Guest Post by Milton Supman
4) That is not soup.
3) That soup does not belong to you.
2) Yes, it is soup that belongs to you, but it is poison.
1) Now that you ate poisoned stolen non-soup, you will live forever.
Turns out, none of them are lies after all! I am 340 years old and still love my soup!
Friday, March 16, 2007
My 4 favorite lies
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2 comments:
Everything you are about to read is the truth.
Tonight I happened to see an episode of the Jerry Reed Variety Hour from 1976 on RFD, which basically is Hillbilly Videodrome.
Jerry was resplendent in a powder blue suit, turquoise turtleneck and silk shirt onto which LeRoy Neiman puked his Superman ice cream. In fact, all the guests wore some shade of blue, except for Ray Stevens, who had on blue jeans but insisted on a brown sweater.
After talking to Tammy Wynette, Jerry's big guest of the evening was none other than Mr. Burt Reynolds. He wore a navy blue suit with a powder blue shirt. He was in a pensive mood, though on a couple of occasions he did grace the audience with his trademark laugh.
Mr. Burt Reynolds introduced a montage of outtakes. He first explained what outtakes were.
Then Mr. Burt Reynolds said he was going to perform, but he needed to explain what he was doing first because it was "kind of heavy." He said he had been trying to adopt a boy for some time now, but the powers that be didn't think that as a single parent, and as Mr. Burt Reynolds, he would be an appropriate father.
So a friend wrote a spoken-word piece for him. The piece was about a home that was more than a home, it was a place of dreams that were more than dreams. And he had a room set aside for a boy he wanted to adopt. He talked about the tree in the back yard where his son would swing. He talked about answering his son's questions, like, "Why can't I touch the stars?" And he talked about the unspeakable things he would do to his son after downing some bourbon.
OK, I lied about that last thing. But I swear that after watching the show, I reached into the vagina-like cavity that had formed in my stomach and pulled out a banjo grafted onto my hand.
Wayne Cheeze!
Hillbilly Videodrome sounds amazing. All my cable provider offers is regular Videodrome and German Videodrome - and I am sick of the barking dogs on both channels.
YOU ARE WAYNE CHEESE!
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