Now that the Ron Howard film The Da Vinci Code won Best Picture at the 2006 Academy Awards, it is safe to reveal the secrets of the film.
These secrets are not spoilers if you saw the movie al fresco, better known as "normal style." These secrets only come out if you watch the film under the influence of expired homemade mescaline.
FACT: The holy grail is not a grail at all, but is, in fact, a "cup."
FACT: The Louve restaurant is not a restaurant at all, but in fact is a house of fine art available for purchase.
FACT: It is legal to murder someone in the Louve, as long as you drag the body around and write clues in the victim's blood.
FACT: Ian McKellen is Gandalf, Magneto, and a raving queen. All three things give him incredible nerd cred.
FACT: The Knights Templar were neither Knights nor manufactures of Templar, a non-stick coating found on pots or pans.
FACT: Mary Magdalene had mutated lady parts, as dramatized in the film Dead Ringers (in which Jeremy Irons and another guy who looks a lot like Jeremy Irons really gets excited about Mary Magdalene for that very reason.)
What does this all mean? That if you want to save the world from the bad guys who love Jesus, make sure you hide the key to all humanity in a bunch of codes only history nerds could solve.
These secrets are not spoilers if you saw the movie al fresco, better known as "normal style." These secrets only come out if you watch the film under the influence of expired homemade mescaline.
FACT: The holy grail is not a grail at all, but is, in fact, a "cup."
FACT: The Louve restaurant is not a restaurant at all, but in fact is a house of fine art available for purchase.
FACT: It is legal to murder someone in the Louve, as long as you drag the body around and write clues in the victim's blood.
FACT: Ian McKellen is Gandalf, Magneto, and a raving queen. All three things give him incredible nerd cred.
FACT: The Knights Templar were neither Knights nor manufactures of Templar, a non-stick coating found on pots or pans.
FACT: Mary Magdalene had mutated lady parts, as dramatized in the film Dead Ringers (in which Jeremy Irons and another guy who looks a lot like Jeremy Irons really gets excited about Mary Magdalene for that very reason.)
What does this all mean? That if you want to save the world from the bad guys who love Jesus, make sure you hide the key to all humanity in a bunch of codes only history nerds could solve.
Why? Because once a guy finds the key to all humanity, it will likely be a hot chick, and that hot chick would never bang a history nerd, therefore saving the world.
2 comments:
For years I used the DaVinci code as my ATM password. Last year, I had to think up a new one. Thanks for nothin', Hollywood! Dicks.
So your ATM code was "Mary Magdeline was a dude?"
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