Gravity, the Silent Killer?

ALL OF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH GRAVITY IS KILLING US.!!!... BONES ARE SHIFTING AND THAT IS NOT WHAT WAS INTENDED. AN ASTRONAUT IN SPACE LIVED TO BE 120 AND THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT WHAT ****YOU**** TO KNOW???

A MAN ONCE FELL FROM A BUILDING MANY FLOORS AND THIS DID NOT KILL HIM, BUT HIS BONES COULD NOT HEAL UPWARDS BECAUSE GRAVITY WAS MOVING THEM DOWN. NOW HE IS 5'11" AND CANNOT WALK. CONSPIRACY???

TELL THE GOVENMENT TO TURN GRAVITY OFF AFTER YOU PUT A ROPE AROUND YOUR HOUSE TIED TO A TREE OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VOTE GRAVEL.

Love,

RUTGER HAUER Jr.

Excerpt of Recent Episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Is anyone over there at Playhouse Disney paying attention. I think some college kids are goofing on the scripts (pun intended).

Here is an excerpt...

________________

Mickey: Let's find Minnie. She's hiding behind one of three bushes. Which bush is she hiding behind? (Pause for kid to yell at home). Bush #1? Let's check!

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1).

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Sam Jackson.

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush.)

Mickey: Huh. Sam Jackson... Now what bush should we look at? (Pause for kid to yell.) Bush #1 again? Really? OK.

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1 again.)

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Sam Jackson. Just like before.

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush again.)

Mickey: Now what bush should we look at? (Pause for kid to yell.) Bush #1 again? You've picked it twice all ready. (Pause.) OK, OK, all right!

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1).

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Samuel L. Jackson.

Jackson: You remembered the "L"!

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush again.)

Mickey: Now what bush should we look at? Remember, we picked bush #1 three times now. (Pause for kid to yell.) I'm just going to pick bush #2 anyway.

(Guy Richie comes from behind bush #2).

Guy Richie: I'm married to a pop singer lady.

Mickey: What is happening here?

(Richie winks then drops behind bush.)

Mickey: We are looking for Minnie. I'm not sure why these people are here. I'm going to look behind bush #3, the last bush. (Wait for kids to yell at the TV.) No, not bush #1 again! Bush #3.

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #3).

Mickey: It's Sam Jackson again! Jackson, what are you doing?

Jackson: I moved to this bush!

Mickey: Where is Minnie? Minnie? Minnie?

(Minnie walks up, eating a sandwich.)

Minnie: What's going on here?

The New State Names

With the election coming up, it's time to change all the names of the states that are currently awful.

New Jersey discovered that they are not that much newer than the original Jersey. Therefore New Jersey changes its name to Different Jersey.

North Dakota changes its name to South Canada, cause we in the US don't want it anymore.

West Virginia changes its name to Scary Virginia. Have you seen those people? Horrible.

Nevada changes its name to Aggressive Prostitute State with Gambling and Meth.

Arizona changes its name to Used To Live Elsewhere And Now Are Dying State.

And Guam changes its name to Now We Are A State Yeah!, although they are still not a state and this is just wishful thinking.

Why won't your state change its name? Is it stuck up?

Opening Remarks at 2007 Loggers Conference Rural Colorado

Listen, settle down!

What you just saw was not Bigfoot. a) Bigfoot doesn't exist, and b) he certainly is taller than that.

Jerry, what do you think you can do with that golf club? You can hurt it with that. He'll tear your arms off.

I mean, there is no Bigfoot outside at all. It's the wind, or a wolf, or a hairy man most likely.

Ron, board that window up, will you?

Anyway, here is the agenda for today. At 10, we will hear from the Skil company to discuss their latest line of chainsaws. At 11, we will hear a speach called "The Beaver: Friend not Foe." At 12, Lunch will be--

OH GOD! RUN! RUN!!!!

It's Time Again to Play... Kiss or Fight! (Article from Tiger Fight Magazine)

You know the rules...

1) The postman

A: FIGHT!

2) Defenseless Puppy

A: FIGHT!

3) A wolverine with jaws and claws bound in leather

A: KISS!

4) Paris Hilton in girlie underwear

A: FIGHT!

5) Prostitute whom you have all ready paid.

A: KISS!

6) John Ashcroft

A: FIGHT!

7) Now Ashcroft is unconscious

A: FIGHT!

8) You pummel his unconscious body, severly damaging it

A: FIGHT!

9) Now he is an unrecognizable pulp

A: KISS!

