It's time I entered the 21st century and upgraded my analog food to digital. But I am having difficulty selecting the right format. As everyone knows, I have two options.
Toshiba's HD-Food has the greatest variety (most fruit, some breads, entire line of cheese, most beef). HD-Food also supports 5.1 Dolby Surround.
Sony's Beta-Food has higher resolution and faster loading times, but is lacking in variety. That said, Beta-Food is the only digital source of chicken and fresh water fish
Instead of choosing, I want to wait until later in 2007 to replace my mouth with one of those dual-format inputs. But the guy at Best Buy was unclear on how much they would cost (or if they would offer installation in their "medical trailer" out back).
I should decide soon! I think my robot overlord chef (pictured here) is poisoning my analog food with silicon-based oregano!
Prof. Busey teaches Early English History, and here is an excerpt of a particularly moving lecture:
“Battle of Hastings, man. The mud… it produced… LIFE! And the maggots can’t be stopped. And the fever of the Battle. The Battle of Hastings. It’s like the mud can’t be stopped.”
“Fly on, William the Conqueror. Fly on, young gentle-man.”
My only complaint is that we have been discussing the Battle of Hastings for the past 9 weeks.
And did I say Prof. Busey teaches at “Harvard Extension?” Sorry, I meant “my living room.”
BreakBear was the star of Tales of the BreakBear, a comic book series introduced in 1974 by Paver Comics. Paver Comics was a line of comics dedicated to destroying the environment in all its forms, mostly by blacktopping or “paving” over it.
The origin of BreakBear begins as a Black Mountain Bear’s forest home is paved over by heroic blonde men, called “Pavers.” The displaced bear is then improved by a scientific program, whose aim is to turn bears into either superheroes or dock workers. Prof. Milton Paver decided on the former for BreakBear, as he had just completed work on HeavyCrateLiftingBear the prior afternoon.
The superhero powers of BreakBear are very specific. He has mental telekinesis that allows him to snap or “break” right-sized pieces of wood. By right-sized, he can only break wood 2 inches think by 8 inches wide. Thinner pieces of wood cannot be read by his telekinesis, but his powers are too weak to break anything thicker. The width is also important for some reason. And no other substances are affected by BreakBear’s powers except wood (actually, only certain kinds of cedar).
The process that gave BreakBear the intellect of a four-year-old child, also puts him in a perpetual state of exhaustion. As a result, he often must be pushed around in a wheel chair by another bear.
His great powers also come with a weakness, in that exposure to any of the following will immobilize him for hours: water, dust, sunlight, protein, or happiness.
BreakBear’s greatest victory came in issue #3, when he cheered from the sidelines as the Pavers blacktopped or “paved” over a Botanical Garden. He weakly clapped his paws together, before his happiness in the dusty sun rendered him immobile.
Editors Note: The photo here represents one of the rare occasions when BreakBear is out of his wheelchair, specifically the moment he was devoured by two wolf-like dogs in his comic’s final issue (Tales of the BreakBear #3).
I found this letter in my hometown paper, the Santa Clarita Hot Mop:
....
I used to be a candy girl on sets of RKO motion pictures such as Lady Jane, and The Return of Lady Jane, and The Return of Lady Jane 2. Being a candy girl means that I sold candy in a little tray, which was a very difficult job given that movie sets typically had dishes of free candy all over the place.
I was working on the set of Is Zat So? (1927) when Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. came up to me. He asked me if I had seen his father.
I asked “What’s his name?”
“Douglas Fairbanks,” he said.
I thought that was hilarious. I then asked what his name was.
“Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.” he said.
That was too much! I toppled over in laughter and my head fell on the point of his shoe. The style in 1927 was for shoes to have steel points that were four inches long and pointed upwards. As a result, I lost my eye.
In 1993, I found Douglas on Men in Tuxedos/Women in Christmas Outfits Night at the local High School. We laughed about the incident, but he showed no remorse for what he did.
It was all and all worth losing the eye over!
Signed,
Judy Baar Topinka
Here is a trick whenever you are in an argument that you are losing. Just say the magic words…
“I am right, because I am a Christian Scientist!”
