What the buttons mean in the new Speed Racer movie

The Wachowski Brothers are making a Speed Racer film for next year and it was just announced that the buttons do on the new Mach 5.

Button A: Jump!
Button B: Find Transvestite Bar!
Button C: Put on Trannie clothes!
Button D: Don't judge me!
Button E: High Beams (car)
Button F: High Beams (fake breasts on Trannie)
Button G: Kicks Monkey and Retarded Kid from Trunk, replaces with Trannie.

This is encouraging, as I love to watch men in women's clothes remove monkeys from small places.

Day Care for your tools!

Since we are working 105 hours a week, no one is looking after our inanimate objects. This is fine for furniture as they hate humans. But your tools are very sad, as you have left them in the lawn and they are now rusting.

Fine English Bitties are available for mere pence to take care of your tools. These Bitties were removed from service as they used to strike children with tools. So why not have them look after your tools instead?

Once you turn your tools over to them, however, never try to retrieve them from the Bitties. If you do, they will strike you with your own tools. You will also be hit if you stop paying them. You are therefore committed to paying them $4 a week, and you will never see your tools again.

THIS IS A LESSON TO YOU!

Nintendo Announces New Title: Cool Mist Provider DS

Of the success of such Nintendo DS games as Animal Crossing (gardening and fishing game) and Nintendogs (dog petting and scratching game), Nintendo has announced a new title in the line of banal tasks for its handheld system.

Cool Mist Provider DS places you as a man who owns a cool mist vaporizer with an extra long power cord. You run the vaporizer up to very dry men, and provide them with cooling mist. The men thank you and give you coins, which you can then use to purchase stickers to decorate your vaporizer.

Challanges in the game involve detangling the cord, cleaning the filter, and of course... filling the tank with water.

The title will be released in April, followed in July with Manual Freezer Defroster DS.

The Final Five???

Egg is on the face of NCAA basketball tournament organizer Greg Shaheen, as a severe bracket error has allowed five teams, rather than the customary four, to survive to the tournament's final weekend.

"I forgot to count up all those lines," said Shaheen, pictured here apologizing on CBS radio. "In fairness, around 10 million people participate in office pools, so you would have thought that someone else would have caught it before now."

The final five teams are UCLA, Ohio State, Florida, Georgetown, and Ohio State a second time.

"Since Ohio State qualified twice, it is not fair to simply eliminate one of their slots," said Shaheen.

In a sense of fairness, all five teams will play in a "cutthroat" format, in which all teams play on a single court at the same time, scoring on either basket at will. Ohio State, having qualified twice, will be allowed to field 10 players for this game.

The team with the lowest score after 5 hours will be eliminated. The Final Four will start 10 minutes thereafter, right after Dick Vitale is roasted and eaten.

Barry Pepper signs with New York Giants

Coach Tom Coughlin announced today the signing of acclaimed actor Barry Pepper to the New York Giants' 2007-08 roster.

Pepper has been cast in the role of the world-weary veteran quarterback, brought in to "train and tame" young hotshot Eli Manning. When Manning gets injured right before the 2008 playoffs, Pepper has a chance to step in for one last moment of glory.

Still to be cast are the roles of the comic relief foreign-national place kicker and Coughlin's smoking hot girlfriend on the side.

This is Pepper's third sports role, the other two being his portrayal of Roger Maris in HBO's 61*, and his role as a Professional Rollerball Star in John Travolta's Battlefield Earth.

Those 300 guys sure like Spritzers!

Man, those bare chested 300 hunks love their "Sparta."

But since no one loves "Sparta" and actually it makes people ill to scream the word, the actors of this film replaced their battle cry with the phrase "Spritzer!"

All manly actors love white wine spritzers, and would gladly die in battle for the light, fruity combination of cheap wine and Sprite.

Here is a scene from the film...

Wine Steward: This is madness!

Bare Chested King Leonidas: THIS IS SPRITZER!

(King Leonidas kicks Wine Steward into pit of bubbly soda and wine.)

The Drive Thru Menu at Peter O'Toole's

The new drive thru restaurant named "Peter O'Tooles" announced their extra value menu today.

Combo #1 - 3 Vodka martinis, 2 highballs, bourbon chaser
Combo #2 - 2 Vodka martinis, 2 Gin martinis, 1 highball, rye whisky chaser
Combo #3 - various liquors, many of which are lit on fire
Health-Conscious Combo - 9 wine spritzers

Upsize by adding 2 gin and tonics for just $3 more.

Food menu TBA (probably never).

Come to O'Tooles. Remember their slogan. Peter stands with his junk sticking out of his pants and says "I must run water through this, ma'am."

Puzzle Time!

Guest Post by New York Times Puzzle Editor Will Shortz

I get many requests from 8 year olds like this one.

"You are dead to me. Even if you made me a fun word puzzle, I would never love you, father!"

Well, Timmy, your wish is my command. Here is a word puzzle. Try to find the one word that is the secret message of all the clues.

