Rock and Roll Lyrics are Disgusting!

When I was a kid, sure, the rock and roll lyrics were a little raunchy. Jimmy Hendricks told his Hot Momma she had "tire tracks on your back" which somehow seemed dirty, but in an automotively safe context.

Now I can't believe what you kids listen to. I had to hear for myself so I went down to the (pictured) local record store and bought a VHS tape.

That's right, you buy music on tape now! I only had vinyl LPs.

Well imagine my surprise that this VHS tape was just people having sex with each other. And very little music!

I had to make sure so I bought ten more tapes, and sure enough all of them had smutty sex. They give out Grammys for this?

Even the titles are without merit. I don't know what artistic goals are met with the title Ultimate Handjob #8. I also saw little carry-through of thematic elements when I went back and watched episodes 1-7.

The only saving grace is that record stores these days are open 24 hours and have hidden off-street entrances.

Glen and Gary

Not mine, but makes me warm inside.

Your children... now frowning!

All of your children are crazed joymongers, smiling eternally, pleased with life and all its potential.

But you are sad, since you will never know the joy of seeing your children sad.

Now you can join my service in which I take photos of your ever-smiling angels and "turn that smile upside down." My "Photoshop" technique will make all children look sad and morose. This boy here was laughing before I got a hold of him.

Now you are happy since you can imagine your children sad!

$400 dollars each, or free if you give me 3 squares and a cot.

Photo by Drawing of Light

Warning: Fried Milk Secret Revealed!

I was excited to try my grandmother's recipe for Fried Milk. Since it was a secret, I waited on her front stoop until she died before entering her house and riffling through her papers.

To my surprise, the recipe looks delicious...

1) Take 2% milk, let harden in sun.
2) Add dog urine.
3) Throw it in ungrateful grandson's face.
4) Show him attached picture and tell him it is Fried Milk, when it is clearly just decayed milk and dog urine.

I did the recipe like it said. When the recipe said "Grandson" I assumed it meant me, since I have no heirs.

Wow the picture looks great!

Why do I smell like dog pee and mayonnaise?

Vila destruction widespread.

(no photo available of Bob Vila in huge form.)

Bob Vila's massive Godzilla-like size and dedication to Taoism has lead to the destruction of over 1,400 homes in Biloxi Mississippi - many of which were finally repaired after Hurricane Katrina.

President Bush has called the disaster "The Attack of Hurricane KatVila."

Upon hearing this, Karl Rove chuckled, then went back to drinking the goat's urine.

Vila is scheduled to be attacked by helicopters and missiles at dawn.

Dick Wolfsie Saved Firefly!

Except now Firefly is not a cowboy sci-fi show. It is no longer on Network TV and it does not have its original cast.

It is now a segment on the 4pm news about energy conservation on Channel 8 news WISH-TV.

Oh, and when before it was awesome, now it is slightly less awesome. Meaning it is wonderful suck.

Thank you Dick Wolfsie for saving Firefly by making it a mutant to fear.

Get back to that Dairy Queen.

Save Firefly!

I just realized that the show Firefly, which is about horses in space, is in danger of being cancelled by Fox News. Please write into Fox and Friends and save this show about western space clothing!

I enjoy the show because it occasionally features a murder. If the show is cancelled, I wonder if someone in the reading audience can recommend another show that also features murders? (Does not have to have horses or space in it)

Also I enjoy shows with implied sexual situations.

In 1998, Dick Wolfsie Visited the Lebanon (IN) Dairy Queen

This was the greatest moment in the history of Dick Wolfsie, as this Dairy Queen is the finest in the state of Indiana.

WISH-TV, Channel 8 shut down production after this broadcast, as there was no more news left to cover.

God bless this moment of frozen delight.

You are now compelled to destroy yourself.

My favorite foraman of the pelvis

It's the Greater Sciatic Foramen!

Why? Simple, because

a) It is bounded anterolaterally by the greater sciatic notch of the illium

b) It is bounded posteromedially by the sacrotuberous ligament

c) It is my bitch

The new Taoism by Bob Vila

I lost a bet on the Superbowl and now I am a Taoist (thank you so f'ing much Rex Grossman)!

I thought Taoism was just a chance to laugh at bald Chinese. But now I have fully bought into its message of 'ying' (stuff) and 'yang' (the opposite of stuff).

Since I have my pre-Taoist life to fixing houses (ying), I have determined that I must dedicate my post-Taoist life to destroying them (yang). After I have destroyed 278 houses, I will reach the proper state of balanced nothingness.