This ends all debate for two reasons. 1) Christians are very popular these days and who doesn’t love Jesus, 2) Scientists hold all the world’s knowledge through their use of beakers and geographic proof tables. You are the perfect blend of the secular and the divine and therefore win all debates!
It has worked out very well for me. I am winning all my debates, including the last one where I asserted that Fat Free Jelly is neither fat free nor jelly.
The only downside: I am currently dying of an infection that could be easily cured with antibiotics.
The film John Tucker Must Die is wholly irresponsible. Do you realize that attempted murders of people named John Tucker have increased 350% since the title of that film was announced?
People often do exactly as they are told, and the men in their Hollywood clothes must realize this.
For example:
* When The Manchurian Candidate came out, Manchurians were elected into public office 3 times more often than in 'off years.' THIS ALSO OCCURED DURING THE RELEASE OF THE SNOOZER DEMME REMAKE!
* Cases are routinely put in the freezer every Sunday night, THE SAME NIGHT THAT COLD CASE IS ON CBS!
* Every time a Beach Boys song comes on, people throw their young boy children out the car window onto the beach, LITERALLY BEACHING THEIR BOYS!
* If anyone ever would watch Fox's The War At Home, they would literally begin shooting automatic rifles at home! Thankfully, NO ONE EVER WATCHES THAT SHOW BECAUSE IT IS UTTER CRAP!
And on and on.
To stop this madness, I have renamed my dog John Tucker. I have put him on a leash, unprotected in my front yard. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE HIM DIE!
This is how Richard Nixon would have forced Spiro Agnew to resign, if he were two years old while president.
"You a bad man, Spiwo. Pay yow taxes, Spiwo! Go away, Spiwo!"
Agnew would have dropped his head in real shame, much more shame than getting forced to resign by a 60-year-old Nixon!
Then, as commander-in-chief, 2-year-old Nixon would have told Pat that he made dookie in his waa-waa.
I am a regular listener of the Art Buchwald Radio Show. (I listen to it on KOLD, Southern California's Hot Medical and Geriatric Talk.) I thought you may enjoy this amusing anecdote that Art read during today's "Men vs. Women" segment.
A man was having horrible tooth pain. As he is married to an oral surgeon, he asked his wife to look at this mouth. "It is nothing," she said, "leave it alone and the pain will go away."
He did nothing about the pain, but it got worse every day. Eventually it was excruciating, "I am in horrible pain, and it got worse every day. It never got better. But you said to do nothing! How could you suggest this, as a licensed oral surgeon?"
"You forgot one important piece of information," she said.
"What is that?" he asked.
"I hate you."
That Art is a cut-up. No wonder he stole the idea for Coming to America from Eddie Murphy.
5) Take that, you Bad Men! Seeing Gary Busey in his shiny suit on the top of the Alamo still gives me chills.
4) Rich Shiny Man Dance Party Bollywood can make great Armor Boulder movies too!
3) Transcendence The best movie to combine Knights, Armor, Boulders, and the tragic events of 9-11.
2) Fight Club 3 The corpse of Brad Pitt is fantastic as Zombie Tyler unleashes rocky fury on those Credit Card companies!
1) Up the Creek Tim Matheson is worth this hidden gem, despite featuring no noticeable suits of armor. But I'm sure they paddle past a boulder once or twice.
Hon. mentions: Boulder School, Gauntlet Time, and Knights of Rocky Ridge.
Did you know that...
* Law and Order has used one specific piece of video in all of its six spin offs (Law and Order, Trial by Jury, Special Victims Unit, Criminal Intent, Mutilated Genitalia Patrol, and Law and Order: Babies). The video clip in question is a monkey eating a blueberry pie, but played in reverse, so it appears that the pie is being regurgitated entirely "in tact."
* There is a tunnel connecting all the CBS procedural shows. Meaning if you get cast as a guest star in CSI: Miami, you can use that access to tunnel into Criminal Minds, or NCIS, or even, yep, Cold Case! Tim Matheson has been living in these tunnels for years, entering them after being cast as Dr. Aaron Morrison on Without a Trace.