Five Letter Word
"Uncommonly Good," said the Keebler Elf
Causes relief from death rattles
Knots up your stomach

Yesterdays' most popular Pop Hit
Over the Rainbow is not Dorothy's only tune
Umpires also "strike out"

Tonight Show Host, Steve Allen
"Ice" is slang for what drug?
Moose, not Bullwinkle
Manatee, not SeaCow
You are a dick, Timmy!

What is the secret message, Timmy, you are so f*cking smart?

The Different Flavors of Videodrome

Wayne Cheeze pointed out that there are many flavors of Videodrome these days, since this is the era of Web 2.0 and all.

We all know the "Classic" version of Videodrome, still available on most of your cable providers, which features James Woods giving Debby Harry cigarette burns. Watch it enough and you see a fleshy VHS cassette slot grow in your chest. (Yes, I know! VHS! What's the matter Videodrome? Can't scrape up the bucks to upgrade to fleshy DVD or god forbid fleshy Blu-Ray!)

Did you know that Videodrome comes in other flavors?


Cherry Videodrome: Debby Harry's hair is dyed red. Your nose starts to smell cherry stuff until it falls off.

Grape Videodrome: See Videodrome, Cherry. Notable exception, James Woods' hair is purple and you smell grape instead of cherry.

David Allan Greer Videodrome: The excitable actor is burned with cigarettes by Damon Wayans. Marlon and Keenan are freaked out and will not participate.

Mustached Blonde Man Videodrome: You think he is some kind of hillbilly, and he often is. Do not watch this Videodrome, 'cause there is some sick crap coming up.

David Lynch Videodrome: All is quite normal and kind.

Videodrome is Burning: Jim Rome takes calls from Raider Fans all while he is nude, chained, and beaten. For once, you do not find him insufferable.

For old times sake, I'll now reach into the VCR slot in my chest… Hey, that's where my copy of Running Scared went!

LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH, BOYEEEE!

My 4 favorite lies

Guest Post by Milton Supman

4) That is not soup.

3) That soup does not belong to you.

2) Yes, it is soup that belongs to you, but it is poison.

1) Now that you ate poisoned stolen non-soup, you will live forever.

Turns out, none of them are lies after all! I am 340 years old and still love my soup!

What is in a $100,000,000 pizza?

• Tomatoes
  


• Cheese
  


• Meat from Seabiscuit
  


• Mushrooms (Portabello)
  


• Land rights to large portions of France
  


• Green Peppers
  


• Lost Beatles recordings (2 songs)
  


• Sausage
  


• A cure for cancer (only good for small animals)
  


• Everything in this picture
  
  

Notes from the Bracketologist!

I've got a great idea! With the NCAA tourney coming up, why not try to predict the "brackets" ahead of time. Maybe you can compare your predictions with others in your office for a slight wager?

If you do this, I have firm suggestions that will force you a win.

1) Even though he is cute and hilarious, bet against the team that has "Air Bud" as a player. Dogs are genetically bad at basketball.

2) Many teams from the south are deliberately starved of food prior to their first weekend's game as a motivation technique. Pick these teams to win in the first round, since they are working on pure adrenaline and fury. But pick them to lose in the second game, since that is the point when their bodies will begin to eat themselves.

3) The Jamacian Bobsled Basketball team is 0-29 in the tourney all time. So they are due to win. Bet them all the way to the Sweet 16.

4) Every Final Four in the past 15 years had featured either Duke, or a team that is a fan of "The Duke of New York" (aka Issac Hayes). Since Duke is awful this year, throw a screening of Escape from New York and see what team shows up. Advance that team to the Championship Round.

5) When in doubt, always bet on the team with the most corrupt booster program.

Top 4 Wizard Fights of All Time

4) Sarlock the Master of Desserts vs. Dragoon the PieHorder. Weapon: Magic Pies

3) Thomas of the Cat Familiars vs. Jerry, Lord of the Church Mice. Weapons: Cheese, traps, dynamite, dogs on very long leashes.

2) Moo-lao the Optician vs. Yuron the Opthomologist. Weapon: Custom Fitted Lenses (possibly Magic?)

1) Gandalf vs. Saraman in Fellowship of the Ring. Did you see that movie!!! Totally kick ass wizard fight. Weapon: Some kind of Magic.

Oprah Fight!

The sorority that I pledged as a Freshman this year does not have pillow fights, they have Oprah Flights!

Everyone takes an Oprah by the feet and begins to swing it wildly.

If you have a medium-fat Oprah, you can get swinging quickly!

If you have a super-fat Oprah, you start slowly and weakly, but gain super momentum late!

If we have too many fighters and not enough Oprahs, someone may fight with a Gail or a Rachel Ray. No one ever uses the Dr. Phil.

These are not blow-ups, or paper cut outs, by the way. They are real human Oprahs.

When they smack you they leave suuuuuch a mark.

Thanks for your time.

Gerry Hamberg

P.S. Yes I am a man in his late 50s. My sorority is progressive and mind your own business and it is not fictitious.

My favorite frog of all time: Frogworth Hopingston

By Betty Lipnikki

Hello world! I love life!