10) Your pals at Tiger Fight Magazine

A: KISS

I used Blue's Clues to Stop the Terrorists

Blue had his paw prints on a dynamite belt, a downtown mall, and a manifesto entitled "Death to Bruce Willis."

I sat in my thinking chair and thinked, thinked, thinked.

Then I realized that the dynamite belt... could be used by Bruce Campbell to blow up... the manifesto about shopping malls - no wait. That's wrong.

What if the dynamite... was used to blow up a mall... where Bruce Campbell... was doing a celebrity appearance?

I went the mall where Bruce Campbell was speaking and success! The Terrorists did not blow up the star of "Evil Dead 2" and "Brisco Country Jr."

While I was there I heard that the Mall of America was hit during a "Return of Bruno" reunion concert, but you can't be everywhere at once!

Yours,
Steve or Joe
(I can't remember which one I am)

The Kindergarten Treasure Chest

Every child gets rated on a stoplight every day in Kindergarten. Green for good. Yellow for caution. Red for bad.

If you stay on green all day you get a plastic gold coin. You can get one coin every day you are good. If you collect 10 coins, you get to go to the treasure chest.

What's in the treasure chest? Human fingers.

Wanna guess what happens to you when you are on red?

You have to bite off a finger of a hobo's corpse and put it in the treasure chest.

Did you think the fingers in the box were from the children? That's gross and you're sick. There are no children's severed fingers in the box.

Unless it's from a hobo child, of course.

What a fire ant thinks before a bite

Fire


Fire


Fire


Move


Feel


Bite?


No Bite?


Move


Fire


Fire


Feel


Bite?


Meat!


Oh, crap my thorax! I think I pulled a muscle in my thorax! Who's got an Advil? Jesus. Where the hell's the queen? Call Betty. Please... Where was I... Oh right...


Meat?


Bite!

Can You Grade My Fantasy Football Team?

Running Back - Tiki Barber

Quarterback - Michael Vick

Wide Receiver - "No Catch" Greesehands (his real name)

#2 Receiver - "Bummy" McFumble (his real name)

Kicker - Kathy Ireland from Necessary Roughness

#2 Kicker - Catherine Zeta Jones from T-Mobile Ad

Defence - Hufflepuff (Slytherin went right before me, damn!)

Tight End - Edward James Olmos (we get 0.5 point for every pockmark on his face)

Sounds bad, but I'm the favorite in my league since no one will play with me and therefore I WIN!

Zagat's guide to Methamphetamine

Addicts love the "intense focus" of the drug, especially as it gives you a "big buzz," adding that it's "highly addictive." Although some were less impressed by the side effects of "night terrors" and "habitual loss of teeth." All this said, locals love the drug you can "make at home" given it doesn't "explode and kill you."

Swords will cut you WIDE OPEN!

Maybe the best thing Channel 101 has ever done. www.channel101.com

People who are beating John McCain in the polls right now

According to the latest AP poll of likely Republican voters...

Fred Thompson (unannounced)

Micheal Bloomberg (unannounced, no party)

Al Gore (unannounced, other party)

James Marsters (actor portraying Cyclops from the X-Men movies)

John Daley (recovering alcoholic golfer)

Jimmy the Greek (former CBS odds maker, likely racist)

Geico Cavemen (fictional cavemen)

Shoe Salesman, unnamed (generic retail occupation)

Lamp (inanimate appliance, also generic)

John McCain, 2000 version (past self, not eligible to run)

The only people not beating in this poll are McCain are Dick Chaney (undead) and George W. Bush (not eligible for 3rd term, also horrible horrible fucking president, really bad).

The best scene from The Bourne Ultimatum

INT: AFL-CIO HEADQUARTERS – DAY

BOURNE sits across from AFL-CIO President, John Sweeney

BOURNE: You’ve seen my Identity, and you know my Supremacy...

BOURNE slides an envelope across the table.

BOURNE: The terms are non-negotiable.

CUT TO:
CLOSE UP – THE ENVELOPE

Sweeney's hands open it. It reads. “No health benefits.”

SWEENEY (VO): (gulp)!

Harry Potter's success 100% due to Scientology

That's right, Hogwartophiles, the only reason your beloved book series sells at all is that all Level 12 and below Scientologists are required to buy 100 copies to give out for free on Hollywood Blvd.

It is no coincidence that Dianetics finally fell off of the New York Times best seller charts right when Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone debuted. It's all a part of the plan, people!

PROOF!

J K. Rowling is an anagram for Growl Jink (a jink is one of those aliens that live inside you and make you fail personality tests.)

