The fun kind of bleeding

Contrary to Wikipedia, bleeding is normally not a fun activity.

But there are exceptions, three to be precise, when bleeding is a hoot.

1) When you bleed into the FunSparkle Bleed Machine, the most entertaining machine ever invented that runs on human blood.

2) When the FunSparkle Bleed Machine gives you a FunTime cut, making you bleed some more, and making the FunSparkle Bleed Machine twirl even faster.

3) When bleeding on the class action suit affidavit to the FunSparkle Bleed Machine Company that will make you rich, rich, rich!

So now I am worth tens of thousands, and have countless cuts on my hands and face?

Just like Edward James Olmos.

Photo by Jillallyn

Draft of my personal ad for comments

Hi, I am going to post a personal ad on Yahoo Personals in 86 days and I'm very excited.

Here is what I have so far, and I'd love you to comment.


SWM, 39, seeks buddy to flip pancakes and make fun of others. Not sexual, but open to being perceived by others as creepy.

Must love Must Love Dogs
Also must love dogs
Also must love Dogz (children's toy line)
Also must love The Gods Must Be Crazy
Also must be crazy
Also must love the Gods
Also must love guns
Also must love Gun Crazy

Love of pancakes not required, but must love flipping things.


So what do you think? Maybe I can get a celebrity pal this way? Justin Long perhaps, TV's "Mac"?

The opening of "The Shield"

Before the beginning of the FX series, "The Shield," an announcer must read the content rating by law. Here is a recent announcer's transcript:

"The Shield is rated TV-MA L S GV M A FOS GFFOHO DBIPOUT for Language, Sexual Situations, Nudity, Graphic Violence, Mutilations, Amputations, Forced Oral Sex, Guy's Face Forced On Hot Oven, and a Dude Burned In Pile Of Old Tires.

"It also has a scene where a fetus is ripped from a dying pregnant mother in a back alley. Serious... It's pretty fu(beep)d up."

(Long Pause...)

"This is supposed to be entertainment... ya know..."

(Rambling continues for 2-3 more minutes.)

(Loud knocking on the outside of the booth.)

President Reagan has been shot!

By Casper Weinburger

Everyone, thanks for meeting in the situation room. As you know a few hours ago, President Reagan has been shot by a lone gunman, John Hinkley. We are investigating whether the assassin was backed by the Soviets.

The Reds think they can get the Gipper, but he's tougher than all of them.

Contrary to the assertions of Mr. Haig, Vice-President Bush is in charge until the President is in full recovery. Now, in the meantime, we need a full profile on this Hinkley, including known political--

What?

The shooting happened over 25 years ago?

Damn, someone set my PC clock to March 30, 1981 again.

Go to hell, George P. Schultz!

Joyful News

Floo, the Wood Elf, who can bring all the woodland creatures together in harmony, who can spin rainbow light into solid cakes of love, whose every move can heal the sick, even those with some kind of bone marrow disease, whose smell is like that of a flower and a strawberry mixed together in a mixed drink at a Pretty Convention, whose smile would melt a Nazi and have that Nazi be remolded into a kind African boy, whose ability to hit home runs is only equalled by his ability to point to the stand in which he will hit that home run, died today in a hunting accident.

He had no survivors.

My favorite 5 things about Fantastic 4 part 2

5) The military uniforms are surprisingly accurate.

4) Stan Lee's embarrassing cameo gives us one more opportunity to laugh at that sad fool.

3) For a few brief moments, we glimpse a semi-nude Micheal Chiklis.

2) Since Dr. Doom is played as an effeminate Eastern European, his cape and bondage armour now makes sense.

1) The movie's ending comes a good 10 minutes before I typically would attempt to gouge my eyes out.

Spid-ey-Mo

I love the new Emo Spider-man.

When Sandman attacked, Spidey played Elliot Smiths "Fond Farewell for a Friend" with My Chemical Romance as his back-up band. Sandman then got all mopey.

Then Courtney Love and Norman Osborne murdered Kurt Cobain and Uncle Ben Parker and I have proof!

KCRW has made threatening sexual advances to me

The Santa Monica Public Radio station, KCRW, has made several threatening sexual advances to me and it has to stop.

Listen to the titles of their shows.

