, I had a good reason to do this, but for the life of me I can't remember it now.

Ah well... too late now.

Photo by jetalone

Salt Mice

There is a great new technology that will revoultionize how you deal with steak and tomatoes.

Why pour unwieldy salt on your meat and fruit? You are forced this way to spread that salt yourself, and you are very clumsy... mounds of salt will cluster on the left side of your meat and fruit, while the right side will be bland and salt-free.

The solution is clear. Turn real mice into living salt mice. These live salt mice will live in a small cage on your restraunt table, consuming coffee sugar packets for food.

When your steak and fruit arrive from the angry waitress, you let the mouse loose. He/she will run over your steak and fruit, coating it EVENLY with delicious salt. No more will your inadequacies in salt distribution ruin your meal.

How will we accomplish the creation of salt mice? That is the easiest part. Simply make them turn back and look at Sodom and Gammorah.

Ha ha, stupid mouse! Now that you looked back at the cities of sin, you are doomed to serve us at Claim Jumper forever!

Photo by Dano

You can't handle the junk

Charlie Chaplin once had a love child with an even smaller man. The result of this tryst was yet an even smaller man.

THAT man, the love child, then took off all his clothes and performed at the Hollywood bowl.

The cost to see this show, free. In fact, by attending, you received $50.

Who came to the show? Can't you see from the picture?

Why did no one show up? Perhaps THE LOVE CHILD'S MAN JUNK was too much for them! Ever think of that?

No you didn't.

Academy Award Winners of 3,000,000 A.D.

After 10,000 years, the Academy Awards were revived from cancellation in 12,008 A.D. through the efforts of Dame Judy Dench's distant ancestor, Willie Fernfly Dench.

They thrived until the natural end of the planet Earth, albeit with rather low ratings. (You Tube continued to take much of the show's audience.)

As you requested, here are the winners of the last Oscar neuroncast, finished moments before the sun's nova explosion engulfed the earth.

Best Picture: Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AHG8

Best Actor: Zzzz, Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AHK10

Best Actress: Zzz*$z, Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AGR31

Best Original Screenplay: Nanobot Orgasm and Murder Stimulation #402AGXX32

Best Adapted Screenplay: Howard's End (infinite remake edition)

Thalberg Award: Warren Beatty

Academy Award Winners of 3,000,000 BC

Now that the Academy Awards have finally given the Oscar to Martin Scorsese, the awards have been cancelled moving forward.

With the final episode of the Oscars airing last night, Clown Vs. Wolf thought you would want to "look back" at the winners of the first every Academy Awards, held in the year 3 million B.C. in the Shrine Auditorium.

Best Picture: Scream at Tiger, Large Teeth

Best Actor: Oog, Fire Bad

Best Actress: Heervoo, Make Nice Kiss Kiss

Best Makeup: Mud Fall Down

Best Costume: Big Leaf Cover Pee Poo

Best Adapted Screenplay: Mud Fall Down (adapted from the folktale, The Death of Kreeno the Clumsy)

Best Original Screenplay: The Remains of the Day

Thalberg Award: Chief Googoo, for not eating all the babies

Secrets of the Da Vinci Code!

Now that the Ron Howard film The Da Vinci Code won Best Picture at the 2006 Academy Awards, it is safe to reveal the secrets of the film.

These secrets are not spoilers if you saw the movie al fresco, better known as "normal style." These secrets only come out if you watch the film under the influence of expired homemade mescaline.

FACT: The holy grail is not a grail at all, but is, in fact, a "cup."

FACT: The Louve restaurant is not a restaurant at all, but in fact is a house of fine art available for purchase.

FACT: It is legal to murder someone in the Louve, as long as you drag the body around and write clues in the victim's blood.

FACT: Ian McKellen is Gandalf, Magneto, and a raving queen. All three things give him incredible nerd cred.

FACT: The Knights Templar were neither Knights nor manufactures of Templar, a non-stick coating found on pots or pans.

FACT: Mary Magdalene had mutated lady parts, as dramatized in the film Dead Ringers (in which Jeremy Irons and another guy who looks a lot like Jeremy Irons really gets excited about Mary Magdalene for that very reason.)

What does this all mean? That if you want to save the world from the bad guys who love Jesus, make sure you hide the key to all humanity in a bunch of codes only history nerds could solve.