Hedwig the Owl is the same color as L. Ron Hubbard's bleached white skin (post yacht death).

The actor who portrays Ron Weasley will turn to Scientology as soon as he realizes there are no parts for him once the Potter movies end.

And the final nail in the coffin!

Read the book The Secret. The 'Real Secret,' turns out, if you read the third letter of every paragraph, is that Harry Potter based on the real life wizard lover of Tom Cruise! Or maybe Travolta! (I admit I have not read the book.)

Without your precious Scientologists, your precious Harry Potter will have been read only as much as the Goosebumps series (which still is pretty good at the end of the day. Well done.)

Sharks represent 40% of the "People" on Facebook

Young ladies, be warned! Your precious Facebook was just an elaborate ruse by Tiger and Great White Sharks to lure you into a social networking sense of security.

When "Judd from Laguna" asks you to meet him "in the ocean," your answer must be no! Judd is actually a shark with rubber tipped fins, Internet access, and saint-like patience with a keyboard.

Once you are in the ocean, the shark will first confirm your identity (you will be wearing a rose on your bikini top). Then he will eat you.

Why did you abandon My Space, oh youths of 2007? The worst predator on that site was the Morey Eel, easily defeated with a sharp kick to the face.

Clown Vs. Wolf Battle Summaries

Rounds 41 to 45

41: Mexican Wrestling Radiation Clown vs. Tired Brittle Bone Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by urinating on wrestling mask, causing radiation chain reaction.

42: Jason Bourne Clown vs. Abe Vigoda Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by exposing Bourne to memories that he was never loved, dry old man Wolf wit used to maximum effectiveness.

43: Robot Sonic Boom Clown vs. New Born Wolf Puppies. Result: Wolf wins by being too small to be effected by sonic boom. Boom then reflected off urine-resistant sheets, destroys robot Clown.

44: Friday the 13th Jason Vorhees Clown vs. Jamie Lee Curtis Wolf. Result: Wolf uses Freaky Friday powers to change bodies with Clown, sticks large knife in neck, switches back. Linsey Lohan looks on with approval.

45: Me Clown vs. You Wolf. Result: You win, as always.

Steven Baldwin's new show

Steven Baldwin's new show is called "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club" and the premise is simple...

Steven invites young women to his Yacht and they enjoy a few drinks.

That's it. Pretty innocent, really. Nothing else happens.

What? "Rape Club?" Sure it sounds bad, but it can't be further from the truth.

So why did Steven Baldwin choose to call his show "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club?"

Um...

To warn women against the dangers of going to his yacht! Yeah, that's-- no! Why would he have to warn anyone? It's all prefectly sweet.

In fact, just so the girls don't drink and drive, he gets Daniel to drive them home.

Oh... I get it now.

The Top Five Movies of 2007

Although 2007 is just half done, this list will not be revised at year's end.

5) Rescue Dawn, Ratatouille, Zodiac, Once, 300, the Namesake, Grindhouse, and Waitress (tie)

4) Le Shgr - Dutch/Polish film so obscure that it does not exist

3) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - a page turner!

2) Goodfellas (1990) - surprised more critics didn't catch this one

1) Voices in my head - not the film, the actual voices, never stopping

Nicknames for ole Pops

My Ole Pops has many nicknames.

His real name is James S. Pork

So his buddies called him "Spicy Pork"

Which then turned into "Carnitas"

Which they shortened to "Car"

So then they called him "Automobile"

Which became "Model-T (the original Automobile)" then "Mr. T"

"Mr. T" morphed into "B.A." (T's A-Team nome de plume)

"B.A." turned into "Burnt Almonds" which then turned to "Arsenic"

"Arsenic" lasted for a day before they called him "Old Lace"

When they called him "Old Lace," James S. Pork snapped and ate his friends. Uncooked.

He is in prison now, and I never visit.

Above is a picture of James K. Polk since no known picture is available for ole Pops James S. Pork.

Though I call him ole Pops, he is clearly not by father, you of course know this.

Transcript of when I called WingStop and Troy Aikman answered

Troy: WingStop, we got wings!

Me: Hi, can I place an order for...

Troy: Superbowl rings? Mine aren't for sale. Kidding. How can I help you?

Me: Umm... can I place an order for 10 hot and 10 lemon pepper.

Troy: I'm not gay, I finally got married.

Me: Sorry?

Troy: These are the best wings ever. We've won festivals and such.

Me: Oh. Um...

Troy: I've won many, many Superbowls as a quarterback. Do you recognize me?

