The type of Indian Chief I need

* One that will hold me close and never let go.
* One that will cheer for the Washington Redskins, but tell his friends it's "ironic cheering."
* One that tells me the ancient secret pancake recipe of the Navajo (Maybe involves corn? Doesn't sound right...)
* One that gives me only one green zero on the roulette wheel (much better odds!)
* One that patronises me endlessly, cause god knows I don't get any of that from the Europeans.