Why? Because once a guy finds the key to all humanity, it will likely be a hot chick, and that hot chick would never bang a history nerd, therefore saving the world.

Here is the latest Ziggy

Here is a funny little story about today's Ziggy comic strip.

The original text of this was "Suicide Hotline." And the woman said: "I never thought I'd be telling anyone this, but I think you're better off doing it."

Ziggy creator Tom Wilson is going through a rough patch right now.

After receiving the strip, the editors changed the text to its current version.

Free Pie

You did it! You won free pie!

Pick up the free pie at the corner of 1st and Main Street. I'll be the guy with a trench coat and tube socks (I have lost the shoes pictured here).

Your pie will be in several pieces in my several pockets.

Just pull the pieces of pie out yourself and assemble them in a tin.

The pie is neither fruit, cream or meat based. When you see what it is made of, you will be shocked!

YOU WON FREE PIE!

Canada's New Plan

Neo-conservatives (Hannity, Wolfawitz, et al.) are falling out of favor in the states, what with all the mismanagement, lying, and sex with teens.

So the Canadian government sees this as an opportunity, and is opening their borders to these misunderstood captains of industry.

In order to attract that sweet, sweet neo-con cash, the Canadian government is eliminating all income taxes for people making more than $200,000 a year.

Sounds perfect? There is a catch! Anyone who pays taxes has the right to pass wind in the face of those who pay none.

Are we to believe that Canada is eliminating income tax for neo-cons just so they can fart in their face?

I am not sure, but during the press conference annoucing the new plan, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was distinctly giggling.

The Jerky Boys Musical

I heard on the radio that the winner of the 2006 Tony Award for Best Musical is a show called The Jerky Boys. I am sure I heard that correctly.

I can only imagine the loving songs of this fantasic musical.

* "You order Chinese Food, you no come pick up!"

* "I got a funny little drinking problem!"

* "Ode to Brett Weir"

* "These tomatoes are dried up."

* "You're The One That I Want (Woo Ooo Ooo Kumar!)"

This sure makes the Dreamgirls Oscar Snub in perspective. Why like that crap, when you can enjoy a musical about phony phone calls?

Bugs Bunny speaks out against Paracoccidioidomycosis

After Chuck Jones got in trouble with the IRS for failing to report the income he received betting on turtle races in Key West, he cut a deal with the government. Jones agreed to direct short films staring Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, informing the public about the dangers of lesser known diseases.

The following is the transcript from one of these films.
______________

Bugs and Daffy are leaning on a tree. Daffy has a pipe.

Bugs: Eh, what's up, doc?

Daffy: I'll tell you what is up! Cases of Paracoccidioidomycosis!

Bugs: Paracoccidioidomycosis is a mycosis caused by Paraco... ccidioides. It is sometimes called "South American blastomycosis", doc, but is caused by a different fungus than that which causes blastomycosis.

Daffy: Whatta maroon.

Bugs: (squinting has he tries to read cue cards off camera) If you get exposed, and your mycosis becomes... Sub...cutan...eous, know that these infections are difficult to treat and may require surgical debridement.

Daffy: Or just use Castor oil!

Bugs: Yeah, that should cure it. Castor oil, whatever.

(Bugs sighs, looking bored.)

Daffy: If you are exposed, see your school nurse. And tell your pop to vote for Eisenhower.

Bugs: Yep. (Bugs wanders off set.)

Daffy: Bugs?

(Daffy looks blankly, shrugs. Then he listens to someone off mumbling off camera.)

Daffy: We have seventy more of these to do?

I am "Iron Man"

With the Iron Man movie coming out, I thought I would catch the fever and replace a piece of my body with iron. I am not familiar with the Iron Man character, but I'd imagine it has something to do with replacing a fleshy body part with an iron one.

I first was going to chop off my hand and replace with a robot hand. But robot hands are sooooo the turf of a Matt Helm villain.

So I thought about it and have made my decision. I have replaced my skin-based pituitary gland with an iron-based one.

But the joke is on me. My new iron pituitary gland secretes no enzymes, it is just for show. As a result, I have no growth hormone, and am now 45% my original size. I am also lactating breast milk at a wicked pace.

At least I should be able to get on my local news once the Iron Man movie comes out.

It is directed by Jon Favreau.

Art by Adi Granov

Slot Machine Madness

As this is Clown vs. Wolf posting #100, it is time to detail the exact payouts of the slot machine that I have in the casino located in my basement.