Me: You are a quarterback?

Troy: For the NFL. Maybe you heard of it.

Me: Um...

Troy: Guess!

Me: I wanted some celery sticks too.

Troy: Guess who I am, you are so smart!

Me: Roger Staubach?

Troy: Staubach?

Me: Farve?

Troy: He's only won once! I said many.

Me: Joe Montana? Awesome!

Troy: No! Troy Aikman. I'm Troy Aikman.

Me: Oh. (pause.) I thought you said you weren't gay.

Troy: I'm not!

(Long pause.)

Me: So just the wings and celery then.

Troy: You want blue cheese?

Me: Sure.

Prof. Snape's lines cut from the latest Harry Potter film

* Potter, just because the sign says one dozen cookies, doesn't mean you have to eat one dozen cookies.

* This is my pet dog, Potter, he is very sick.

* Grainger, never refuse when someone offers you a mint.

* Weasley, does your HD TV have HDMI input?

* It's Red Vines on the west coast, Potter! Twizzlers on the east coast!

* Prof. Dumbledoor loaned me this sweater. Do you like it, Potter?

* What do you mean there is no Prof. Fondlebottom? Weasley?

* My pet dog is all better, Potter. Thank you for asking.

* You have never read Watchmen, Grainger? It is like literature, Grainger.

* Potter, I am really evil. Look to me to kill someone you love very soon. Potter.

Goodbye Dog!

Hello Kitty is yesterday's news. There's no money in it. You say Hello to Kitty, and then Kitty stays there. There is no need to buy more Kitty, since you said Hello and why would Kitty leave?

I have invented a new success - Goodbye Dog!

There is much money in this for me, yes.

When you say Goodbye to Dog, the Dog is sad and leaves. You get the joy of making Dog sad, and then you have no more Dog. To get the joy of sad Dog, you have to buy another Goodbye Dog for you to say Goodbye to it.

The cycle repeats endlessly.

$$$!

Here is more trivia for you. Where does Goodbye Dog go when you say Goodbye?

To Rusty's tavern in Tampa, FLA. 2 for 1 Hurricanes! Spring Break!

Non irony alert

Did you know that if you give a voice mail to a podcast, someone from a major newspaper will post it on their blog? It's like all web 2.0 and stuff.

Anyway I submitted a voice mail on my fave movie podcast Filmspotting and it got written up (briefly) by tribune critic Michael Phillips. Check out item #2 on the blog.

My podcast voice mail mention on this blog makes me more famous than George Clooney. Suck it, Clooney.

The blog...

http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/talking_pictures/2007/07/two-from-out-th.html

And the postcast... (Filmspotting is terrific always, BTW)

http://www.filmspotting.net/2007/07/filmspotting-167-sicko-transformers-top.html

Ah Clooney, I can't stay mad at you!

Condoleezza Nice!

While she may be the heart and soul of the worst presidential administration since fuckin' Taft, I think Condoleezza Rice should be called Condoleezza NICE!

Why do I say so?

* When told she made Time Magazine's list of 100 Most Influential People, she said "Aw Shucks, Fellas."

* Her policy of Transformational Diplomacy is based on democratic values, which are nice values generally.

* Refuses to waterboard people, at least personally.


Since Condie is such a sweetie, I think we should think of other nicknames for famous Rices.

* SF 49er player Jerry Rice is now called Jerry Thrice, for his three or more Super Bowl rings.

* Author Anne Rice is now called Anne Ice, for her chillingly realistic depiction of Tom Cruise as a gay vampire.

* Boston Red Sox player Jim Rice is now called Jim Lice, for his refusal to wash his uniform that led to an infestation of grubs.

* Gary Hart's friend Donna Rice is now called Donna Vice, cause she had sex with that one guy once.

And I should be called Greg Mice, cause Mice is allllll I eat!

The fun kind of bleeding

Contrary to Wikipedia, bleeding is normally not a fun activity.

But there are exceptions, three to be precise, when bleeding is a hoot.

1) When you bleed into the FunSparkle Bleed Machine, the most entertaining machine ever invented that runs on human blood.

2) When the FunSparkle Bleed Machine gives you a FunTime cut, making you bleed some more, and making the FunSparkle Bleed Machine twirl even faster.

3) When bleeding on the class action suit affidavit to the FunSparkle Bleed Machine Company that will make you rich, rich, rich!

So now I am worth tens of thousands, and have countless cuts on my hands and face?

Just like Edward James Olmos.