I am also in deep love with my favorite frog of all time. His name is Frogworth Hopingston and he is a PhD – Pretty Happy Dearheart!

Here is why we cannot be beaten.

1) Hops higher and farther than any frog ever

2) Can actually carry additional frogs inside his belly

3) Not slimy, actually cozy to hug

4) He is actually a kangaroo

5) He is nothing like one of those f*cking disgusting frogs!

God bless you Frogworth. Please crush all other frogs slowly with your freakishly large kangaroo feet.

A self review of my performance to date

Cleanliness (out of 10): 3

Good Intentions (out of 10): 6

Structural Integrity (out of 10): vs. hurricanes, 10; vs. earthquake, 5; vs. children’s tears, 1

Weakest Body Parts: stomach (punch), eyes (poke), ears (can be “boxed”)

Malice: Light (towards shrimp), Heavy (towards all things not shrimp)

Use of vowels: AAAAAAAA-OOOOOOOOK

Personal reference: Was wife, now no reference

Locker Combination (gym): twice right to 30, once left to 12, right to 3

Nuclear Suitcase Password (gym): “ohno” (all one word)

Vertical Leap: (without kangaroo) 4”; (with kangaroo, in pouch) 34”

Clown or Wolf: I’d like to say Wolf, but I know better

James Franco is in your house!

Get out of your house now! James Franco is in the basement. He is crawling upstairs slowly!

My god, why are you still there? Are your affairs in order? Because James Franco is ever closer, and he may touch you soon.

When he arrives, what will happen? He will give you a pout so hard that your intestines will spill out of your belly. HE IS MOPEY AND CRAWLING UP THE STAIRS RIGHT NOW!

Lock the basement door! Better yet, throw Ryan Phillipe down there with him. Both will mope each other in permanent gridlock. In several days they will die from dehydration. At this point you can send your White House body guards downstairs to clean up.

White house body guards???

Yes, did I mention that YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES????

An actual real life OnStar conversation

Man: Can you let me know where my car is located?

OnStar: Sir, my computer shows me that you are calling me using the OnStar service.

Man: That's right.

OnStar: Meaning, you are in your car right now.

Man: (crying) Tell me where I am!

OnStar: It looks like the Costco parking lot in Canyon Country.

Man: What is this (slowly) COOOST-COOOO?

OnStar: It is a warehouse club store.

Man: Can you unlock my door? I am really scared!

OnStar: You are inside your car, sir. You can unlock them yourself.

Man: (Crying) I don't want to die in here!

Sound of car door unlocking.

Man: Now I am free. Thank you OnStar!

OnStar: You're welcome.

Man: Call the police! I've been in an accident!

OnStar: Your car has not moved for hours, according to the GPS.

Man: It happened weeks ago.

OnStar: Sir I don't think--

Man: (crying) I am losing blood!

Sound of typing.

OnStar: Police have been called. I'll stay on the phone with you until they arrive.

Man: Great. (pause) So... Can you tell me if Costco still has their very large chicken pies?

Sound of typing.

OnStar: No, sir, they are out.

Man: Lock my doors, please.

Sound of car door locking. Sirens approaching.

OnStar: Sir, my records tell me you are in fact, Harvey Keitel. Is this true?

Nothing.

OnStar: (yelling) SIR, IS THIS TRUE?

Silence. Sirens. Sound of a gun being cocked.

End of call.

Photo by bovine magnet

Flash Mob for Chicken... Great!

The new flash mob is seconds from forming. Set your watches. The time = 2:35pm. The city = Augusta, Maine.

We meet at Popeye's Chicken, and we buy all the chicken they have.

Then we take all the chicken across the street to KFC.

KFC gets angry at our mob, and in the confusion they mix the chicken together.

Then, over the next week, when people are ordered by their government to buy KFC, they get Popeye's some of the time.

This angers some (those that prefer KFC). Those who prefer Popeye's are happier, but confused.

People who go to Popeye's are sad since all the chicken is gone.

God, I had a good reason to do this, but for the life of me I can't remember it now.

Ah well... too late now.

Photo by jetalone

Salt Mice

There is a great new technology that will revoultionize how you deal with steak and tomatoes.

Why pour unwieldy salt on your meat and fruit? You are forced this way to spread that salt yourself, and you are very clumsy... mounds of salt will cluster on the left side of your meat and fruit, while the right side will be bland and salt-free.

The solution is clear. Turn real mice into living salt mice. These live salt mice will live in a small cage on your restraunt table, consuming coffee sugar packets for food.

When your steak and fruit arrive from the angry waitress, you let the mouse loose. He/she will run over your steak and fruit, coating it EVENLY with delicious salt. No more will your inadequacies in salt distribution ruin your meal.

How will we accomplish the creation of salt mice? That is the easiest part. Simply make them turn back and look at Sodom and Gammorah.

Ha ha, stupid mouse! Now that you looked back at the cities of sin, you are doomed to serve us at Claim Jumper forever!

Photo by Dano