Clown vs. Wolf

My New Best Friend Podcast - 2nd ep up, and now on iTunes!

2009-11-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

Here is the link again, but know that iTunes is up and running. Subscribe to the show there!

Ep 2 brings us Ike Barinholtz, a nice man who is either best known for Mad-TV or soulful Mix Tapes.

http://battlefight.libsyn.com/

And here is an iTunes link...

My New Best Friend

2009-11-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

Is not John Ducey.

Join Ducey is in his quest to find a new best friend.

I help him each week, but do not step up to the role myself. That would be unnatural.

Coming soon to iTunes, but you can download it now here.

http://battlefight.libsyn.com/

All the websites are different if you type in eee instead of www

2009-08-27T21:32:00.001-07:00

It's true.

eee.google.com is a site where ducks discuss current affairs.

eee.netflix.com is a web site where former wedding planners blog about what is wrong with wedding planning (hint: it's all the planning).

eee.jamesandthegiantpeach.com is a web site that claims we live in a universe where JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH was never made! Though it clearly was, I saw it with my daughter on VHS tape.

eee.ebay.com is an auction website in which you can bid on pirated Hulk Hogan items. In addition to many other products. It's very similar to the www version, just with a mild emphasis on Hulk Hogan

eee.hulkhogan.com is a site with a link that directs you to www.hulkhogan.com. It also features a picture of the wrestler "Goldberg."

There are countless others. Actually only one other.

WHAT KIND OF DIMENSION WILL YOU DISCOVER WHEN YOU... MISTYPE A WEBSITE!

Guest Blogger,
Sam Elliot

Goodbye Dog is Official

2008-06-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

The entire purpose of this blog has been fulfilled, because Goodbye Dog is a reality.

Thanks so much for the perfect prototype from Steve Hantz as brokered by Evan Finch.

It worked perfectly. I said Goodbye to Dog and he cried and left. I feel great. I want another.

Original Post below... Spring Break!

________

Hello Kitty is yesterday's news. There's no money in it.

You say Hello to Kitty, and then Kitty stays there. There is no need to buy more Kitty, since you said Hello and why would Kitty leave?

I have invented a new success - Goodbye Dog!

There is much money in this for me, yes. When you say Goodbye to Dog, the Dog is sad and leaves. You get the joy of making Dog sad, and then you have no more Dog. To get the joy of sad Dog, you have to buy another Goodbye Dog for you to say Goodbye to it.

The cycle repeats endlessly.

$$$!

Here is more trivia for you.

Where does Goodbye Dog go when you say Goodbye? To Rusty's tavern in Tampa, FLA. 2 for 1 Hurricanes!

Spring Break!

Dude, why didn't you wake me up?

2008-03-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

The power went out 3 months ago due to the Jack Frost Storm of great December. My alarm clock has been flashing 12:00 ever since.

Dude, I only woke up because a stray cat made it into my house, attracted to my long beard (now a home for birds). The feral cat killed 2 birds and tore open my right nostril.

I've been asleep so long, I've forgotten all my power chords.

Did I miss the Lovin' Spoonful concert?

I did?

Why... Why... Why didn't you wake me up?

I will drown my sorrows with my only comfort. I now can check the paper on the progress of my favorite candidate for president, Bill Richardson.

NOOOOO!

Gravity, the Silent Killer?

2007-12-09T11:42:00.001-08:00

ALL OF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH GRAVITY IS KILLING US.!!!... BONES ARE SHIFTING AND THAT IS NOT WHAT WAS INTENDED. AN ASTRONAUT IN SPACE LIVED TO BE 120 AND THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT WHAT ****YOU**** TO KNOW???

A MAN ONCE FELL FROM A BUILDING MANY FLOORS AND THIS DID NOT KILL HIM, BUT HIS BONES COULD NOT HEAL UPWARDS BECAUSE GRAVITY WAS MOVING THEM DOWN. NOW HE IS 5'11" AND CANNOT WALK. CONSPIRACY???

TELL THE GOVENMENT TO TURN GRAVITY OFF AFTER YOU PUT A ROPE AROUND YOUR HOUSE TIED TO A TREE OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VOTE GRAVEL.

Love,

RUTGER HAUER Jr.

Excerpt of Recent Episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

2007-11-15T14:24:00.000-08:00

Is anyone over there at Playhouse Disney paying attention. I think some college kids are goofing on the scripts (pun intended).

Here is an excerpt...

________________

Mickey: Let's find Minnie. She's hiding behind one of three bushes. Which bush is she hiding behind? (Pause for kid to yell at home). Bush #1? Let's check!

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1).

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Sam Jackson.

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush.)

Mickey: Huh. Sam Jackson... Now what bush should we look at? (Pause for kid to yell.) Bush #1 again? Really? OK.

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1 again.)

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Sam Jackson. Just like before.

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush again.)

Mickey: Now what bush should we look at? (Pause for kid to yell.) Bush #1 again? You've picked it twice all ready. (Pause.) OK, OK, all right!

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #1).

Mickey: It's not Minnie. It's Samuel L. Jackson.

Jackson: You remembered the "L"!

(Jackson winks then drops behind bush again.)

Mickey: Now what bush should we look at? Remember, we picked bush #1 three times now. (Pause for kid to yell.) I'm just going to pick bush #2 anyway.

(Guy Richie comes from behind bush #2).

Guy Richie: I'm married to a pop singer lady.

Mickey: What is happening here?

(Richie winks then drops behind bush.)

Mickey: We are looking for Minnie. I'm not sure why these people are here. I'm going to look behind bush #3, the last bush. (Wait for kids to yell at the TV.) No, not bush #1 again! Bush #3.

(Samuel L. Jackson comes from behind bush #3).

Mickey: It's Sam Jackson again! Jackson, what are you doing?

Jackson: I moved to this bush!

Mickey: Where is Minnie? Minnie? Minnie?

(Minnie walks up, eating a sandwich.)

Minnie: What's going on here?

The New State Names

2007-11-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

With the election coming up, it's time to change all the names of the states that are currently awful.

New Jersey discovered that they are not that much newer than the original Jersey. Therefore New Jersey changes its name to Different Jersey.

North Dakota changes its name to South Canada, cause we in the US don't want it anymore.

West Virginia changes its name to Scary Virginia. Have you seen those people? Horrible.

Nevada changes its name to Aggressive Prostitute State with Gambling and Meth.

Arizona changes its name to Used To Live Elsewhere And Now Are Dying State.

And Guam changes its name to Now We Are A State Yeah!, although they are still not a state and this is just wishful thinking.

Why won't your state change its name? Is it stuck up?

Opening Remarks at 2007 Loggers Conference Rural Colorado

2007-11-02T04:01:00.000-07:00

Listen, settle down!

What you just saw was not Bigfoot. a) Bigfoot doesn't exist, and b) he certainly is taller than that.

Jerry, what do you think you can do with that golf club? You can hurt it with that. He'll tear your arms off.

I mean, there is no Bigfoot outside at all. It's the wind, or a wolf, or a hairy man most likely.

Ron, board that window up, will you?

Anyway, here is the agenda for today. At 10, we will hear from the Skil company to discuss their latest line of chainsaws. At 11, we will hear a speach called "The Beaver: Friend not Foe." At 12, Lunch will be--

OH GOD! RUN! RUN!!!!

It's Time Again to Play... Kiss or Fight! (Article from Tiger Fight Magazine)

2007-10-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

You know the rules...

1) The postman

A: FIGHT!

2) Defenseless Puppy

A: FIGHT!

3) A wolverine with jaws and claws bound in leather

A: KISS!

4) Paris Hilton in girlie underwear

A: FIGHT!

5) Prostitute whom you have all ready paid.

A: KISS!

6) John Ashcroft

A: FIGHT!

7) Now Ashcroft is unconscious

A: FIGHT!

8) You pummel his unconscious body, severly damaging it

A: FIGHT!

9) Now he is an unrecognizable pulp

A: KISS!

10) Your pals at Tiger Fight Magazine

A: KISS

I used Blue's Clues to Stop the Terrorists

2007-10-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Blue had his paw prints on a dynamite belt, a downtown mall, and a manifesto entitled "Death to Bruce Willis."

I sat in my thinking chair and thinked, thinked, thinked.

Then I realized that the dynamite belt... could be used by Bruce Campbell to blow up... the manifesto about shopping malls - no wait. That's wrong.

What if the dynamite... was used to blow up a mall... where Bruce Campbell... was doing a celebrity appearance?

I went the mall where Bruce Campbell was speaking and success! The Terrorists did not blow up the star of "Evil Dead 2" and "Brisco Country Jr."