Photo by Jillallyn

Draft of my personal ad for comments

Hi, I am going to post a personal ad on Yahoo Personals in 86 days and I'm very excited.

Here is what I have so far, and I'd love you to comment.


SWM, 39, seeks buddy to flip pancakes and make fun of others. Not sexual, but open to being perceived by others as creepy.

Must love Must Love Dogs
Also must love dogs
Also must love Dogz (children's toy line)
Also must love The Gods Must Be Crazy
Also must be crazy
Also must love the Gods
Also must love guns
Also must love Gun Crazy

Love of pancakes not required, but must love flipping things.


So what do you think? Maybe I can get a celebrity pal this way? Justin Long perhaps, TV's "Mac"?

The opening of "The Shield"

Before the beginning of the FX series, "The Shield," an announcer must read the content rating by law. Here is a recent announcer's transcript:

"The Shield is rated TV-MA L S GV M A FOS GFFOHO DBIPOUT for Language, Sexual Situations, Nudity, Graphic Violence, Mutilations, Amputations, Forced Oral Sex, Guy's Face Forced On Hot Oven, and a Dude Burned In Pile Of Old Tires.

"It also has a scene where a fetus is ripped from a dying pregnant mother in a back alley. Serious... It's pretty fu(beep)d up."

(Long Pause...)

"This is supposed to be entertainment... ya know..."

(Rambling continues for 2-3 more minutes.)

(Loud knocking on the outside of the booth.)

President Reagan has been shot!

By Casper Weinburger

Everyone, thanks for meeting in the situation room. As you know a few hours ago, President Reagan has been shot by a lone gunman, John Hinkley. We are investigating whether the assassin was backed by the Soviets.

The Reds think they can get the Gipper, but he's tougher than all of them.

Contrary to the assertions of Mr. Haig, Vice-President Bush is in charge until the President is in full recovery. Now, in the meantime, we need a full profile on this Hinkley, including known political--

What?

The shooting happened over 25 years ago?

Damn, someone set my PC clock to March 30, 1981 again.

Go to hell, George P. Schultz!

Joyful News

Floo, the Wood Elf, who can bring all the woodland creatures together in harmony, who can spin rainbow light into solid cakes of love, whose every move can heal the sick, even those with some kind of bone marrow disease, whose smell is like that of a flower and a strawberry mixed together in a mixed drink at a Pretty Convention, whose smile would melt a Nazi and have that Nazi be remolded into a kind African boy, whose ability to hit home runs is only equalled by his ability to point to the stand in which he will hit that home run, died today in a hunting accident.

He had no survivors.

My favorite 5 things about Fantastic 4 part 2

5) The military uniforms are surprisingly accurate.

4) Stan Lee's embarrassing cameo gives us one more opportunity to laugh at that sad fool.

3) For a few brief moments, we glimpse a semi-nude Micheal Chiklis.

2) Since Dr. Doom is played as an effeminate Eastern European, his cape and bondage armour now makes sense.

1) The movie's ending comes a good 10 minutes before I typically would attempt to gouge my eyes out.

Spid-ey-Mo

I love the new Emo Spider-man.

When Sandman attacked, Spidey played Elliot Smiths "Fond Farewell for a Friend" with My Chemical Romance as his back-up band. Sandman then got all mopey.

Then Courtney Love and Norman Osborne murdered Kurt Cobain and Uncle Ben Parker and I have proof!

KCRW has made threatening sexual advances to me

The Santa Monica Public Radio station, KCRW, has made several threatening sexual advances to me and it has to stop.

Listen to the titles of their shows.

"The Business" - as in "I am going to give you... the business." What is the business? Does it involve me removing my pants?

"The Treatment" - as in "I am going to give you... the treatment." Much more unnerving? Does this treatment involve auto-erotic asphyxiation?

"Left, Right and Center" - clearly a name for his member and sidecars

"Movie Reviews with Joe Morganstern" - simply disgusting

I am going to report you to NPR (specifically Steve Inskeep), if you don't stop this, KCRW.

I'd switch to the Pasadena station (KCPP), but only if knew they would stop bitch-slapping me.

Jerry Orbach is really Johann Sebastian Bach

Star of stage, screen, and Law and Order screen, Jerry Orbach is the best actor over 90 on TV today.

Or is he? Look at his stage name and you see a clear message.

Jerry:
Je - the french personal pronoun (le pronom personnel) for "I"
Re - to repeat, like Groundhog Day, or the Bill Murray movie about Groundhog Day

Orbach:
Or - the Cockney accent for "whore"
Bach - JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH!