Cherry, anything, anything - 1 coin
Cherry, cherry, anything - 2 coins
cherry, cherry, cherry - jackpot (does not happen)

bell, bell, bell - 15 coins
belle, belle, belle - Beauty and the Beast DVD (out of print)

bar, anything, anything - free drink
bar, bar, anything - buy me a drink?
bar, bar, bar - where is that damn bar? What? Last Call? Why you lousy...

baby, baby, baby - free baby
baby, baby, anything - free baby
baby, anything, anything - free baby
anything, anything, anything - free baby

WON'T SOMEONE TAKE THIS SCREAMING BABY AWAY!!!

Photo by liberalmind1012

My new cell phone ring tone

I often don't hear my cell phone ring, so I got myself a new ring tone.

In order for me to hear it, I chose the startling sound of a gun shot. For realism, the sound is deafening, and it goes off right next to my ear.

Since no cell phone can duplicate a gun shot by my ear, I have replaced by traditional bluetooth earpiece with a .38 snub nose. I put my ear in the place your trigger finger goes.

Through science that I shall not explain, whenever my phone rings, the .38 fires. Since I don't want to shoot any people who are not mailmen, I load the gun with blanks.

However, I am questioning the effectiveness of these blanks, since people are sure look like they are actually shot whenever a telemarketer rings to sell me more term life insurance.

Maybe I should not have hired the prop man from The Crow to load my bluetooth .38 full of blanks.

Photo by Thms

The final word about Jesus

Compare Jesus to Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient.

Both die.

Both are put in a cave.

Both wait three days.

But only one comes out.

Ha Ha, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient... you are NOTHING like Jesus. Stay in that cave, lady!

What's that? You say that Jesus was never nominated for an Oscar?

Why are you talking, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient. You are so dead in a cave and I just proved a wicked point about Jesus!

What's that again? You say Jesus never was awarded the Légion d'honneur by the French government in 2005?

God, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient, you know how to ruin a guy's fun!

Stay in that cave, lady!

Photo by Steve Deger

The Five Seasons

Someone with mild genetic stupidness (not the sad kind, but the kind that is OK to make fun of) asked me a question today. "What are the names of the five seasons?" Since he had that funny genetic stupidness, I thought this was another one of his dumb, dumb questions.

But it turns out he is right. There are, in fact, five seasons.

1) Winter
2) Spring
3) Summer
4) Fall, or "Autumn"
5) James Van Der Beek

How is this true? Were there not only four seasons just weeks ago? And why is one of the seasons the name of a forgotten Dawson's Creek star?

James Van Der Beek is indeed a real season. It lasts 8 days, and is in mid-December - that time that really should be winter, but still is technically fall (cause fall is a dick and won't give it up).

What do you do for these 8 days? Play football in colorful leaves or drink hot cocoa and wrap presents? Turns out neither. You watch Varsity Blues and The Rules of Attraction and weep for what might have been.

Why did James Van Der Beek get his own season? Turns out he is the distant grandson of black wizard Oliver Cromwell. And therefore he is the most powerful magician in Hollywood, second only to Babe-star James Cromwell.

If you don't believe me, check it out in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasons. (If it is not in the entry when you check, some non-believer has taken out my edit!)

One other perk during the James Van Der Beek season... murder without consequence or remorse!

I have to roast this woman, not literally

I am tasked with writing a scathing attack on this very nice woman. Powerful people are paying me to do this, so she must have pissed off someone.

All I found out about her is that she is good-natured and kind to children. That ain't funny!

She likes the Packers, which is more lame and sad than funny.

I'll make up three lies about her...

1) She once dressed up a dog in a Joe Stalin costume and made out with it.

2) She once called up Shirley Temple Black and agreed with her crazy pro-Vietnam opinions.

3) She once destroyed one of the "Twenty-Four Histories," specifically the Book of Wei. Now China only had 23 Histories - which is totally creepy given that Jim Carrey movie is coming out where he is scared of that number.

Ah, I need help... Post some comments with attacks on this woman! The secret power brokers want her taken down!

The Toronto Raptors: finally embarassed about the name

The Toronto Raptors issued this statement Wednesday evening.

We acknowledge that our franchise name of "Raptors," which was coined at the height of Jurassic Park-fever, is today totally lame.