While I was there I heard that the Mall of America was hit during a "Return of Bruno" reunion concert, but you can't be everywhere at once!

Yours,
Steve or Joe
(I can't remember which one I am)

The Kindergarten Treasure Chest

2007-10-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

Every child gets rated on a stoplight every day in Kindergarten. Green for good. Yellow for caution. Red for bad.

If you stay on green all day you get a plastic gold coin. You can get one coin every day you are good. If you collect 10 coins, you get to go to the treasure chest.

What's in the treasure chest? Human fingers.

Wanna guess what happens to you when you are on red?

You have to bite off a finger of a hobo's corpse and put it in the treasure chest.

Did you think the fingers in the box were from the children? That's gross and you're sick. There are no children's severed fingers in the box.

Unless it's from a hobo child, of course.

What a fire ant thinks before a bite

2007-09-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

Fire

Fire

Fire

Move

Feel

Bite?

No Bite?

Move

Fire

Fire

Feel

Bite?

Meat!

Oh, crap my thorax! I think I pulled a muscle in my thorax! Who's got an Advil? Jesus. Where the hell's the queen? Call Betty. Please... Where was I... Oh right...

Meat?

Bite!

Can You Grade My Fantasy Football Team?

2007-09-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

Running Back - Tiki Barber

Quarterback - Michael Vick

Wide Receiver - "No Catch" Greesehands (his real name)

#2 Receiver - "Bummy" McFumble (his real name)

Kicker - Kathy Ireland from Necessary Roughness

#2 Kicker - Catherine Zeta Jones from T-Mobile Ad

Defence - Hufflepuff (Slytherin went right before me, damn!)

Tight End - Edward James Olmos (we get 0.5 point for every pockmark on his face)

Sounds bad, but I'm the favorite in my league since no one will play with me and therefore I WIN!

Zagat's guide to Methamphetamine

2007-08-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

Addicts love the "intense focus" of the drug, especially as it gives you a "big buzz," adding that it's "highly addictive." Although some were less impressed by the side effects of "night terrors" and "habitual loss of teeth." All this said, locals love the drug you can "make at home" given it doesn't "explode and kill you."

Swords will cut you WIDE OPEN!

2007-08-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

Maybe the best thing Channel 101 has ever done. www.channel101.com

People who are beating John McCain in the polls right now

2007-08-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

According to the latest AP poll of likely Republican voters...

Fred Thompson (unannounced)

Micheal Bloomberg (unannounced, no party)

Al Gore (unannounced, other party)

James Marsters (actor portraying Cyclops from the X-Men movies)

John Daley (recovering alcoholic golfer)

Jimmy the Greek (former CBS odds maker, likely racist)

Geico Cavemen (fictional cavemen)

Shoe Salesman, unnamed (generic retail occupation)

Lamp (inanimate appliance, also generic)

John McCain, 2000 version (past self, not eligible to run)

The only people not beating in this poll are McCain are Dick Chaney (undead) and George W. Bush (not eligible for 3rd term, also horrible horrible fucking president, really bad).

The best scene from The Bourne Ultimatum

2007-08-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

INT: AFL-CIO HEADQUARTERS – DAY

BOURNE sits across from AFL-CIO President, John Sweeney

BOURNE: You’ve seen my Identity, and you know my Supremacy...

BOURNE slides an envelope across the table.

BOURNE: The terms are non-negotiable.

CUT TO:
CLOSE UP – THE ENVELOPE

Sweeney's hands open it. It reads. “No health benefits.”

SWEENEY (VO): (gulp)!

Harry Potter's success 100% due to Scientology

2007-08-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

That's right, Hogwartophiles, the only reason your beloved book series sells at all is that all Level 12 and below Scientologists are required to buy 100 copies to give out for free on Hollywood Blvd.

It is no coincidence that Dianetics finally fell off of the New York Times best seller charts right when Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone debuted. It's all a part of the plan, people!

PROOF!

J K. Rowling is an anagram for Growl Jink (a jink is one of those aliens that live inside you and make you fail personality tests.)

Hedwig the Owl is the same color as L. Ron Hubbard's bleached white skin (post yacht death).

The actor who portrays Ron Weasley will turn to Scientology as soon as he realizes there are no parts for him once the Potter movies end.

And the final nail in the coffin!

Read the book The Secret. The 'Real Secret,' turns out, if you read the third letter of every paragraph, is that Harry Potter based on the real life wizard lover of Tom Cruise! Or maybe Travolta! (I admit I have not read the book.)

Without your precious Scientologists, your precious Harry Potter will have been read only as much as the Goosebumps series (which still is pretty good at the end of the day. Well done.)

Sharks represent 40% of the "People" on Facebook

2007-08-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

Young ladies, be warned! Your precious Facebook was just an elaborate ruse by Tiger and Great White Sharks to lure you into a social networking sense of security.

When "Judd from Laguna" asks you to meet him "in the ocean," your answer must be no! Judd is actually a shark with rubber tipped fins, Internet access, and saint-like patience with a keyboard.

Once you are in the ocean, the shark will first confirm your identity (you will be wearing a rose on your bikini top). Then he will eat you.

Why did you abandon My Space, oh youths of 2007? The worst predator on that site was the Morey Eel, easily defeated with a sharp kick to the face.

Clown Vs. Wolf Battle Summaries

2007-08-05T19:21:00.000-07:00

Rounds 41 to 45

41: Mexican Wrestling Radiation Clown vs. Tired Brittle Bone Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by urinating on wrestling mask, causing radiation chain reaction.

42: Jason Bourne Clown vs. Abe Vigoda Wolf. Result: Wolf wins by exposing Bourne to memories that he was never loved, dry old man Wolf wit used to maximum effectiveness.

43: Robot Sonic Boom Clown vs. New Born Wolf Puppies. Result: Wolf wins by being too small to be effected by sonic boom. Boom then reflected off urine-resistant sheets, destroys robot Clown.

44: Friday the 13th Jason Vorhees Clown vs. Jamie Lee Curtis Wolf. Result: Wolf uses Freaky Friday powers to change bodies with Clown, sticks large knife in neck, switches back. Linsey Lohan looks on with approval.

45: Me Clown vs. You Wolf. Result: You win, as always.

Steven Baldwin's new show

2007-07-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

Steven Baldwin's new show is called "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club" and the premise is simple...

Steven invites young women to his Yacht and they enjoy a few drinks.

That's it. Pretty innocent, really. Nothing else happens.

What? "Rape Club?" Sure it sounds bad, but it can't be further from the truth.

So why did Steven Baldwin choose to call his show "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club?"

Um...

To warn women against the dangers of going to his yacht! Yeah, that's-- no! Why would he have to warn anyone? It's all prefectly sweet.

In fact, just so the girls don't drink and drive, he gets Daniel to drive them home.

Oh... I get it now.

The Top Five Movies of 2007

2007-07-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

Although 2007 is just half done, this list will not be revised at year's end.

5) Rescue Dawn, Ratatouille, Zodiac, Once, 300, the Namesake, Grindhouse, and Waitress (tie)

4) Le Shgr - Dutch/Polish film so obscure that it does not exist

3) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - a page turner!

2) Goodfellas (1990) - surprised more critics didn't catch this one

1) Voices in my head - not the film, the actual voices, never stopping

Nicknames for ole Pops

2007-07-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

My Ole Pops has many nicknames.

His real name is James S. Pork

So his buddies called him "Spicy Pork"

Which then turned into "Carnitas"

Which they shortened to "Car"

So then they called him "Automobile"

Which became "Model-T (the original Automobile)" then "Mr. T"

"Mr. T" morphed into "B.A." (T's A-Team nome de plume)

"B.A." turned into "Burnt Almonds" which then turned to "Arsenic"

"Arsenic" lasted for a day before they called him "Old Lace"

When they called him "Old Lace," James S. Pork snapped and ate his friends. Uncooked.

He is in prison now, and I never visit.

Above is a picture of James K. Polk since no known picture is available for ole Pops James S. Pork.

Though I call him ole Pops, he is clearly not by father, you of course know this.

Transcript of when I called WingStop and Troy Aikman answered

2007-07-17T20:15:00.001-07:00

Troy: WingStop, we got wings!

Me: Hi, can I place an order for...

Troy: Superbowl rings? Mine aren't for sale. Kidding. How can I help you?

Me: Umm... can I place an order for 10 hot and 10 lemon pepper.

Troy: I'm not gay, I finally got married.

Me: Sorry?

Troy: These are the best wings ever. We've won festivals and such.

Me: Oh. Um...

Troy: I've won many, many Superbowls as a quarterback. Do you recognize me?

Me: You are a quarterback?