Or Simply - "I am the whore J.S. Bach who lives my life over and over like the movie about Groundhog day."

So Jerry Orbach is screaming to us that he is the reincarnated Germanic composer, who is doomed to star in police procedurals during a series of infinately concurrent afterlives.

Likely as punishment for fucking awful Brandenburg Concertos.

Dying is easy

I'm back after a slight ailment.

Turns out I was, in fact, dead for several weeks. I would type on my keyboard, chuckling at my oft-misunderstood wit. But my words of gold would fail to ascend the servers of our beloved Google.

What was wrong? Did my IP address have too many "bits" in it? Was my CPU spending all of its power forcing digitized humans to race light cycles?

Maybe it was that truck that hit me? I still have that headlight shard in my eye socket and that can't be good. Plus I can walk through walls... and last time I looked, my name was not Shadowcat!!! (See X-Men #139)

Yep, I was dead. So how did I come back? It's easy, and you can do it yourself through a simple five step process involving common household items.

1) Rub head with Epsom salts
2) Take a hot bath
3) Remove shard of glass from eye/brain
4) Trade your soul for the life of all the pets on your street (to the demon "Dogeater")
5) Buy a new wardrobe! You earned it.

So my keyboard works, and my CPU has returned Jeff Bridges to the human world. All is right again.

Or is it?

Yes. Turns out it is.

Forgiveness

I know the posting has dropped off substantially in May.

Two reasons.

1) I am an alcoholic.
2) Contrary to the advice of my friends and family, I have taken advantage of AA's "go back on booze" month of May.

The problem... here it is June, and I still like drinking that booze!

I question the logic of AA's program, but who am I to turn down the chance to "get active" in my alcoholism again.

Here's to my visions of spiders...

(Holding a mug of 99 cent vodka and $50 a shot cough syrup)

Your Pal,
Greeeeeeeeeeeeeg

The major event

Man returns from the bathroom to find his wife, Woman, has just ordered dinner.

Woman: Honey, do you know what you want?

Man: Yes. (To Waiter.) I'll have the whitefish and a Caesar salad.

Woman: Oh my god! That is what I ordered!

The couple laughs.

The waiter laughs even harder.

Man: White fish!

Woman: Same order!

Fifteen minutes pass. Laughing.

Still laughing.

Reporter: White fish! Same order! This is the story of the year. What a scoop! Get the satellite up.

A satellite hook up broadcasts the event worldwide.

A crowd gathers outside the restaurant.

Crowd: White fish! Same order!

Men from the future materialize from a wormhole, laughing.

Future man #1: This is the event.

Future man #2: White fish!

Future man #1: Same order!

Man: You are from Future?

Future man #1: Yes... look!

They look at the satellite screen.

George W. Bush (on screen): White fish!

Bin Laden (on screen): Same order!

They shake hands. Laughing.

Man: The world is saved.

Woman: Same order!

4 out of 5 dentists do not know they are dentists

A new study revealed that roughly 80% of all practicing dentists do not realize that they are dentists. Although they do good work and get high marks of satisfaction from their patients, they have no idea that the term "dentists" could apply to what they do.

As they go to work each day, they ask themselves: What am I doing? Why do I feel compelled each day to fix strangers' teeth? They seem to want to pay me money for this service. Is there a connection?

The other 20% of dentists, those who realize they actually are dentists, try to convince their colleagues to understand why they are being paid to work on teeth - or at least try to convince them to tell others they are dentists at cocktail parties - but to no avail.

This is why 20% of all dentists are very lonely, as the majority of other dentists will not admit to themselves they have chosen this life.

An open letter from Calvin

Dear world -

I have never pissed on the logo of any automobile brand, foreign or domestic. I contain my urine to toilets, exclusively.

That boy is an imposter.

That is all,
Calvin

Mad Magazine's parody of David Lynch's Inland Empire more linear than original

Mad Magazine's recent parody of David Lynch's Inland Empire, a baseball themed piece entitled Inland Umpire, had much more of a coherent plot than the subject of the parody.

In the piece, a woman who mildly looks like Laura Dern is a female umpire in a Pamona-based minor league baseball team. "When looking for love, she strikes out!" says the piece.

The piece also had guest appearances by Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks and Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. And it ended with a cameo from the director Lynch himself, holding a cup of coffee and a piece of cherry pie, and saying "Even I don't get it!!!!" to the reader.

It was clear that the author of the piece had not seen Inland Empire, nor a Lynch film from the past 15 years.

