An actual real life OnStar conversation

Man: Can you let me know where my car is located?

OnStar: Sir, my computer shows me that you are calling me using the OnStar service.

Man: That's right.

OnStar: Meaning, you are in your car right now.

Man: (crying) Tell me where I am!

OnStar: It looks like the Costco parking lot in Canyon Country.

Man: What is this (slowly) COOOST-COOOO?

OnStar: It is a warehouse club store.

Man: Can you unlock my door? I am really scared!

OnStar: You are inside your car, sir. You can unlock them yourself.

Man: (Crying) I don't want to die in here!

Sound of car door unlocking.

Man: Now I am free. Thank you OnStar!

OnStar: You're welcome.

Man: Call the police! I've been in an accident!

OnStar: Your car has not moved for hours, according to the GPS.

Man: It happened weeks ago.

OnStar: Sir I don't think--

Man: (crying) I am losing blood!

Sound of typing.

OnStar: Police have been called. I'll stay on the phone with you until they arrive.

Man: Great. (pause) So... Can you tell me if Costco still has their very large chicken pies?

Sound of typing.

OnStar: No, sir, they are out.

Man: Lock my doors, please.

Sound of car door locking. Sirens approaching.

OnStar: Sir, my records tell me you are in fact, Harvey Keitel. Is this true?

Nothing.

OnStar: (yelling) SIR, IS THIS TRUE?

Silence. Sirens. Sound of a gun being cocked.

End of call.

Photo by bovine magnet