Steven Baldwin's new show

Steven Baldwin's new show is called "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club" and the premise is simple...

Steven invites young women to his Yacht and they enjoy a few drinks.

That's it. Pretty innocent, really. Nothing else happens.

What? "Rape Club?" Sure it sounds bad, but it can't be further from the truth.

So why did Steven Baldwin choose to call his show "Steven Baldwin's Yacht Rape Club?"

Um...

To warn women against the dangers of going to his yacht! Yeah, that's-- no! Why would he have to warn anyone? It's all prefectly sweet.

In fact, just so the girls don't drink and drive, he gets Daniel to drive them home.

Oh... I get it now.

The Top Five Movies of 2007

Although 2007 is just half done, this list will not be revised at year's end.

5) Rescue Dawn, Ratatouille, Zodiac, Once, 300, the Namesake, Grindhouse, and Waitress (tie)

4) Le Shgr - Dutch/Polish film so obscure that it does not exist

3) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - a page turner!

2) Goodfellas (1990) - surprised more critics didn't catch this one

1) Voices in my head - not the film, the actual voices, never stopping

Nicknames for ole Pops

My Ole Pops has many nicknames.

His real name is James S. Pork

So his buddies called him "Spicy Pork"

Which then turned into "Carnitas"

Which they shortened to "Car"

So then they called him "Automobile"

Which became "Model-T (the original Automobile)" then "Mr. T"

"Mr. T" morphed into "B.A." (T's A-Team nome de plume)

"B.A." turned into "Burnt Almonds" which then turned to "Arsenic"

"Arsenic" lasted for a day before they called him "Old Lace"

When they called him "Old Lace," James S. Pork snapped and ate his friends. Uncooked.

He is in prison now, and I never visit.

Above is a picture of James K. Polk since no known picture is available for ole Pops James S. Pork.

Though I call him ole Pops, he is clearly not by father, you of course know this.

Transcript of when I called WingStop and Troy Aikman answered

Troy: WingStop, we got wings!

Me: Hi, can I place an order for...

Troy: Superbowl rings? Mine aren't for sale. Kidding. How can I help you?

Me: Umm... can I place an order for 10 hot and 10 lemon pepper.

Troy: I'm not gay, I finally got married.

Me: Sorry?

Troy: These are the best wings ever. We've won festivals and such.

Me: Oh. Um...

Troy: I've won many, many Superbowls as a quarterback. Do you recognize me?

Me: You are a quarterback?

Troy: For the NFL. Maybe you heard of it.

Me: Um...

Troy: Guess!

Me: I wanted some celery sticks too.

Troy: Guess who I am, you are so smart!

Me: Roger Staubach?

Troy: Staubach?

Me: Farve?

Troy: He's only won once! I said many.

Me: Joe Montana? Awesome!

Troy: No! Troy Aikman. I'm Troy Aikman.

Me: Oh. (pause.) I thought you said you weren't gay.

Troy: I'm not!

(Long pause.)

Me: So just the wings and celery then.

Troy: You want blue cheese?

Me: Sure.

Prof. Snape's lines cut from the latest Harry Potter film

* Potter, just because the sign says one dozen cookies, doesn't mean you have to eat one dozen cookies.

* This is my pet dog, Potter, he is very sick.

* Grainger, never refuse when someone offers you a mint.

* Weasley, does your HD TV have HDMI input?

* It's Red Vines on the west coast, Potter! Twizzlers on the east coast!

* Prof. Dumbledoor loaned me this sweater. Do you like it, Potter?

* What do you mean there is no Prof. Fondlebottom? Weasley?

* My pet dog is all better, Potter. Thank you for asking.

* You have never read Watchmen, Grainger? It is like literature, Grainger.

* Potter, I am really evil. Look to me to kill someone you love very soon. Potter.

Goodbye Dog!

Hello Kitty is yesterday's news. There's no money in it. You say Hello to Kitty, and then Kitty stays there. There is no need to buy more Kitty, since you said Hello and why would Kitty leave?

I have invented a new success - Goodbye Dog!

There is much money in this for me, yes.