While the effects seemed amazing in 1993, today they seem a bit tired. Not that much better than Dino De Laurentiis' King Kong remake, if you ask us.

We can't help but think that if we had named our franchise right after Return of the Jedi, we would be called the "Toronto Ewoks."

We plan on changing our name soon to fix this error. The two leading contenders are the "Toronto Jack Sparrows" or the "Toronto Nights (at the Museum)."

I'm glad for the mea culpa. However, this blatant attempt at movie tie-in sports franchises is not the worst offense in sports history. That distinction goes to the NHL farm team called the "St. Louis Last Starfighters."

Ray Suarez: Cluster of Evil Insects?

The blogosphere is a nice place to find out interesting information. For example here is some "TV Trivia" I leared about NPR host and News Hour fill-in Ray Suarez.

Ray Suarez is not a human, but rather a cluster of insects born of the devil himself. If you ask Mr. Suarez to support our troops, he will swarm you with deadly bites.

His fill-in News Hour moderation of Shields and Brooks clearly favors Shields, and he vomits on his food before consuming it.

DDT does not work on him, nor does White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

The source for this funny, clever news is The Coalition of Family Focus Hertigage Values, the Christian extreme right wing arm of Fox News and that Drudge guy.

As an agnostic, I pray to no one in particular

Every night before my evening meal, my agnostic family says the following prayer.

Dear Whomever,

I pray that you and your other gods, or you by yourself, are infinite, or finite, or non-deity-like in every way. Your singular or plural wisdom knows either no bound or plenty of bound.

We hope to follow your path of loving kindness, stern vengeance, or that "grey area" in between, depending on who you actually are.

When we die, our souls will go to Heaven, Hell, some kind of holding place, to the body of a stray dog, or to the "Uni-mind." You decide.

And thanks for the chicken. It looks great.

A-men, praise be to Allah, and l'chaim!

Photo by greggoconnell

Colts Victory and a surprize!

As our offices are located in Seymour Indiana, everyone at CvW were happy to see the Colts win Superbowl XLI.

We were also shocked to see that Tony Dungy was revealed to be a "little person" no bigger than 3 foot 7.

Dungy, shown here hugging Peyton Manning, is finally revealed to be munchkin-like.

Why did we not realize this before? CGI.

Dungy finally came clean minutes after the game. "I represent Christians, African Americans, and the lollypop guild."

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts, the team that makes me cry... this time with happiness.

Photo by the AP

Congratulations to "Clocky Office"

Once there was a boy born by the name of Clocky Office. His name came from the fact that the first thing his mother saw when he was born was a clock, and that clock was located in an office.

Clocky Office could never tell time, and he was bad at filing. In fact, he works construction and is consistently late to appointments.

Therefore, we at the International Institute of Irony (aka the III), have determined that Clocky Office is our Most Ironic Man of 2006.

Second place was given to Pencil Sharp, a man who prefers pens and keeps his knives perpetually dull.

The award was first given in 1924 to Slim Longfellow, a short fat man.

Last year's winner was James Lipton, as he is not made of onion soup at all.

If you have an ironic name, please don't contact us for this award, as that is usually the tactic of a man who renames himself with a deliberately ironic name. (We are talking to you Vibrant O'Color, a recent albino applicant.)

Photo by Saad

Why did I become a Buddhist right before I had access to this time machine?

Crap! I just awakened from the "sleep of ignorance" by directly realizing the true nature of reality. And it was the same day that I just finished work on this kick ass time machine.

I could totally go back in time and put 100 bucks in a savings account and collect millions today... if I only coveted material things.

I could totally go back 2 years ago and buy Google stock and double my money or more... if I didn't walk on the noble eightfold path.

I could totally buy land where that mall is gonna be, so I can sell it to Westfield Shoppingtown... if I didn't discover the true nature of reality through a lifetime of spiritual cultivation.

I also want to kidnap Steve Jobs, but man...

Loving kindness my ass!

I have orange slice for you

Guest Post by Nice Man DiBrazzi

Hello to you.

I have orange slide for you.

Vitamin C and not a bit of drug that makes you sleep.

Too much health is not a problem. Vitamin C does not ruin your eyes.

Eyes are OK to lick. Does not give germs.

...

Please eat these orange so you can sleep and I can lick your eyes.

...

I HAVE ORANGE SLICE FOR YOU!

Photo by jhull