"The Business" - as in "I am going to give you... the business." What is the business? Does it involve me removing my pants?

"The Treatment" - as in "I am going to give you... the treatment." Much more unnerving? Does this treatment involve auto-erotic asphyxiation?

"Left, Right and Center" - clearly a name for his member and sidecars

"Movie Reviews with Joe Morganstern" - simply disgusting

I am going to report you to NPR (specifically Steve Inskeep), if you don't stop this, KCRW.

I'd switch to the Pasadena station (KCPP), but only if knew they would stop bitch-slapping me.

Jerry Orbach is really Johann Sebastian Bach

Star of stage, screen, and Law and Order screen, Jerry Orbach is the best actor over 90 on TV today.

Or is he? Look at his stage name and you see a clear message.

Jerry:
Je - the french personal pronoun (le pronom personnel) for "I"
Re - to repeat, like Groundhog Day, or the Bill Murray movie about Groundhog Day

Orbach:
Or - the Cockney accent for "whore"
Bach - JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH!

Or Simply - "I am the whore J.S. Bach who lives my life over and over like the movie about Groundhog day."

So Jerry Orbach is screaming to us that he is the reincarnated Germanic composer, who is doomed to star in police procedurals during a series of infinately concurrent afterlives.

Likely as punishment for fucking awful Brandenburg Concertos.

Dying is easy

I'm back after a slight ailment.

Turns out I was, in fact, dead for several weeks. I would type on my keyboard, chuckling at my oft-misunderstood wit. But my words of gold would fail to ascend the servers of our beloved Google.

What was wrong? Did my IP address have too many "bits" in it? Was my CPU spending all of its power forcing digitized humans to race light cycles?

Maybe it was that truck that hit me? I still have that headlight shard in my eye socket and that can't be good. Plus I can walk through walls... and last time I looked, my name was not Shadowcat!!! (See X-Men #139)

Yep, I was dead. So how did I come back? It's easy, and you can do it yourself through a simple five step process involving common household items.

1) Rub head with Epsom salts
2) Take a hot bath
3) Remove shard of glass from eye/brain
4) Trade your soul for the life of all the pets on your street (to the demon "Dogeater")
5) Buy a new wardrobe! You earned it.

So my keyboard works, and my CPU has returned Jeff Bridges to the human world. All is right again.

Or is it?

Yes. Turns out it is.

Forgiveness

I know the posting has dropped off substantially in May.

Two reasons.

1) I am an alcoholic.
2) Contrary to the advice of my friends and family, I have taken advantage of AA's "go back on booze" month of May.

The problem... here it is June, and I still like drinking that booze!

I question the logic of AA's program, but who am I to turn down the chance to "get active" in my alcoholism again.

Here's to my visions of spiders...

(Holding a mug of 99 cent vodka and $50 a shot cough syrup)

Your Pal,
Greeeeeeeeeeeeeg

The major event

Man returns from the bathroom to find his wife, Woman, has just ordered dinner.

Woman: Honey, do you know what you want?

Man: Yes. (To Waiter.) I'll have the whitefish and a Caesar salad.

Woman: Oh my god! That is what I ordered!

The couple laughs.

The waiter laughs even harder.

Man: White fish!

Woman: Same order!

Fifteen minutes pass. Laughing.

Still laughing.

Reporter: White fish! Same order! This is the story of the year. What a scoop! Get the satellite up.

A satellite hook up broadcasts the event worldwide.

A crowd gathers outside the restaurant.

Crowd: White fish! Same order!

Men from the future materialize from a wormhole, laughing.

Future man #1: This is the event.

Future man #2: White fish!

Future man #1: Same order!

Man: You are from Future?

Future man #1: Yes... look!

They look at the satellite screen.

George W. Bush (on screen): White fish!

Bin Laden (on screen): Same order!

They shake hands. Laughing.

Man: The world is saved.

Woman: Same order!

4 out of 5 dentists do not know they are dentists

A new study revealed that roughly 80% of all practicing dentists do not realize that they are dentists. Although they do good work and get high marks of satisfaction from their patients, they have no idea that the term "dentists" could apply to what they do.