When you say Goodbye to Dog, the Dog is sad and leaves. You get the joy of making Dog sad, and then you have no more Dog. To get the joy of sad Dog, you have to buy another Goodbye Dog for you to say Goodbye to it.

The cycle repeats endlessly.

$$$!

Here is more trivia for you. Where does Goodbye Dog go when you say Goodbye?

To Rusty's tavern in Tampa, FLA. 2 for 1 Hurricanes! Spring Break!

Non irony alert

Did you know that if you give a voice mail to a podcast, someone from a major newspaper will post it on their blog? It's like all web 2.0 and stuff.

Anyway I submitted a voice mail on my fave movie podcast Filmspotting and it got written up (briefly) by tribune critic Michael Phillips. Check out item #2 on the blog.

My podcast voice mail mention on this blog makes me more famous than George Clooney. Suck it, Clooney.

The blog...

http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/talking_pictures/2007/07/two-from-out-th.html

And the postcast... (Filmspotting is terrific always, BTW)

http://www.filmspotting.net/2007/07/filmspotting-167-sicko-transformers-top.html

Ah Clooney, I can't stay mad at you!

Condoleezza Nice!

While she may be the heart and soul of the worst presidential administration since fuckin' Taft, I think Condoleezza Rice should be called Condoleezza NICE!

Why do I say so?

* When told she made Time Magazine's list of 100 Most Influential People, she said "Aw Shucks, Fellas."

* Her policy of Transformational Diplomacy is based on democratic values, which are nice values generally.

* Refuses to waterboard people, at least personally.


Since Condie is such a sweetie, I think we should think of other nicknames for famous Rices.

* SF 49er player Jerry Rice is now called Jerry Thrice, for his three or more Super Bowl rings.

* Author Anne Rice is now called Anne Ice, for her chillingly realistic depiction of Tom Cruise as a gay vampire.

* Boston Red Sox player Jim Rice is now called Jim Lice, for his refusal to wash his uniform that led to an infestation of grubs.

* Gary Hart's friend Donna Rice is now called Donna Vice, cause she had sex with that one guy once.

And I should be called Greg Mice, cause Mice is allllll I eat!

The fun kind of bleeding

Contrary to Wikipedia, bleeding is normally not a fun activity.

But there are exceptions, three to be precise, when bleeding is a hoot.

1) When you bleed into the FunSparkle Bleed Machine, the most entertaining machine ever invented that runs on human blood.

2) When the FunSparkle Bleed Machine gives you a FunTime cut, making you bleed some more, and making the FunSparkle Bleed Machine twirl even faster.

3) When bleeding on the class action suit affidavit to the FunSparkle Bleed Machine Company that will make you rich, rich, rich!

So now I am worth tens of thousands, and have countless cuts on my hands and face?

Just like Edward James Olmos.

Photo by Jillallyn

Draft of my personal ad for comments

Hi, I am going to post a personal ad on Yahoo Personals in 86 days and I'm very excited.

Here is what I have so far, and I'd love you to comment.


SWM, 39, seeks buddy to flip pancakes and make fun of others. Not sexual, but open to being perceived by others as creepy.

Must love Must Love Dogs
Also must love dogs
Also must love Dogz (children's toy line)
Also must love The Gods Must Be Crazy
Also must be crazy
Also must love the Gods
Also must love guns
Also must love Gun Crazy

Love of pancakes not required, but must love flipping things.


So what do you think? Maybe I can get a celebrity pal this way? Justin Long perhaps, TV's "Mac"?

The opening of "The Shield"

Before the beginning of the FX series, "The Shield," an announcer must read the content rating by law. Here is a recent announcer's transcript:

"The Shield is rated TV-MA L S GV M A FOS GFFOHO DBIPOUT for Language, Sexual Situations, Nudity, Graphic Violence, Mutilations, Amputations, Forced Oral Sex, Guy's Face Forced On Hot Oven, and a Dude Burned In Pile Of Old Tires.

"It also has a scene where a fetus is ripped from a dying pregnant mother in a back alley. Serious... It's pretty fu(beep)d up."

(Long Pause...)

"This is supposed to be entertainment... ya know..."

(Rambling continues for 2-3 more minutes.)

(Loud knocking on the outside of the booth.)