Winning at Texas Hold 'Em

Guest Post by Kevin Willis (Power Forward, Atlanta Hawks)

Regular Hold 'Em Poker is too hard, since everyone keeps putting goofball pills in your beer and then they can totally look at your cards.

These tricks give YOU the advantage.

• Instead of holding two cards, people should hold the number of cards equal to the molar teeth in their mouth (gives you an advantage over young children).


• Since Texans have a natural advantage in Texas Hold 'Em, do not allow them to use their hands in the game (and therefore they are unable to "Hold 'Em").


• Make all Star Trek fans wear red shirts (they will be too scared to play well, as they will assume they are going to be murdered before the game is over).


• Burn all 7s and spades with matches (gives you an advantage over New Orleans Shamen, as 7s and spades posses the "Magic O De Big Easy").


• Invite Syria and Iran to your game (gives you an advantage over Condelleza Rice).


• Play with straight pins instead of chips (gives you an advantage over The Ballooney Man).


• Infect cards with Polonium 210 (gives you an advantage over retired Russian spies).


• When you have a great hand, yell "I have an awful hand." This is the opposite of the truth, and therefore everyone will give you lots of chips and you automatically win.

These tricks totally work. I just won $235 dollars in a backyard game against three neighborhood dogs. (I pulled on their choke collars whenever I wanted them to fold.)