Coming up for Mad, a parody of Alfonso Cuarón's Children of Men, entitled Children of Mensch - in which all the Jewish people on the planet are no longer able to hold bar mitzvahs.

The Delay - slow speed donkey chase

The 6 fans of CvW have been writing in (long hand on parchment) expressing displeasure for limited updates of said vehicle.

The reason for delays is simple - I have been locked in a week-long, slow-speed chase with MegaDonkey, the donkey made of anti-matter.

The donkey is incredibly slow, so he is easy to outrun. But like a zombie, MegaDonkey never sleeps, never stops. So my week has been a series of running, sleeping, being awoken by an approaching "haaaawww" noise, and running again.

Why am I running? Donkey anti-matter is fatal, and can destroy the universe. You're welcome.

Anyway that lasted for a week, but ended last night when I decided just to give him my goddamn carrots.

Rock and Roll Lyrics are Disgusting!

When I was a kid, sure, the rock and roll lyrics were a little raunchy. Jimmy Hendricks told his Hot Momma she had "tire tracks on your back" which somehow seemed dirty, but in an automotively safe context.

Now I can't believe what you kids listen to. I had to hear for myself so I went down to the (pictured) local record store and bought a VHS tape.

That's right, you buy music on tape now! I only had vinyl LPs.

Well imagine my surprise that this VHS tape was just people having sex with each other. And very little music!

I had to make sure so I bought ten more tapes, and sure enough all of them had smutty sex. They give out Grammys for this?

Even the titles are without merit. I don't know what artistic goals are met with the title Ultimate Handjob #8. I also saw little carry-through of thematic elements when I went back and watched episodes 1-7.

The only saving grace is that record stores these days are open 24 hours and have hidden off-street entrances.

Glen and Gary

Not mine, but makes me warm inside.

Your children... now frowning!

All of your children are crazed joymongers, smiling eternally, pleased with life and all its potential.

But you are sad, since you will never know the joy of seeing your children sad.

Now you can join my service in which I take photos of your ever-smiling angels and "turn that smile upside down." My "Photoshop" technique will make all children look sad and morose. This boy here was laughing before I got a hold of him.

Now you are happy since you can imagine your children sad!

$400 dollars each, or free if you give me 3 squares and a cot.

Photo by Drawing of Light

Warning: Fried Milk Secret Revealed!

I was excited to try my grandmother's recipe for Fried Milk. Since it was a secret, I waited on her front stoop until she died before entering her house and riffling through her papers.

To my surprise, the recipe looks delicious...

1) Take 2% milk, let harden in sun.
2) Add dog urine.
3) Throw it in ungrateful grandson's face.
4) Show him attached picture and tell him it is Fried Milk, when it is clearly just decayed milk and dog urine.

I did the recipe like it said. When the recipe said "Grandson" I assumed it meant me, since I have no heirs.

Wow the picture looks great!

Why do I smell like dog pee and mayonnaise?

Vila destruction widespread.

(no photo available of Bob Vila in huge form.)

Bob Vila's massive Godzilla-like size and dedication to Taoism has lead to the destruction of over 1,400 homes in Biloxi Mississippi - many of which were finally repaired after Hurricane Katrina.

President Bush has called the disaster "The Attack of Hurricane KatVila."

Upon hearing this, Karl Rove chuckled, then went back to drinking the goat's urine.

Vila is scheduled to be attacked by helicopters and missiles at dawn.

Dick Wolfsie Saved Firefly!

Except now Firefly is not a cowboy sci-fi show. It is no longer on Network TV and it does not have its original cast.

It is now a segment on the 4pm news about energy conservation on Channel 8 news WISH-TV.

Oh, and when before it was awesome, now it is slightly less awesome. Meaning it is wonderful suck.

Thank you Dick Wolfsie for saving Firefly by making it a mutant to fear.

Get back to that Dairy Queen.

Save Firefly!

I just realized that the show Firefly, which is about horses in space, is in danger of being cancelled by Fox News. Please write into Fox and Friends and save this show about western space clothing!

I enjoy the show because it occasionally features a murder. If the show is cancelled, I wonder if someone in the reading audience can recommend another show that also features murders? (Does not have to have horses or space in it)

Also I enjoy shows with implied sexual situations.

In 1998, Dick Wolfsie Visited the Lebanon (IN) Dairy Queen

This was the greatest moment in the history of Dick Wolfsie, as this Dairy Queen is the finest in the state of Indiana.

WISH-TV, Channel 8 shut down production after this broadcast, as there was no more news left to cover.

God bless this moment of frozen delight.