As they go to work each day, they ask themselves: What am I doing? Why do I feel compelled each day to fix strangers' teeth? They seem to want to pay me money for this service. Is there a connection?

The other 20% of dentists, those who realize they actually are dentists, try to convince their colleagues to understand why they are being paid to work on teeth - or at least try to convince them to tell others they are dentists at cocktail parties - but to no avail.

This is why 20% of all dentists are very lonely, as the majority of other dentists will not admit to themselves they have chosen this life.

An open letter from Calvin

Dear world -

I have never pissed on the logo of any automobile brand, foreign or domestic. I contain my urine to toilets, exclusively.

That boy is an imposter.

That is all,
Calvin

Mad Magazine's parody of David Lynch's Inland Empire more linear than original

Mad Magazine's recent parody of David Lynch's Inland Empire, a baseball themed piece entitled Inland Umpire, had much more of a coherent plot than the subject of the parody.

In the piece, a woman who mildly looks like Laura Dern is a female umpire in a Pamona-based minor league baseball team. "When looking for love, she strikes out!" says the piece.

The piece also had guest appearances by Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks and Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. And it ended with a cameo from the director Lynch himself, holding a cup of coffee and a piece of cherry pie, and saying "Even I don't get it!!!!" to the reader.

It was clear that the author of the piece had not seen Inland Empire, nor a Lynch film from the past 15 years.

Coming up for Mad, a parody of Alfonso Cuarón's Children of Men, entitled Children of Mensch - in which all the Jewish people on the planet are no longer able to hold bar mitzvahs.

The Delay - slow speed donkey chase

The 6 fans of CvW have been writing in (long hand on parchment) expressing displeasure for limited updates of said vehicle.

The reason for delays is simple - I have been locked in a week-long, slow-speed chase with MegaDonkey, the donkey made of anti-matter.

The donkey is incredibly slow, so he is easy to outrun. But like a zombie, MegaDonkey never sleeps, never stops. So my week has been a series of running, sleeping, being awoken by an approaching "haaaawww" noise, and running again.

Why am I running? Donkey anti-matter is fatal, and can destroy the universe. You're welcome.

Anyway that lasted for a week, but ended last night when I decided just to give him my goddamn carrots.

Rock and Roll Lyrics are Disgusting!

When I was a kid, sure, the rock and roll lyrics were a little raunchy. Jimmy Hendricks told his Hot Momma she had "tire tracks on your back" which somehow seemed dirty, but in an automotively safe context.

Now I can't believe what you kids listen to. I had to hear for myself so I went down to the (pictured) local record store and bought a VHS tape.

That's right, you buy music on tape now! I only had vinyl LPs.

Well imagine my surprise that this VHS tape was just people having sex with each other. And very little music!

I had to make sure so I bought ten more tapes, and sure enough all of them had smutty sex. They give out Grammys for this?

Even the titles are without merit. I don't know what artistic goals are met with the title Ultimate Handjob #8. I also saw little carry-through of thematic elements when I went back and watched episodes 1-7.

The only saving grace is that record stores these days are open 24 hours and have hidden off-street entrances.

Glen and Gary

Not mine, but makes me warm inside.

Your children... now frowning!

All of your children are crazed joymongers, smiling eternally, pleased with life and all its potential.

But you are sad, since you will never know the joy of seeing your children sad.

Now you can join my service in which I take photos of your ever-smiling angels and "turn that smile upside down." My "Photoshop" technique will make all children look sad and morose. This boy here was laughing before I got a hold of him.

Now you are happy since you can imagine your children sad!

$400 dollars each, or free if you give me 3 squares and a cot.

Photo by Drawing of Light

Warning: Fried Milk Secret Revealed!

I was excited to try my grandmother's recipe for Fried Milk. Since it was a secret, I waited on her front stoop until she died before entering her house and riffling through her papers.

To my surprise, the recipe looks delicious...

1) Take 2% milk, let harden in sun.
2) Add dog urine.
3) Throw it in ungrateful grandson's face.
4) Show him attached picture and tell him it is Fried Milk, when it is clearly just decayed milk and dog urine.

I did the recipe like it said. When the recipe said "Grandson" I assumed it meant me, since I have no heirs.

Wow the picture looks great!

Why do I smell like dog pee and mayonnaise?