* No one has ever seen the NBC show Medium. You may think you have, but it was the psychic on the show just making you think that way. If you were ever able to see and remember the show, you would know it is actually just 60 minutes of stock footage. Specifically, footage of various men thumbing through car wash coupons.
* Jim Lehrer rolls a six-sided die before every nights' News Hour with Jim Lehrer. The number that comes up is how many times he needs to punch his own crotch while reading the news. The joke, however, is on the staff of the PBS show, as Mr. Lehrer's crotch has not been able to feel pain since Bob Dole stuck a pencil in it during the 1996 presidential election.
Now that it is off the air, I can admit that I didn't understand the TV series Friends. After a long night with a very patient friend, I am happy to stand corrected.
I used to believe that a) Chandler was the skinny girl with the hair, b) Rachel and Ross were the same person ("Ross" seemed to be used as a shortened nickname for "Rachel"), and c) Phoebe was the monkey.
I also used to believe that all the friends were terrorists, something to do with their mustaches and their "death to America" rhetoric. I now know that I was not watching NBC's "Must See TV" at the time, but rather Al Jazeera by mistake.
I now know the truth thanks to my own "friend," Parole Office Leftwich. Thanks, Lou! You know your "TV Trivia!"
It is good to know that most of the Friends are not terrorists! Except, of course, for that fat cow Monica.
Round 19: Unbreakable Steel Skeleton Clown vs. Octogenarian Wolf (Nov 20th, 2006)
Unbreakable Steel Skeleton Clown attacks the Octogenarian Wolf with spinning circus blades in each hand. The clown is laughing in a high-pitched attempt to intimidate by evoking fear of Batman's nemesis, "The Joker." This proves to be futile on a non-literate animal, such as a wolf.
The elderly wolf has no teeth. So rather than biting, he leaps into the mouth of the clown. He burrows slowly down the clown's throat, separating his mouth apart as he digs. The clown is suffocated, as his unbreakable steel skeleton remained a non-factor.
Although the wolf also cannot breathe inside the clown's throat, he lasts much longer than the nancy-boy clown. Once the deed is done, the member of the "Greatest Wolf Generation" easily backs out of the mix of saliva, teeth and blood the clown once called a mouth.
Later, the wolf is put to stud with several other bulls and horses.
For the fans of my yard work, I have released yet another lawn-mowing session on DVD. It also available on Blu-Ray, HD-DVD, and that crappy PSP format.
Here are the bonus features available on the Criterion edition:
* Expanded 2 hours of bonus leaf-collecting footage
* Alternate angle selections, including the one where my camcorder falls on the ground
* Behind the scenes documentary: My Wife Tells Me To Mow The Lawn
* NC-17 short subject: Squirrel Humping a Tree
* Bonus feature-length film: Raiders of the Lost Ark (Spielberg, 1981, copied off HBO 2002)
* Coupons for my son's Christmas Wreath business (expired)
Available at Big Lots, between the Shrek breakfast cereal and the broken shards of glass.
And here it is.
Turns out there is this lady who never says "I have to go to the toilet." She only says "I have to go wash my hands" - even when she has got to lay some serious back end business! So her girlfriends follow her in the bathroom, and sure enough, she is a serious toilet user. There are odors and everything. Simply unacceptable.
She breaks down and admits things, and it's very Merchant-Ivory for a bit. Then she goes on a date with that Colombian guy we all like and it works out fine.
So ends the first 10 minutes. After that it's pretty much Star Wars.
It's called "The Untitled Girl From Grey's Anatomy Project" $450,000 option, suckas!
5) Midnight Cowboy: When Hoffman says "I'm walking here," it is over the neck of a turtle
4) Kramer vs. Kramer: In the mold of Freddy vs. Jason, Kramer (Hoffman) fights to the death with Kramer (turtle)
3) Marathon Man: The phrase "Is it safe?" was edited down from the original screenplay which read "Is it safe to keep killing all these turtles?"
2) Straw Dogs: The bookish Hoffman character gets bloody vengeance over either rapists or turtles (I forget)
1) Death of a Salesman: How cool was it when Willie Loman kills himself, rips off his mask, and reveals he is actually a turtle!
In this alternate universe, James Dean did not die young. He lives to be old and uninteresting.