Troy: For the NFL. Maybe you heard of it.

Me: Um...

Troy: Guess!

Me: I wanted some celery sticks too.

Troy: Guess who I am, you are so smart!

Me: Roger Staubach?

Troy: Staubach?

Me: Farve?

Troy: He's only won once! I said many.

Me: Joe Montana? Awesome!

Troy: No! Troy Aikman. I'm Troy Aikman.

Me: Oh. (pause.) I thought you said you weren't gay.

Troy: I'm not!

(Long pause.)

Me: So just the wings and celery then.

Troy: You want blue cheese?

Me: Sure.

Prof. Snape's lines cut from the latest Harry Potter film

2007-07-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

* Potter, just because the sign says one dozen cookies, doesn't mean you have to eat one dozen cookies.

* This is my pet dog, Potter, he is very sick.

* Grainger, never refuse when someone offers you a mint.

* Weasley, does your HD TV have HDMI input?

* It's Red Vines on the west coast, Potter! Twizzlers on the east coast!

* Prof. Dumbledoor loaned me this sweater. Do you like it, Potter?

* What do you mean there is no Prof. Fondlebottom? Weasley?

* My pet dog is all better, Potter. Thank you for asking.

* You have never read Watchmen, Grainger? It is like literature, Grainger.

* Potter, I am really evil. Look to me to kill someone you love very soon. Potter.

Goodbye Dog!

2007-07-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

Hello Kitty is yesterday's news. There's no money in it. You say Hello to Kitty, and then Kitty stays there. There is no need to buy more Kitty, since you said Hello and why would Kitty leave?

I have invented a new success - Goodbye Dog!

There is much money in this for me, yes.

When you say Goodbye to Dog, the Dog is sad and leaves. You get the joy of making Dog sad, and then you have no more Dog. To get the joy of sad Dog, you have to buy another Goodbye Dog for you to say Goodbye to it.

The cycle repeats endlessly.

$$$!

Here is more trivia for you. Where does Goodbye Dog go when you say Goodbye?

To Rusty's tavern in Tampa, FLA. 2 for 1 Hurricanes! Spring Break!

Non irony alert

2007-07-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

Did you know that if you give a voice mail to a podcast, someone from a major newspaper will post it on their blog? It's like all web 2.0 and stuff.

Anyway I submitted a voice mail on my fave movie podcast Filmspotting and it got written up (briefly) by tribune critic Michael Phillips. Check out item #2 on the blog.

My podcast voice mail mention on this blog makes me more famous than George Clooney. Suck it, Clooney.

The blog...

http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/talking_pictures/2007/07/two-from-out-th.html

And the postcast... (Filmspotting is terrific always, BTW)

http://www.filmspotting.net/2007/07/filmspotting-167-sicko-transformers-top.html

Ah Clooney, I can't stay mad at you!

Condoleezza Nice!

2007-07-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

While she may be the heart and soul of the worst presidential administration since fuckin' Taft, I think Condoleezza Rice should be called Condoleezza NICE!

Why do I say so?

* When told she made Time Magazine's list of 100 Most Influential People, she said "Aw Shucks, Fellas."

* Her policy of Transformational Diplomacy is based on democratic values, which are nice values generally.

* Refuses to waterboard people, at least personally.

Since Condie is such a sweetie, I think we should think of other nicknames for famous Rices.

* SF 49er player Jerry Rice is now called Jerry Thrice, for his three or more Super Bowl rings.

* Author Anne Rice is now called Anne Ice, for her chillingly realistic depiction of Tom Cruise as a gay vampire.

* Boston Red Sox player Jim Rice is now called Jim Lice, for his refusal to wash his uniform that led to an infestation of grubs.

* Gary Hart's friend Donna Rice is now called Donna Vice, cause she had sex with that one guy once.

And I should be called Greg Mice, cause Mice is allllll I eat!

The fun kind of bleeding

2007-07-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

Contrary to Wikipedia, bleeding is normally not a fun activity.

But there are exceptions, three to be precise, when bleeding is a hoot.

1) When you bleed into the FunSparkle Bleed Machine, the most entertaining machine ever invented that runs on human blood.

2) When the FunSparkle Bleed Machine gives you a FunTime cut, making you bleed some more, and making the FunSparkle Bleed Machine twirl even faster.

3) When bleeding on the class action suit affidavit to the FunSparkle Bleed Machine Company that will make you rich, rich, rich!

So now I am worth tens of thousands, and have countless cuts on my hands and face?

Just like Edward James Olmos.

Photo by Jillallyn

Draft of my personal ad for comments

2007-07-02T09:19:00.001-07:00

Hi, I am going to post a personal ad on Yahoo Personals in 86 days and I'm very excited.

Here is what I have so far, and I'd love you to comment.

SWM, 39, seeks buddy to flip pancakes and make fun of others. Not sexual, but open to being perceived by others as creepy.

Must love Must Love Dogs
Also must love dogs
Also must love Dogz (children's toy line)
Also must love The Gods Must Be Crazy
Also must be crazy
Also must love the Gods
Also must love guns
Also must love Gun Crazy

Love of pancakes not required, but must love flipping things.

So what do you think? Maybe I can get a celebrity pal this way? Justin Long perhaps, TV's "Mac"?

The opening of "The Shield"

2007-07-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

Before the beginning of the FX series, "The Shield," an announcer must read the content rating by law. Here is a recent announcer's transcript:

"The Shield is rated TV-MA L S GV M A FOS GFFOHO DBIPOUT for Language, Sexual Situations, Nudity, Graphic Violence, Mutilations, Amputations, Forced Oral Sex, Guy's Face Forced On Hot Oven, and a Dude Burned In Pile Of Old Tires.

"It also has a scene where a fetus is ripped from a dying pregnant mother in a back alley. Serious... It's pretty fu(beep)d up."

(Long Pause...)

"This is supposed to be entertainment... ya know..."

(Rambling continues for 2-3 more minutes.)

(Loud knocking on the outside of the booth.)

President Reagan has been shot!

2007-06-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

By Casper Weinburger

Everyone, thanks for meeting in the situation room. As you know a few hours ago, President Reagan has been shot by a lone gunman, John Hinkley. We are investigating whether the assassin was backed by the Soviets.

The Reds think they can get the Gipper, but he's tougher than all of them.

Contrary to the assertions of Mr. Haig, Vice-President Bush is in charge until the President is in full recovery. Now, in the meantime, we need a full profile on this Hinkley, including known political--

What?

The shooting happened over 25 years ago?

Damn, someone set my PC clock to March 30, 1981 again.

Go to hell, George P. Schultz!

Joyful News

2007-06-26T22:00:00.001-07:00

Floo, the Wood Elf, who can bring all the woodland creatures together in harmony, who can spin rainbow light into solid cakes of love, whose every move can heal the sick, even those with some kind of bone marrow disease, whose smell is like that of a flower and a strawberry mixed together in a mixed drink at a Pretty Convention, whose smile would melt a Nazi and have that Nazi be remolded into a kind African boy, whose ability to hit home runs is only equalled by his ability to point to the stand in which he will hit that home run, died today in a hunting accident.

He had no survivors.

My favorite 5 things about Fantastic 4 part 2

2007-06-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

5) The military uniforms are surprisingly accurate.

4) Stan Lee's embarrassing cameo gives us one more opportunity to laugh at that sad fool.

3) For a few brief moments, we glimpse a semi-nude Micheal Chiklis.

2) Since Dr. Doom is played as an effeminate Eastern European, his cape and bondage armour now makes sense.

1) The movie's ending comes a good 10 minutes before I typically would attempt to gouge my eyes out.

Spid-ey-Mo

2007-06-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

I love the new Emo Spider-man.

When Sandman attacked, Spidey played Elliot Smiths "Fond Farewell for a Friend" with My Chemical Romance as his back-up band. Sandman then got all mopey.

Then Courtney Love and Norman Osborne murdered Kurt Cobain and Uncle Ben Parker and I have proof!

KCRW has made threatening sexual advances to me

2007-06-20T20:34:00.000-07:00

The Santa Monica Public Radio station, KCRW, has made several threatening sexual advances to me and it has to stop.

Listen to the titles of their shows.

"The Business" - as in "I am going to give you... the business." What is the business? Does it involve me removing my pants?

"The Treatment" - as in "I am going to give you... the treatment." Much more unnerving? Does this treatment involve auto-erotic asphyxiation?

"Left, Right and Center" - clearly a name for his member and sidecars

"Movie Reviews with Joe Morganstern" - simply disgusting

I am going to report you to NPR (specifically Steve Inskeep), if you don't stop this, KCRW.

