President Reagan has been shot!

By Casper Weinburger

Everyone, thanks for meeting in the situation room. As you know a few hours ago, President Reagan has been shot by a lone gunman, John Hinkley. We are investigating whether the assassin was backed by the Soviets.

The Reds think they can get the Gipper, but he's tougher than all of them.

Contrary to the assertions of Mr. Haig, Vice-President Bush is in charge until the President is in full recovery. Now, in the meantime, we need a full profile on this Hinkley, including known political--

What?

The shooting happened over 25 years ago?

Damn, someone set my PC clock to March 30, 1981 again.

Go to hell, George P. Schultz!

Joyful News

Floo, the Wood Elf, who can bring all the woodland creatures together in harmony, who can spin rainbow light into solid cakes of love, whose every move can heal the sick, even those with some kind of bone marrow disease, whose smell is like that of a flower and a strawberry mixed together in a mixed drink at a Pretty Convention, whose smile would melt a Nazi and have that Nazi be remolded into a kind African boy, whose ability to hit home runs is only equalled by his ability to point to the stand in which he will hit that home run, died today in a hunting accident.

He had no survivors.

My favorite 5 things about Fantastic 4 part 2

5) The military uniforms are surprisingly accurate.

4) Stan Lee's embarrassing cameo gives us one more opportunity to laugh at that sad fool.

3) For a few brief moments, we glimpse a semi-nude Micheal Chiklis.

2) Since Dr. Doom is played as an effeminate Eastern European, his cape and bondage armour now makes sense.

1) The movie's ending comes a good 10 minutes before I typically would attempt to gouge my eyes out.

Spid-ey-Mo

I love the new Emo Spider-man.

When Sandman attacked, Spidey played Elliot Smiths "Fond Farewell for a Friend" with My Chemical Romance as his back-up band. Sandman then got all mopey.

Then Courtney Love and Norman Osborne murdered Kurt Cobain and Uncle Ben Parker and I have proof!

KCRW has made threatening sexual advances to me

The Santa Monica Public Radio station, KCRW, has made several threatening sexual advances to me and it has to stop.

Listen to the titles of their shows.

"The Business" - as in "I am going to give you... the business." What is the business? Does it involve me removing my pants?

"The Treatment" - as in "I am going to give you... the treatment." Much more unnerving? Does this treatment involve auto-erotic asphyxiation?

"Left, Right and Center" - clearly a name for his member and sidecars

"Movie Reviews with Joe Morganstern" - simply disgusting

I am going to report you to NPR (specifically Steve Inskeep), if you don't stop this, KCRW.

I'd switch to the Pasadena station (KCPP), but only if knew they would stop bitch-slapping me.

Jerry Orbach is really Johann Sebastian Bach

Star of stage, screen, and Law and Order screen, Jerry Orbach is the best actor over 90 on TV today.

Or is he? Look at his stage name and you see a clear message.

Jerry:
Je - the french personal pronoun (le pronom personnel) for "I"
Re - to repeat, like Groundhog Day, or the Bill Murray movie about Groundhog Day

Orbach:
Or - the Cockney accent for "whore"
Bach - JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH!

Or Simply - "I am the whore J.S. Bach who lives my life over and over like the movie about Groundhog day."

So Jerry Orbach is screaming to us that he is the reincarnated Germanic composer, who is doomed to star in police procedurals during a series of infinately concurrent afterlives.

Likely as punishment for fucking awful Brandenburg Concertos.

Dying is easy

I'm back after a slight ailment.

Turns out I was, in fact, dead for several weeks. I would type on my keyboard, chuckling at my oft-misunderstood wit. But my words of gold would fail to ascend the servers of our beloved Google.

What was wrong? Did my IP address have too many "bits" in it? Was my CPU spending all of its power forcing digitized humans to race light cycles?

Maybe it was that truck that hit me? I still have that headlight shard in my eye socket and that can't be good. Plus I can walk through walls... and last time I looked, my name was not Shadowcat!!! (See X-Men #139)

Yep, I was dead. So how did I come back? It's easy, and you can do it yourself through a simple five step process involving common household items.

1) Rub head with Epsom salts
2) Take a hot bath
3) Remove shard of glass from eye/brain
4) Trade your soul for the life of all the pets on your street (to the demon "Dogeater")
5) Buy a new wardrobe! You earned it.

So my keyboard works, and my CPU has returned Jeff Bridges to the human world. All is right again.

Or is it?

Yes. Turns out it is.

Forgiveness

I know the posting has dropped off substantially in May.

Two reasons.

1) I am an alcoholic.
2) Contrary to the advice of my friends and family, I have taken advantage of AA's "go back on booze" month of May.

The problem... here it is June, and I still like drinking that booze!

I question the logic of AA's program, but who am I to turn down the chance to "get active" in my alcoholism again.

Here's to my visions of spiders...

(Holding a mug of 99 cent vodka and $50 a shot cough syrup)

Your Pal,
Greeeeeeeeeeeeeg