I achieve this end I have grown to "Godzilla" size (roughly 65 feet tall) and I am now pulverizing people's homes into dust. I achieved this through unlicensed radiation treatments that I was assured will not kill me.

Excuse me while I must emit my battle cry...

VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLA!

First of May

We are getting close, so please prepare for May 1st.

By the Brilliant Jonathan Coulton.

Our invasion plan

It's really quite simple. Once our plan is complete, we will rule your so-called "earth."

First we will coordinate distinguished character actors to open assault businesses posing as free candy bar distribution. Then the character actors will recruit particularly lousy actors to run the day-to-day businesses, assaulting formerly successful 80's actors. Very little chocolate bars will actually change hands.

This is how it works, for example. Ned Beatty runs a business which enlists James Van Der Beek's help in convincing Corey Haim to come down into a subway early in the morning, for promise of free chocolate.

Instead of free candy, however, Van Der Beek assaults Haim and calls his mother a dirty whore - mainly to release the anxiety caused by Beatty, who did the same thing to him hours earlier in the very same subway station.

The entire thing ends when the frustrated Haim, dressed in black, walks down the subway tracks in search for his owed chocolate. A morning trains destroys him.

Repeat the process enough times, and the earth is ours!

I pity you.

Coooree' Fqhel-dah-man
(best alien translation possible after seeing The Lost Boys)

I run an underground assault business posing as free candy bar distribution.

Guest Post by Yaphet Kotto

Hello world.

I have an exciting opportunity that you will be interested in. I run a business that allows you to assault people early in the morning in any way you desire. All you must do is offer them free chocolate which you only need to provide roughly one out of every four times?

This is an especially promising career option if you are a lousy, albeit successful, actor.

What do I provide? Come to the subway station location that I will email you between 1:45am and 2:40am to find out.

I will not assault you!

Love,
Yaphet Kotto
Star of "Homicide: Life on the Street" aka H:LOTS

Free Chocolate Subscription Available

Hello -

My street name is Gerog, but you may know me as motion picture actor James Franco. I am offering you an exciting opportunity. A free chocolate bar every day for life AT NO COST TO YOU.

Why am I doing this? I have a love of giving you chocolate and in fact, yes, I have an excess of chocolate as well.

I will tell you exactly where and when to pick up your free chocolate bar each day THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO! Be assured the bar will be unopened and you will not be harmed.

If you think your mother is a filthy whore, than you will come down and enjoy my chocolate.

Love (deeply),
James Franco (aka Gerog)

I am cancelling my chocolate bar subscription

Sirs –

I am hereby cancelling my chocolate bar subscription effective immediately.

Originally, I must confess that I thought a program in which I received “free chocolate” every day was an dubious concept, but the promise of free delicious chocolate must have blinded me to this. I should have known that a man delivering me the free chocolate bar on a subway platform between 4:45 and 5:15am was an atypical supply chain.

In the past three months, your employee has verbally, physically, and sexually assaulted me during these morning hours. Furthermore, I have only received 8 chocolate bars in this time, and many of them have been partially eaten.

Per your request, I am delivering this cancellation note between the hours of 3:18 and 4:13am on the subway tracks between the two designated stations, dressed in black. I expect the 74 chocolate bars that I am owed will be present upon delivery of this note.

On a personal note, please tell Gerog that he is wrong about my mother.

Best,

Tiger Woods (FKA C. Thomas Howell)

Defective Minotaur for sale

Defective Minotaur for sale, in that he has a man-head, not a bull-head.

Delicious man-bottom is functional.

What I did

I stuffed a Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside a dinner roll
Inside a taco shell
Inside a Pop-tart
Inside my body
Inside a coffin!

Photo by NoiseCollusion

My conversation about Neitzche with my 19 month old son.

Me: Hey, buddy, don't put that ball in your diaper. Is that your way to express your radical perspectivism?

Son: Diggle, Eeeeeeeee.

Me: Don't pull the master and slave morality card. I'm the daddy here.

Son: Waaaa, Whaddle, Weeeee. Diggle, diggle.

Me: You are right. The eternal return of the overman is upon us.

Son: Mooooooore cheeeeeese!

Me: You want more cheese, boy? Here you go.

Acceptable.tv

Is kind of great in a low-fi way. We have nothing to do with the show, we just like it.

Forgive the non-irony.