I'd switch to the Pasadena station (KCPP), but only if knew they would stop bitch-slapping me.

Jerry Orbach is really Johann Sebastian Bach

2007-06-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

Star of stage, screen, and Law and Order screen, Jerry Orbach is the best actor over 90 on TV today.

Or is he? Look at his stage name and you see a clear message.

Jerry:
Je - the french personal pronoun (le pronom personnel) for "I"
Re - to repeat, like Groundhog Day, or the Bill Murray movie about Groundhog Day

Orbach:
Or - the Cockney accent for "whore"
Bach - JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH!

Or Simply - "I am the whore J.S. Bach who lives my life over and over like the movie about Groundhog day."

So Jerry Orbach is screaming to us that he is the reincarnated Germanic composer, who is doomed to star in police procedurals during a series of infinately concurrent afterlives.

Likely as punishment for fucking awful Brandenburg Concertos.

Dying is easy

2007-06-18T21:41:00.001-07:00

I'm back after a slight ailment.

Turns out I was, in fact, dead for several weeks. I would type on my keyboard, chuckling at my oft-misunderstood wit. But my words of gold would fail to ascend the servers of our beloved Google.

What was wrong? Did my IP address have too many "bits" in it? Was my CPU spending all of its power forcing digitized humans to race light cycles?

Maybe it was that truck that hit me? I still have that headlight shard in my eye socket and that can't be good. Plus I can walk through walls... and last time I looked, my name was not Shadowcat!!! (See X-Men #139)

Yep, I was dead. So how did I come back? It's easy, and you can do it yourself through a simple five step process involving common household items.

1) Rub head with Epsom salts
2) Take a hot bath
3) Remove shard of glass from eye/brain
4) Trade your soul for the life of all the pets on your street (to the demon "Dogeater")
5) Buy a new wardrobe! You earned it.

So my keyboard works, and my CPU has returned Jeff Bridges to the human world. All is right again.

Or is it?

Yes. Turns out it is.

Forgiveness

2007-06-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

I know the posting has dropped off substantially in May.

Two reasons.

1) I am an alcoholic.
2) Contrary to the advice of my friends and family, I have taken advantage of AA's "go back on booze" month of May.

The problem... here it is June, and I still like drinking that booze!

I question the logic of AA's program, but who am I to turn down the chance to "get active" in my alcoholism again.

Here's to my visions of spiders...

(Holding a mug of 99 cent vodka and $50 a shot cough syrup)

Your Pal,
Greeeeeeeeeeeeeg

The major event

2007-05-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

Man returns from the bathroom to find his wife, Woman, has just ordered dinner.

Woman: Honey, do you know what you want?

Man: Yes. (To Waiter.) I'll have the whitefish and a Caesar salad.

Woman: Oh my god! That is what I ordered!

The couple laughs.

The waiter laughs even harder.

Man: White fish!

Woman: Same order!

Fifteen minutes pass. Laughing.

Still laughing.

Reporter: White fish! Same order! This is the story of the year. What a scoop! Get the satellite up.

A satellite hook up broadcasts the event worldwide.

A crowd gathers outside the restaurant.

Crowd: White fish! Same order!

Men from the future materialize from a wormhole, laughing.

Future man #1: This is the event.

Future man #2: White fish!

Future man #1: Same order!

Man: You are from Future?

Future man #1: Yes... look!

They look at the satellite screen.

George W. Bush (on screen): White fish!

Bin Laden (on screen): Same order!

They shake hands. Laughing.

Man: The world is saved.

Woman: Same order!

4 out of 5 dentists do not know they are dentists

2007-05-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

A new study revealed that roughly 80% of all practicing dentists do not realize that they are dentists. Although they do good work and get high marks of satisfaction from their patients, they have no idea that the term "dentists" could apply to what they do.

As they go to work each day, they ask themselves: What am I doing? Why do I feel compelled each day to fix strangers' teeth? They seem to want to pay me money for this service. Is there a connection?

The other 20% of dentists, those who realize they actually are dentists, try to convince their colleagues to understand why they are being paid to work on teeth - or at least try to convince them to tell others they are dentists at cocktail parties - but to no avail.

This is why 20% of all dentists are very lonely, as the majority of other dentists will not admit to themselves they have chosen this life.

An open letter from Calvin

2007-05-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dear world -

I have never pissed on the logo of any automobile brand, foreign or domestic. I contain my urine to toilets, exclusively.

That boy is an imposter.

That is all,
Calvin

Mad Magazine's parody of David Lynch's Inland Empire more linear than original

2007-05-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

Mad Magazine's recent parody of David Lynch's Inland Empire, a baseball themed piece entitled Inland Umpire, had much more of a coherent plot than the subject of the parody.

In the piece, a woman who mildly looks like Laura Dern is a female umpire in a Pamona-based minor league baseball team. "When looking for love, she strikes out!" says the piece.

The piece also had guest appearances by Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks and Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. And it ended with a cameo from the director Lynch himself, holding a cup of coffee and a piece of cherry pie, and saying "Even I don't get it!!!!" to the reader.

It was clear that the author of the piece had not seen Inland Empire, nor a Lynch film from the past 15 years.

Coming up for Mad, a parody of Alfonso Cuarón's Children of Men, entitled Children of Mensch - in which all the Jewish people on the planet are no longer able to hold bar mitzvahs.

The Delay - slow speed donkey chase

2007-05-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

The 6 fans of CvW have been writing in (long hand on parchment) expressing displeasure for limited updates of said vehicle.

The reason for delays is simple - I have been locked in a week-long, slow-speed chase with MegaDonkey, the donkey made of anti-matter.

The donkey is incredibly slow, so he is easy to outrun. But like a zombie, MegaDonkey never sleeps, never stops. So my week has been a series of running, sleeping, being awoken by an approaching "haaaawww" noise, and running again.

Why am I running? Donkey anti-matter is fatal, and can destroy the universe. You're welcome.

Anyway that lasted for a week, but ended last night when I decided just to give him my goddamn carrots.

Rock and Roll Lyrics are Disgusting!

2007-04-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, sure, the rock and roll lyrics were a little raunchy. Jimmy Hendricks told his Hot Momma she had "tire tracks on your back" which somehow seemed dirty, but in an automotively safe context.

Now I can't believe what you kids listen to. I had to hear for myself so I went down to the (pictured) local record store and bought a VHS tape.

That's right, you buy music on tape now! I only had vinyl LPs.

Well imagine my surprise that this VHS tape was just people having sex with each other. And very little music!

I had to make sure so I bought ten more tapes, and sure enough all of them had smutty sex. They give out Grammys for this?

Even the titles are without merit. I don't know what artistic goals are met with the title Ultimate Handjob #8. I also saw little carry-through of thematic elements when I went back and watched episodes 1-7.

The only saving grace is that record stores these days are open 24 hours and have hidden off-street entrances.

Glen and Gary

2007-04-24T22:04:00.001-07:00

Not mine, but makes me warm inside.

Your children... now frowning!

2007-04-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

All of your children are crazed joymongers, smiling eternally, pleased with life and all its potential.

But you are sad, since you will never know the joy of seeing your children sad.

Now you can join my service in which I take photos of your ever-smiling angels and "turn that smile upside down." My "Photoshop" technique will make all children look sad and morose. This boy here was laughing before I got a hold of him.

Now you are happy since you can imagine your children sad!

$400 dollars each, or free if you give me 3 squares and a cot.

Photo by Drawing of Light

Warning: Fried Milk Secret Revealed!

2007-04-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was excited to try my grandmother's recipe for Fried Milk. Since it was a secret, I waited on her front stoop until she died before entering her house and riffling through her papers.

To my surprise, the recipe looks delicious...

1) Take 2% milk, let harden in sun.
2) Add dog urine.
3) Throw it in ungrateful grandson's face.
4) Show him attached picture and tell him it is Fried Milk, when it is clearly just decayed milk and dog urine.

I did the recipe like it said. When the recipe said "Grandson" I assumed it meant me, since I have no heirs.

Wow the picture looks great!

Why do I smell like dog pee and mayonnaise?

Vila destruction widespread.

2007-04-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

(no photo available of Bob Vila in huge form.)

Bob Vila's massive Godzilla-like size and dedication to Taoism has lead to the destruction of over 1,400 homes in Biloxi Mississippi - many of which were finally repaired after Hurricane Katrina.

President Bush has called the disaster "The Attack of Hurricane KatVila."

Upon hearing this, Karl Rove chuckled, then went back to drinking the goat's urine.

Vila is scheduled to be attacked by helicopters and missiles at dawn.

Dick Wolfsie Saved Firefly!

