I am cancelling my chocolate bar subscription

Sirs –

I am hereby cancelling my chocolate bar subscription effective immediately.

Originally, I must confess that I thought a program in which I received “free chocolate” every day was an dubious concept, but the promise of free delicious chocolate must have blinded me to this. I should have known that a man delivering me the free chocolate bar on a subway platform between 4:45 and 5:15am was an atypical supply chain.

In the past three months, your employee has verbally, physically, and sexually assaulted me during these morning hours. Furthermore, I have only received 8 chocolate bars in this time, and many of them have been partially eaten.

Per your request, I am delivering this cancellation note between the hours of 3:18 and 4:13am on the subway tracks between the two designated stations, dressed in black. I expect the 74 chocolate bars that I am owed will be present upon delivery of this note.

On a personal note, please tell Gerog that he is wrong about my mother.

Best,

Tiger Woods (FKA C. Thomas Howell)