This event does not impact the assassination of Lincoln, as that event predated the death of James Dean by nearly 100 years!
But the classic 'butterfly' effect of the non-death of James Dean now caused the following to happen:
*Red is now Blue.
*Fridays are 90 hours long.
*There are miles of tunnels that link together Dallas and Ft. Worth, so Texans will not be eaten by the cannibal locusts.
*Chocolate and peanut butter are no longer delicious together. They are still delicious separately.
*Outer Space now has plenty of air in it.
*Twizzlers have knocked Red Vines off the map.
*Bantha meat has replaced beef.
*Instead of presents for Christmas, people get one 'free murder' to commit.
*No one watches James Dean's movies, as he is widely regarded as a hack.
Moliere, better known as Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, ran from the LAPD in Inglewood holding a car stereo he had ripped from a Dodge Durango. The foppish 17th century playwright scaled a chain link fence in order to lose the dogs that were after him. Then the fabulously flamboyant scribe was sprayed in the face with pepper-spray by an elderly woman who owned the yard.
As he fell in pain, he was discovered by the searchlights of overhead helicopters. It was a splendid farce.
Later, Moliere died on stage, while performing Le Malade Imaginaire.
When I am lying on my deathbed, I will surely remember a scene from Fox's game show "The Chamber." I remember that a large African-American man was in the "hot" chamber, and they just turned it up from level, let's say, level 3 to level 4. The man didn't care. And as they turned up the heat and flipped him upside down, he yelled out a gutteral "YES!" to show how much he could take it.
That's it. That's all I will remember.
The most troubling law passed last week during the midterm elections was California's Proposition 94, making illegal "the tying of string-like objects for the sake of securing or binding."
This is an obvious sop to the Velcro lobby. And outside the tripping/stumbling that will be happening as our good citizens transition out of lace-based shoes, there are many more problems with this law.
This law makes it illegal to tie anchors to small watercrafts. Wednesday saw many tour and fishing boats unable to stay in a single spot of ocean.
This law makes it illegal to twirl your handlebar mustache in a menacing way, as both your mustache and your finger are legally defined as "string-like."
The law makes it illegal to spray Silly String nearly everywhere, except on very thin and wide objects (e.g. a square yard of wax paper).
Why was this "bad for California" law passed? It was backed by political television ads that depicted graphic hardcore sex.
Also the title of the proposition was misleading: "The Free Graphic Hardcore Sex or String Non-Binding Proposition." Most people thought that the choice between free sex and string non-binding was up to the individual. It is not.
Governor Schwarzenegger, please allow me to keep tying this old dog in my basement to the radiator - and repeal this law!
Your national pancake is a mix of flour, oil, and perhaps butter, fried in a pan until it is delicious.
My regional pancake begins as the scrapings of a old man's hind leg. Specifically the part of Walter that is dying faster than the rest of his body.
It is not fried, rather it is "sun fried" meaning left in the sun with an expired mayonnaise coating. It takes weeks to prepare.
We garnish my pancake to taste with WD40 and squirrel droppings.
No one in my region dreams at night without dreaming of our regional pancake.
Our regional pancake ran for Mayor, and as a result, we have no office of the Mayor.
A man once put regional pancakes in his shoes and they made him run away from his dog. His dog, who loved the man, knew it was better to let him go.
Our regional pancake is the middle child of eight children and some day hopes to start a small business that rents bounce houses.
My regional pancake has so many diseases and parasites it actually is cleaner than your national pancake. Yes, and it is 50% off for this week only.
COME ON BY FOR A VISIT!!
* One that will hold me close and never let go.
* One that will cheer for the Washington Redskins, but tell his friends it's "ironic cheering."
* One that tells me the ancient secret pancake recipe of the Navajo (Maybe involves corn? Doesn't sound right...)
* One that gives me only one green zero on the roulette wheel (much better odds!)
* One that patronises me endlessly, cause god knows I don't get any of that from the Europeans.
Our Mission
Clown vs. Wolf is an exploration on why, when a clown and wolf fight, it is always the wolf that wins.
This is universally true, even when clown is a Germanic Knife and Poison Clown - the deadliest Clown known to man.