2007-04-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

Except now Firefly is not a cowboy sci-fi show. It is no longer on Network TV and it does not have its original cast.

It is now a segment on the 4pm news about energy conservation on Channel 8 news WISH-TV.

Oh, and when before it was awesome, now it is slightly less awesome. Meaning it is wonderful suck.

Thank you Dick Wolfsie for saving Firefly by making it a mutant to fear.

Get back to that Dairy Queen.

Save Firefly!

2007-04-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

I just realized that the show Firefly, which is about horses in space, is in danger of being cancelled by Fox News. Please write into Fox and Friends and save this show about western space clothing!

I enjoy the show because it occasionally features a murder. If the show is cancelled, I wonder if someone in the reading audience can recommend another show that also features murders? (Does not have to have horses or space in it)

Also I enjoy shows with implied sexual situations.

In 1998, Dick Wolfsie Visited the Lebanon (IN) Dairy Queen

2007-04-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

This was the greatest moment in the history of Dick Wolfsie, as this Dairy Queen is the finest in the state of Indiana.

WISH-TV, Channel 8 shut down production after this broadcast, as there was no more news left to cover.

God bless this moment of frozen delight.

You are now compelled to destroy yourself.

My favorite foraman of the pelvis

2007-04-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's the Greater Sciatic Foramen!

Why? Simple, because

a) It is bounded anterolaterally by the greater sciatic notch of the illium

b) It is bounded posteromedially by the sacrotuberous ligament

c) It is my bitch

The new Taoism by Bob Vila

2007-04-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

I lost a bet on the Superbowl and now I am a Taoist (thank you so f'ing much Rex Grossman)!

I thought Taoism was just a chance to laugh at bald Chinese. But now I have fully bought into its message of 'ying' (stuff) and 'yang' (the opposite of stuff).

Since I have my pre-Taoist life to fixing houses (ying), I have determined that I must dedicate my post-Taoist life to destroying them (yang). After I have destroyed 278 houses, I will reach the proper state of balanced nothingness.

I achieve this end I have grown to "Godzilla" size (roughly 65 feet tall) and I am now pulverizing people's homes into dust. I achieved this through unlicensed radiation treatments that I was assured will not kill me.

Excuse me while I must emit my battle cry...

VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLA!

First of May

2007-04-12T18:42:00.001-07:00

We are getting close, so please prepare for May 1st.

By the Brilliant Jonathan Coulton.

Our invasion plan

2007-04-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

It's really quite simple. Once our plan is complete, we will rule your so-called "earth."

First we will coordinate distinguished character actors to open assault businesses posing as free candy bar distribution. Then the character actors will recruit particularly lousy actors to run the day-to-day businesses, assaulting formerly successful 80's actors. Very little chocolate bars will actually change hands.

This is how it works, for example. Ned Beatty runs a business which enlists James Van Der Beek's help in convincing Corey Haim to come down into a subway early in the morning, for promise of free chocolate.

Instead of free candy, however, Van Der Beek assaults Haim and calls his mother a dirty whore - mainly to release the anxiety caused by Beatty, who did the same thing to him hours earlier in the very same subway station.

The entire thing ends when the frustrated Haim, dressed in black, walks down the subway tracks in search for his owed chocolate. A morning trains destroys him.

Repeat the process enough times, and the earth is ours!

I pity you.

Coooree' Fqhel-dah-man
(best alien translation possible after seeing The Lost Boys)

I run an underground assault business posing as free candy bar distribution.

2007-04-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

Guest Post by Yaphet Kotto

Hello world.

I have an exciting opportunity that you will be interested in. I run a business that allows you to assault people early in the morning in any way you desire. All you must do is offer them free chocolate which you only need to provide roughly one out of every four times?

This is an especially promising career option if you are a lousy, albeit successful, actor.

What do I provide? Come to the subway station location that I will email you between 1:45am and 2:40am to find out.

I will not assault you!

Love,
Yaphet Kotto
Star of "Homicide: Life on the Street" aka H:LOTS

Free Chocolate Subscription Available

2007-04-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

Hello -

My street name is Gerog, but you may know me as motion picture actor James Franco. I am offering you an exciting opportunity. A free chocolate bar every day for life AT NO COST TO YOU.

Why am I doing this? I have a love of giving you chocolate and in fact, yes, I have an excess of chocolate as well.

I will tell you exactly where and when to pick up your free chocolate bar each day THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO! Be assured the bar will be unopened and you will not be harmed.

If you think your mother is a filthy whore, than you will come down and enjoy my chocolate.

Love (deeply),
James Franco (aka Gerog)

I am cancelling my chocolate bar subscription

2007-04-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

Sirs –

I am hereby cancelling my chocolate bar subscription effective immediately.

Originally, I must confess that I thought a program in which I received “free chocolate” every day was an dubious concept, but the promise of free delicious chocolate must have blinded me to this. I should have known that a man delivering me the free chocolate bar on a subway platform between 4:45 and 5:15am was an atypical supply chain.

In the past three months, your employee has verbally, physically, and sexually assaulted me during these morning hours. Furthermore, I have only received 8 chocolate bars in this time, and many of them have been partially eaten.

Per your request, I am delivering this cancellation note between the hours of 3:18 and 4:13am on the subway tracks between the two designated stations, dressed in black. I expect the 74 chocolate bars that I am owed will be present upon delivery of this note.

On a personal note, please tell Gerog that he is wrong about my mother.

Best,

Tiger Woods (FKA C. Thomas Howell)

Defective Minotaur for sale

2007-04-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

Defective Minotaur for sale, in that he has a man-head, not a bull-head.

Delicious man-bottom is functional.

What I did

2007-04-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

I stuffed a Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside another Pop-tart
Inside a dinner roll
Inside a taco shell
Inside a Pop-tart
Inside my body
Inside a coffin!

Photo by NoiseCollusion

My conversation about Neitzche with my 19 month old son.

2007-04-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey, buddy, don't put that ball in your diaper. Is that your way to express your radical perspectivism?

Son: Diggle, Eeeeeeeee.

Me: Don't pull the master and slave morality card. I'm the daddy here.

Son: Waaaa, Whaddle, Weeeee. Diggle, diggle.

Me: You are right. The eternal return of the overman is upon us.

Son: Mooooooore cheeeeeese!

Me: You want more cheese, boy? Here you go.

Acceptable.tv

2007-04-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

Is kind of great in a low-fi way. We have nothing to do with the show, we just like it.

Forgive the non-irony.

What the buttons mean in the new Speed Racer movie

2007-03-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

The Wachowski Brothers are making a Speed Racer film for next year and it was just announced that the buttons do on the new Mach 5.

Button A: Jump!
Button B: Find Transvestite Bar!
Button C: Put on Trannie clothes!
Button D: Don't judge me!
Button E: High Beams (car)
Button F: High Beams (fake breasts on Trannie)
Button G: Kicks Monkey and Retarded Kid from Trunk, replaces with Trannie.

This is encouraging, as I love to watch men in women's clothes remove monkeys from small places.

Day Care for your tools!

2007-03-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

Since we are working 105 hours a week, no one is looking after our inanimate objects. This is fine for furniture as they hate humans. But your tools are very sad, as you have left them in the lawn and they are now rusting.

Fine English Bitties are available for mere pence to take care of your tools. These Bitties were removed from service as they used to strike children with tools. So why not have them look after your tools instead?

Once you turn your tools over to them, however, never try to retrieve them from the Bitties. If you do, they will strike you with your own tools. You will also be hit if you stop paying them. You are therefore committed to paying them $4 a week, and you will never see your tools again.

THIS IS A LESSON TO YOU!

Nintendo Announces New Title: Cool Mist Provider DS

2007-03-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

Of the success of such Nintendo DS games as Animal Crossing (gardening and fishing game) and Nintendogs (dog petting and scratching game), Nintendo has announced a new title in the line of banal tasks for its handheld system.

Cool Mist Provider DS places you as a man who owns a cool mist vaporizer with an extra long power cord. You run the vaporizer up to very dry men, and provide them with cooling mist. The men thank you and give you coins, which you can then use to purchase stickers to decorate your vaporizer.

Challanges in the game involve detangling the cord, cleaning the filter, and of course... filling the tank with water.

The title will be released in April, followed in July with Manual Freezer Defroster DS.

The Final Five???

2007-03-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

Egg is on the face of NCAA basketball tournament organizer Greg Shaheen, as a severe bracket error has allowed five teams, rather than the customary four, to survive to the tournament's final weekend.

"I forgot to count up all those lines," said Shaheen, pictured here apologizing on CBS radio. "In fairness, around 10 million people participate in office pools, so you would have thought that someone else would have caught it before now."