You are now compelled to destroy yourself.

My favorite foraman of the pelvis

It's the Greater Sciatic Foramen!

Why? Simple, because

a) It is bounded anterolaterally by the greater sciatic notch of the illium

b) It is bounded posteromedially by the sacrotuberous ligament

c) It is my bitch

The new Taoism by Bob Vila

I lost a bet on the Superbowl and now I am a Taoist (thank you so f'ing much Rex Grossman)!

I thought Taoism was just a chance to laugh at bald Chinese. But now I have fully bought into its message of 'ying' (stuff) and 'yang' (the opposite of stuff).

Since I have my pre-Taoist life to fixing houses (ying), I have determined that I must dedicate my post-Taoist life to destroying them (yang). After I have destroyed 278 houses, I will reach the proper state of balanced nothingness.

I achieve this end I have grown to "Godzilla" size (roughly 65 feet tall) and I am now pulverizing people's homes into dust. I achieved this through unlicensed radiation treatments that I was assured will not kill me.

Excuse me while I must emit my battle cry...

VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLA!

First of May

We are getting close, so please prepare for May 1st.

By the Brilliant Jonathan Coulton.

Our invasion plan

It's really quite simple. Once our plan is complete, we will rule your so-called "earth."

First we will coordinate distinguished character actors to open assault businesses posing as free candy bar distribution. Then the character actors will recruit particularly lousy actors to run the day-to-day businesses, assaulting formerly successful 80's actors. Very little chocolate bars will actually change hands.

This is how it works, for example. Ned Beatty runs a business which enlists James Van Der Beek's help in convincing Corey Haim to come down into a subway early in the morning, for promise of free chocolate.

Instead of free candy, however, Van Der Beek assaults Haim and calls his mother a dirty whore - mainly to release the anxiety caused by Beatty, who did the same thing to him hours earlier in the very same subway station.

The entire thing ends when the frustrated Haim, dressed in black, walks down the subway tracks in search for his owed chocolate. A morning trains destroys him.

Repeat the process enough times, and the earth is ours!

I pity you.

Coooree' Fqhel-dah-man
(best alien translation possible after seeing The Lost Boys)

I run an underground assault business posing as free candy bar distribution.

Guest Post by Yaphet Kotto

Hello world.

I have an exciting opportunity that you will be interested in. I run a business that allows you to assault people early in the morning in any way you desire. All you must do is offer them free chocolate which you only need to provide roughly one out of every four times?

This is an especially promising career option if you are a lousy, albeit successful, actor.

What do I provide? Come to the subway station location that I will email you between 1:45am and 2:40am to find out.

I will not assault you!

Love,
Yaphet Kotto
Star of "Homicide: Life on the Street" aka H:LOTS

Free Chocolate Subscription Available

Hello -

My street name is Gerog, but you may know me as motion picture actor James Franco. I am offering you an exciting opportunity. A free chocolate bar every day for life AT NO COST TO YOU.

Why am I doing this? I have a love of giving you chocolate and in fact, yes, I have an excess of chocolate as well.

I will tell you exactly where and when to pick up your free chocolate bar each day THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO! Be assured the bar will be unopened and you will not be harmed.

If you think your mother is a filthy whore, than you will come down and enjoy my chocolate.

Love (deeply),
James Franco (aka Gerog)

I am cancelling my chocolate bar subscription

Sirs –

I am hereby cancelling my chocolate bar subscription effective immediately.

Originally, I must confess that I thought a program in which I received “free chocolate” every day was an dubious concept, but the promise of free delicious chocolate must have blinded me to this. I should have known that a man delivering me the free chocolate bar on a subway platform between 4:45 and 5:15am was an atypical supply chain.

In the past three months, your employee has verbally, physically, and sexually assaulted me during these morning hours. Furthermore, I have only received 8 chocolate bars in this time, and many of them have been partially eaten.

Per your request, I am delivering this cancellation note between the hours of 3:18 and 4:13am on the subway tracks between the two designated stations, dressed in black. I expect the 74 chocolate bars that I am owed will be present upon delivery of this note.

On a personal note, please tell Gerog that he is wrong about my mother.

Best,

Tiger Woods (FKA C. Thomas Howell)

Defective Minotaur for sale

Defective Minotaur for sale, in that he has a man-head, not a bull-head.

Delicious man-bottom is functional.

What I did

I stuffed a Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside a dinner roll
Inside a taco shell
Inside a Pop-tart
Inside my body
Inside a coffin!

Photo by NoiseCollusion