The final five teams are UCLA, Ohio State, Florida, Georgetown, and Ohio State a second time.

"Since Ohio State qualified twice, it is not fair to simply eliminate one of their slots," said Shaheen.

In a sense of fairness, all five teams will play in a "cutthroat" format, in which all teams play on a single court at the same time, scoring on either basket at will. Ohio State, having qualified twice, will be allowed to field 10 players for this game.

The team with the lowest score after 5 hours will be eliminated. The Final Four will start 10 minutes thereafter, right after Dick Vitale is roasted and eaten.

Barry Pepper signs with New York Giants

2007-03-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

Coach Tom Coughlin announced today the signing of acclaimed actor Barry Pepper to the New York Giants' 2007-08 roster.

Pepper has been cast in the role of the world-weary veteran quarterback, brought in to "train and tame" young hotshot Eli Manning. When Manning gets injured right before the 2008 playoffs, Pepper has a chance to step in for one last moment of glory.

Still to be cast are the roles of the comic relief foreign-national place kicker and Coughlin's smoking hot girlfriend on the side.

This is Pepper's third sports role, the other two being his portrayal of Roger Maris in HBO's 61*, and his role as a Professional Rollerball Star in John Travolta's Battlefield Earth.

Those 300 guys sure like Spritzers!

2007-03-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

Man, those bare chested 300 hunks love their "Sparta."

But since no one loves "Sparta" and actually it makes people ill to scream the word, the actors of this film replaced their battle cry with the phrase "Spritzer!"

All manly actors love white wine spritzers, and would gladly die in battle for the light, fruity combination of cheap wine and Sprite.

Here is a scene from the film...

Wine Steward: This is madness!

Bare Chested King Leonidas: THIS IS SPRITZER!

(King Leonidas kicks Wine Steward into pit of bubbly soda and wine.)

The Drive Thru Menu at Peter O'Toole's

2007-03-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

The new drive thru restaurant named "Peter O'Tooles" announced their extra value menu today.

Combo #1 - 3 Vodka martinis, 2 highballs, bourbon chaser
Combo #2 - 2 Vodka martinis, 2 Gin martinis, 1 highball, rye whisky chaser
Combo #3 - various liquors, many of which are lit on fire
Health-Conscious Combo - 9 wine spritzers

Upsize by adding 2 gin and tonics for just $3 more.

Food menu TBA (probably never).

Come to O'Tooles. Remember their slogan. Peter stands with his junk sticking out of his pants and says "I must run water through this, ma'am."

Puzzle Time!

2007-03-19T20:15:00.003-07:00

Guest Post by New York Times Puzzle Editor Will Shortz

I get many requests from 8 year olds like this one.

"You are dead to me. Even if you made me a fun word puzzle, I would never love you, father!"

Well, Timmy, your wish is my command. Here is a word puzzle. Try to find the one word that is the secret message of all the clues.

Five Letter Word
"Uncommonly Good," said the Keebler Elf
Causes relief from death rattles
Knots up your stomach

Yesterdays' most popular Pop Hit
Over the Rainbow is not Dorothy's only tune
Umpires also "strike out"

Tonight Show Host, Steve Allen
"Ice" is slang for what drug?
Moose, not Bullwinkle
Manatee, not SeaCow
You are a dick, Timmy!

What is the secret message, Timmy, you are so f*cking smart?

The Different Flavors of Videodrome

2007-03-19T20:15:00.001-07:00

Wayne Cheeze pointed out that there are many flavors of Videodrome these days, since this is the era of Web 2.0 and all.

We all know the "Classic" version of Videodrome, still available on most of your cable providers, which features James Woods giving Debby Harry cigarette burns. Watch it enough and you see a fleshy VHS cassette slot grow in your chest. (Yes, I know! VHS! What's the matter Videodrome? Can't scrape up the bucks to upgrade to fleshy DVD or god forbid fleshy Blu-Ray!)

Did you know that Videodrome comes in other flavors?

Cherry Videodrome: Debby Harry's hair is dyed red. Your nose starts to smell cherry stuff until it falls off.

Grape Videodrome: See Videodrome, Cherry. Notable exception, James Woods' hair is purple and you smell grape instead of cherry.

David Allan Greer Videodrome: The excitable actor is burned with cigarettes by Damon Wayans. Marlon and Keenan are freaked out and will not participate.

Mustached Blonde Man Videodrome: You think he is some kind of hillbilly, and he often is. Do not watch this Videodrome, 'cause there is some sick crap coming up.

David Lynch Videodrome: All is quite normal and kind.

Videodrome is Burning: Jim Rome takes calls from Raider Fans all while he is nude, chained, and beaten. For once, you do not find him insufferable.

For old times sake, I'll now reach into the VCR slot in my chest… Hey, that's where my copy of Running Scared went!

LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH, BOYEEEE!

My 4 favorite lies

2007-03-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

Guest Post by Milton Supman

4) That is not soup.

3) That soup does not belong to you.

2) Yes, it is soup that belongs to you, but it is poison.

1) Now that you ate poisoned stolen non-soup, you will live forever.

Turns out, none of them are lies after all! I am 340 years old and still love my soup!

What is in a $100,000,000 pizza?

2007-03-16T15:50:00.001-07:00

Tomatoes

Cheese

Meat from Seabiscuit

Mushrooms (Portabello)

Land rights to large portions of France

Green Peppers

Lost Beatles recordings (2 songs)

Sausage

A cure for cancer (only good for small animals)

Everything in this picture

Notes from the Bracketologist!

2007-03-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

I've got a great idea! With the NCAA tourney coming up, why not try to predict the "brackets" ahead of time. Maybe you can compare your predictions with others in your office for a slight wager?

If you do this, I have firm suggestions that will force you a win.

1) Even though he is cute and hilarious, bet against the team that has "Air Bud" as a player. Dogs are genetically bad at basketball.

2) Many teams from the south are deliberately starved of food prior to their first weekend's game as a motivation technique. Pick these teams to win in the first round, since they are working on pure adrenaline and fury. But pick them to lose in the second game, since that is the point when their bodies will begin to eat themselves.

3) The Jamacian Bobsled Basketball team is 0-29 in the tourney all time. So they are due to win. Bet them all the way to the Sweet 16.

4) Every Final Four in the past 15 years had featured either Duke, or a team that is a fan of "The Duke of New York" (aka Issac Hayes). Since Duke is awful this year, throw a screening of Escape from New York and see what team shows up. Advance that team to the Championship Round.

5) When in doubt, always bet on the team with the most corrupt booster program.

Top 4 Wizard Fights of All Time

2007-03-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

4) Sarlock the Master of Desserts vs. Dragoon the PieHorder. Weapon: Magic Pies

3) Thomas of the Cat Familiars vs. Jerry, Lord of the Church Mice. Weapons: Cheese, traps, dynamite, dogs on very long leashes.

2) Moo-lao the Optician vs. Yuron the Opthomologist. Weapon: Custom Fitted Lenses (possibly Magic?)

1) Gandalf vs. Saraman in Fellowship of the Ring. Did you see that movie!!! Totally kick ass wizard fight. Weapon: Some kind of Magic.

Oprah Fight!

2007-03-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

The sorority that I pledged as a Freshman this year does not have pillow fights, they have Oprah Flights!

Everyone takes an Oprah by the feet and begins to swing it wildly.

If you have a medium-fat Oprah, you can get swinging quickly!

If you have a super-fat Oprah, you start slowly and weakly, but gain super momentum late!

If we have too many fighters and not enough Oprahs, someone may fight with a Gail or a Rachel Ray. No one ever uses the Dr. Phil.

These are not blow-ups, or paper cut outs, by the way. They are real human Oprahs.

When they smack you they leave suuuuuch a mark.

Thanks for your time.

Gerry Hamberg

P.S. Yes I am a man in his late 50s. My sorority is progressive and mind your own business and it is not fictitious.

My favorite frog of all time: Frogworth Hopingston

2007-03-09T09:12:00.000-08:00

By Betty Lipnikki

Hello world! I love life!

I am also in deep love with my favorite frog of all time. His name is Frogworth Hopingston and he is a PhD – Pretty Happy Dearheart!

Here is why we cannot be beaten.

1) Hops higher and farther than any frog ever

2) Can actually carry additional frogs inside his belly

3) Not slimy, actually cozy to hug

4) He is actually a kangaroo

5) He is nothing like one of those f*cking disgusting frogs!

God bless you Frogworth. Please crush all other frogs slowly with your freakishly large kangaroo feet.

A self review of my performance to date

2007-03-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

Cleanliness (out of 10): 3

Good Intentions (out of 10): 6

Structural Integrity (out of 10): vs. hurricanes, 10; vs. earthquake, 5; vs. children’s tears, 1

Weakest Body Parts: stomach (punch), eyes (poke), ears (can be “boxed”)

Malice: Light (towards shrimp), Heavy (towards all things not shrimp)

Use of vowels: AAAAAAAA-OOOOOOOOK

Personal reference: Was wife, now no reference

Locker Combination (gym): twice right to 30, once left to 12, right to 3

Nuclear Suitcase Password (gym): “ohno” (all one word)

Vertical Leap: (without kangaroo) 4”; (with kangaroo, in pouch) 34”

Clown or Wolf: I’d like to say Wolf, but I know better

James Franco is in your house!

2007-03-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Get out of your house now! James Franco is in the basement. He is crawling upstairs slowly!

My god, why are you still there? Are your affairs in order? Because James Franco is ever closer, and he may touch you soon.

When he arrives, what will happen? He will give you a pout so hard that your intestines will spill out of your belly. HE IS MOPEY AND CRAWLING UP THE STAIRS RIGHT NOW!

Lock the basement door! Better yet, throw Ryan Phillipe down there with him. Both will mope each other in permanent gridlock. In several days they will die from dehydration. At this point you can send your White House body guards downstairs to clean up.

White house body guards???

Yes, did I mention that YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES????

An actual real life OnStar conversation

2007-03-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

Man: Can you let me know where my car is located?

OnStar: Sir, my computer shows me that you are calling me using the OnStar service.

Man: That's right.

OnStar: Meaning, you are in your car right now.

Man: (crying) Tell me where I am!

OnStar: It looks like the Costco parking lot in Canyon Country.

Man: What is this (slowly) COOOST-COOOO?

OnStar: It is a warehouse club store.

Man: Can you unlock my door? I am really scared!

OnStar: You are inside your car, sir. You can unlock them yourself.

Man: (Crying) I don't want to die in here!

Sound of car door unlocking.

Man: Now I am free. Thank you OnStar!

OnStar: You're welcome.

Man: Call the police! I've been in an accident!

OnStar: Your car has not moved for hours, according to the GPS.

Man: It happened weeks ago.

OnStar: Sir I don't think--

Man: (crying) I am losing blood!

Sound of typing.

OnStar: Police have been called. I'll stay on the phone with you until they arrive.

Man: Great. (pause) So... Can you tell me if Costco still has their very large chicken pies?

Sound of typing.

OnStar: No, sir, they are out.

Man: Lock my doors, please.

Sound of car door locking. Sirens approaching.

OnStar: Sir, my records tell me you are in fact, Harvey Keitel. Is this true?

Nothing.

OnStar: (yelling) SIR, IS THIS TRUE?

Silence. Sirens. Sound of a gun being cocked.

End of call.

Photo by bovine magnet

Flash Mob for Chicken... Great!

2007-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

The new flash mob is seconds from forming. Set your watches. The time = 2:35pm. The city = Augusta, Maine.

We meet at Popeye's Chicken, and we buy all the chicken they have.

Then we take all the chicken across the street to KFC.

KFC gets angry at our mob, and in the confusion they mix the chicken together.

Then, over the next week, when people are ordered by their government to buy KFC, they get Popeye's some of the time.

This angers some (those that prefer KFC). Those who prefer Popeye's are happier, but confused.

People who go to Popeye's are sad since all the chicken is gone.

God, I had a good reason to do this, but for the life of me I can't remember it now.

Ah well... too late now.

Photo by jetalone

Salt Mice

2007-03-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

There is a great new technology that will revoultionize how you deal with steak and tomatoes.

Why pour unwieldy salt on your meat and fruit? You are forced this way to spread that salt yourself, and you are very clumsy... mounds of salt will cluster on the left side of your meat and fruit, while the right side will be bland and salt-free.

The solution is clear. Turn real mice into living salt mice. These live salt mice will live in a small cage on your restraunt table, consuming coffee sugar packets for food.

When your steak and fruit arrive from the angry waitress, you let the mouse loose. He/she will run over your steak and fruit, coating it EVENLY with delicious salt. No more will your inadequacies in salt distribution ruin your meal.

How will we accomplish the creation of salt mice? That is the easiest part. Simply make them turn back and look at Sodom and Gammorah.

Ha ha, stupid mouse! Now that you looked back at the cities of sin, you are doomed to serve us at Claim Jumper forever!

Photo by Dano

You can't handle the junk

2007-02-28T22:42:00.000-08:00

Charlie Chaplin once had a love child with an even smaller man. The result of this tryst was yet an even smaller man.

THAT man, the love child, then took off all his clothes and performed at the Hollywood bowl.

The cost to see this show, free. In fact, by attending, you received $50.

Who came to the show? Can't you see from the picture?

Why did no one show up? Perhaps THE LOVE CHILD'S MAN JUNK was too much for them! Ever think of that?

No you didn't.

Academy Award Winners of 3,000,000 A.D.

2007-02-27T20:55:00.000-08:00

After 10,000 years, the Academy Awards were revived from cancellation in 12,008 A.D. through the efforts of Dame Judy Dench's distant ancestor, Willie Fernfly Dench.

They thrived until the natural end of the planet Earth, albeit with rather low ratings. (You Tube continued to take much of the show's audience.)

As you requested, here are the winners of the last Oscar neuroncast, finished moments before the sun's nova explosion engulfed the earth.

Best Picture: Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AHG8

Best Actor: Zzzz, Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AHK10

Best Actress: Zzz*$z, Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AGR31

Best Original Screenplay: Nanobot Orgasm and Murder Stimulation #402AGXX32

Best Adapted Screenplay: Howard's End (infinite remake edition)

Thalberg Award: Warren Beatty

Academy Award Winners of 3,000,000 BC

2007-02-26T20:26:00.000-08:00

Now that the Academy Awards have finally given the Oscar to Martin Scorsese, the awards have been cancelled moving forward.

With the final episode of the Oscars airing last night, Clown Vs. Wolf thought you would want to "look back" at the winners of the first every Academy Awards, held in the year 3 million B.C. in the Shrine Auditorium.

Best Picture: Scream at Tiger, Large Teeth

Best Actor: Oog, Fire Bad

Best Actress: Heervoo, Make Nice Kiss Kiss

Best Makeup: Mud Fall Down

Best Costume: Big Leaf Cover Pee Poo

Best Adapted Screenplay: Mud Fall Down (adapted from the folktale, The Death of Kreeno the Clumsy)

Best Original Screenplay: The Remains of the Day

Thalberg Award: Chief Googoo, for not eating all the babies

Secrets of the Da Vinci Code!

2007-02-26T19:59:00.000-08:00

Now that the Ron Howard film The Da Vinci Code won Best Picture at the 2006 Academy Awards, it is safe to reveal the secrets of the film.

These secrets are not spoilers if you saw the movie al fresco, better known as "normal style." These secrets only come out if you watch the film under the influence of expired homemade mescaline.

FACT: The holy grail is not a grail at all, but is, in fact, a "cup."

FACT: The Louve restaurant is not a restaurant at all, but in fact is a house of fine art available for purchase.

FACT: It is legal to murder someone in the Louve, as long as you drag the body around and write clues in the victim's blood.

FACT: Ian McKellen is Gandalf, Magneto, and a raving queen. All three things give him incredible nerd cred.

FACT: The Knights Templar were neither Knights nor manufactures of Templar, a non-stick coating found on pots or pans.

FACT: Mary Magdalene had mutated lady parts, as dramatized in the film Dead Ringers (in which Jeremy Irons and another guy who looks a lot like Jeremy Irons really gets excited about Mary Magdalene for that very reason.)

What does this all mean? That if you want to save the world from the bad guys who love Jesus, make sure you hide the key to all humanity in a bunch of codes only history nerds could solve.

Why? Because once a guy finds the key to all humanity, it will likely be a hot chick, and that hot chick would never bang a history nerd, therefore saving the world.

Here is the latest Ziggy

2007-02-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

Here is a funny little story about today's Ziggy comic strip.

The original text of this was "Suicide Hotline." And the woman said: "I never thought I'd be telling anyone this, but I think you're better off doing it."

Ziggy creator Tom Wilson is going through a rough patch right now.

After receiving the strip, the editors changed the text to its current version.

Free Pie

2007-02-21T21:46:00.000-08:00

You did it! You won free pie!

Pick up the free pie at the corner of 1st and Main Street. I'll be the guy with a trench coat and tube socks (I have lost the shoes pictured here).

Your pie will be in several pieces in my several pockets.

Just pull the pieces of pie out yourself and assemble them in a tin.

The pie is neither fruit, cream or meat based. When you see what it is made of, you will be shocked!

YOU WON FREE PIE!

Canada's New Plan

2007-02-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

Neo-conservatives (Hannity, Wolfawitz, et al.) are falling out of favor in the states, what with all the mismanagement, lying, and sex with teens.

So the Canadian government sees this as an opportunity, and is opening their borders to these misunderstood captains of industry.

In order to attract that sweet, sweet neo-con cash, the Canadian government is eliminating all income taxes for people making more than $200,000 a year.

Sounds perfect? There is a catch! Anyone who pays taxes has the right to pass wind in the face of those who pay none.

Are we to believe that Canada is eliminating income tax for neo-cons just so they can fart in their face?

I am not sure, but during the press conference annoucing the new plan, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was distinctly giggling.

The Jerky Boys Musical

2007-02-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

I heard on the radio that the winner of the 2006 Tony Award for Best Musical is a show called The Jerky Boys. I am sure I heard that correctly.

I can only imagine the loving songs of this fantasic musical.

* "You order Chinese Food, you no come pick up!"

* "I got a funny little drinking problem!"

* "Ode to Brett Weir"

* "These tomatoes are dried up."

* "You're The One That I Want (Woo Ooo Ooo Kumar!)"

This sure makes the Dreamgirls Oscar Snub in perspective. Why like that crap, when you can enjoy a musical about phony phone calls?

Bugs Bunny speaks out against Paracoccidioidomycosis

2007-02-18T11:08:00.001-08:00

After Chuck Jones got in trouble with the IRS for failing to report the income he received betting on turtle races in Key West, he cut a deal with the government. Jones agreed to direct short films staring Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, informing the public about the dangers of lesser known diseases.

The following is the transcript from one of these films.
______________

Bugs and Daffy are leaning on a tree. Daffy has a pipe.

Bugs: Eh, what's up, doc?

Daffy: I'll tell you what is up! Cases of Paracoccidioidomycosis!

Bugs: Paracoccidioidomycosis is a mycosis caused by Paraco... ccidioides. It is sometimes called "South American blastomycosis", doc, but is caused by a different fungus than that which causes blastomycosis.

Daffy: Whatta maroon.

Bugs: (squinting has he tries to read cue cards off camera) If you get exposed, and your mycosis becomes... Sub...cutan...eous, know that these infections are difficult to treat and may require surgical debridement.

Daffy: Or just use Castor oil!

Bugs: Yeah, that should cure it. Castor oil, whatever.

(Bugs sighs, looking bored.)

Daffy: If you are exposed, see your school nurse. And tell your pop to vote for Eisenhower.

Bugs: Yep. (Bugs wanders off set.)

Daffy: Bugs?

(Daffy looks blankly, shrugs. Then he listens to someone off mumbling off camera.)

Daffy: We have seventy more of these to do?

I am "Iron Man"

2007-02-15T22:22:00.001-08:00

With the Iron Man movie coming out, I thought I would catch the fever and replace a piece of my body with iron. I am not familiar with the Iron Man character, but I'd imagine it has something to do with replacing a fleshy body part with an iron one.

I first was going to chop off my hand and replace with a robot hand. But robot hands are sooooo the turf of a Matt Helm villain.

So I thought about it and have made my decision. I have replaced my skin-based pituitary gland with an iron-based one.

But the joke is on me. My new iron pituitary gland secretes no enzymes, it is just for show. As a result, I have no growth hormone, and am now 45% my original size. I am also lactating breast milk at a wicked pace.

At least I should be able to get on my local news once the Iron Man movie comes out.

It is directed by Jon Favreau.

Art by Adi Granov

Slot Machine Madness

2007-02-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

As this is Clown vs. Wolf posting #100, it is time to detail the exact payouts of the slot machine that I have in the casino located in my basement.

Cherry, anything, anything - 1 coin
Cherry, cherry, anything - 2 coins
cherry, cherry, cherry - jackpot (does not happen)

bell, bell, bell - 15 coins
belle, belle, belle - Beauty and the Beast DVD (out of print)

bar, anything, anything - free drink
bar, bar, anything - buy me a drink?
bar, bar, bar - where is that damn bar? What? Last Call? Why you lousy...

baby, baby, baby - free baby
baby, baby, anything - free baby
baby, anything, anything - free baby
anything, anything, anything - free baby

WON'T SOMEONE TAKE THIS SCREAMING BABY AWAY!!!

Photo by liberalmind1012

My new cell phone ring tone

2007-02-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

I often don't hear my cell phone ring, so I got myself a new ring tone.

In order for me to hear it, I chose the startling sound of a gun shot. For realism, the sound is deafening, and it goes off right next to my ear.

Since no cell phone can duplicate a gun shot by my ear, I have replaced by traditional bluetooth earpiece with a .38 snub nose. I put my ear in the place your trigger finger goes.

Through science that I shall not explain, whenever my phone rings, the .38 fires. Since I don't want to shoot any people who are not mailmen, I load the gun with blanks.

However, I am questioning the effectiveness of these blanks, since people are sure look like they are actually shot whenever a telemarketer rings to sell me more term life insurance.

Maybe I should not have hired the prop man from The Crow to load my bluetooth .38 full of blanks.

Photo by Thms

The final word about Jesus

2007-02-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

Compare Jesus to Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient.

Both die.

Both are put in a cave.

Both wait three days.

But only one comes out.

Ha Ha, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient... you are NOTHING like Jesus. Stay in that cave, lady!

What's that? You say that Jesus was never nominated for an Oscar?

Why are you talking, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient. You are so dead in a cave and I just proved a wicked point about Jesus!

What's that again? You say Jesus never was awarded the Légion d'honneur by the French government in 2005?

God, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient, you know how to ruin a guy's fun!

Stay in that cave, lady!

Photo by Steve Deger

The Five Seasons

2007-02-11T21:23:00.000-08:00

Someone with mild genetic stupidness (not the sad kind, but the kind that is OK to make fun of) asked me a question today. "What are the names of the five seasons?" Since he had that funny genetic stupidness, I thought this was another one of his dumb, dumb questions.

But it turns out he is right. There are, in fact, five seasons.

1) Winter
2) Spring
3) Summer
4) Fall, or "Autumn"
5) James Van Der Beek

How is this true? Were there not only four seasons just weeks ago? And why is one of the seasons the name of a forgotten Dawson's Creek star?

James Van Der Beek is indeed a real season. It lasts 8 days, and is in mid-December - that time that really should be winter, but still is technically fall (cause fall is a dick and won't give it up).

What do you do for these 8 days? Play football in colorful leaves or drink hot cocoa and wrap presents? Turns out neither. You watch Varsity Blues and The Rules of Attraction and weep for what might have been.

Why did James Van Der Beek get his own season? Turns out he is the distant grandson of black wizard Oliver Cromwell. And therefore he is the most powerful magician in Hollywood, second only to Babe-star James Cromwell.

If you don't believe me, check it out in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasons. (If it is not in the entry when you check, some non-believer has taken out my edit!)

One other perk during the James Van Der Beek season... murder without consequence or remorse!

I have to roast this woman, not literally

2007-02-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

I am tasked with writing a scathing attack on this very nice woman. Powerful people are paying me to do this, so she must have pissed off someone.

All I found out about her is that she is good-natured and kind to children. That ain't funny!

She likes the Packers, which is more lame and sad than funny.

I'll make up three lies about her...

1) She once dressed up a dog in a Joe Stalin costume and made out with it.

2) She once called up Shirley Temple Black and agreed with her crazy pro-Vietnam opinions.

3) She once destroyed one of the "Twenty-Four Histories," specifically the Book of Wei. Now China only had 23 Histories - which is totally creepy given that Jim Carrey movie is coming out where he is scared of that number.

Ah, I need help... Post some comments with attacks on this woman! The secret power brokers want her taken down!

The Toronto Raptors: finally embarassed about the name

2007-02-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

The Toronto Raptors issued this statement Wednesday evening.

We acknowledge that our franchise name of "Raptors," which was coined at the height of Jurassic Park-fever, is today totally lame.

While the effects seemed amazing in 1993, today they seem a bit tired. Not that much better than Dino De Laurentiis' King Kong remake, if you ask us.

We can't help but think that if we had named our franchise right after Return of the Jedi, we would be called the "Toronto Ewoks."

We plan on changing our name soon to fix this error. The two leading contenders are the "Toronto Jack Sparrows" or the "Toronto Nights (at the Museum)."

I'm glad for the mea culpa. However, this blatant attempt at movie tie-in sports franchises is not the worst offense in sports history. That distinction goes to the NHL farm team called the "St. Louis Last Starfighters."