You can't handle the junk

Charlie Chaplin once had a love child with an even smaller man. The result of this tryst was yet an even smaller man.

THAT man, the love child, then took off all his clothes and performed at the Hollywood bowl.

The cost to see this show, free. In fact, by attending, you received $50.

Who came to the show? Can't you see from the picture?

Why did no one show up? Perhaps THE LOVE CHILD'S MAN JUNK was too much for them! Ever think of that?

No you didn't.

Academy Award Winners of 3,000,000 A.D.

After 10,000 years, the Academy Awards were revived from cancellation in 12,008 A.D. through the efforts of Dame Judy Dench's distant ancestor, Willie Fernfly Dench.

They thrived until the natural end of the planet Earth, albeit with rather low ratings. (You Tube continued to take much of the show's audience.)

As you requested, here are the winners of the last Oscar neuroncast, finished moments before the sun's nova explosion engulfed the earth.

Best Picture: Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AHG8

Best Actor: Zzzz, Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AHK10

Best Actress: Zzz*$z, Nanobot Orgasm Stimulation #402AGR31

Best Original Screenplay: Nanobot Orgasm and Murder Stimulation #402AGXX32

Best Adapted Screenplay: Howard's End (infinite remake edition)

Thalberg Award: Warren Beatty

Academy Award Winners of 3,000,000 BC

Now that the Academy Awards have finally given the Oscar to Martin Scorsese, the awards have been cancelled moving forward.

With the final episode of the Oscars airing last night, Clown Vs. Wolf thought you would want to "look back" at the winners of the first every Academy Awards, held in the year 3 million B.C. in the Shrine Auditorium.

Best Picture: Scream at Tiger, Large Teeth

Best Actor: Oog, Fire Bad

Best Actress: Heervoo, Make Nice Kiss Kiss

Best Makeup: Mud Fall Down

Best Costume: Big Leaf Cover Pee Poo

Best Adapted Screenplay: Mud Fall Down (adapted from the folktale, The Death of Kreeno the Clumsy)

Best Original Screenplay: The Remains of the Day

Thalberg Award: Chief Googoo, for not eating all the babies

Secrets of the Da Vinci Code!

Now that the Ron Howard film The Da Vinci Code won Best Picture at the 2006 Academy Awards, it is safe to reveal the secrets of the film.

These secrets are not spoilers if you saw the movie al fresco, better known as "normal style." These secrets only come out if you watch the film under the influence of expired homemade mescaline.

FACT: The holy grail is not a grail at all, but is, in fact, a "cup."

FACT: The Louve restaurant is not a restaurant at all, but in fact is a house of fine art available for purchase.

FACT: It is legal to murder someone in the Louve, as long as you drag the body around and write clues in the victim's blood.

FACT: Ian McKellen is Gandalf, Magneto, and a raving queen. All three things give him incredible nerd cred.

FACT: The Knights Templar were neither Knights nor manufactures of Templar, a non-stick coating found on pots or pans.

FACT: Mary Magdalene had mutated lady parts, as dramatized in the film Dead Ringers (in which Jeremy Irons and another guy who looks a lot like Jeremy Irons really gets excited about Mary Magdalene for that very reason.)

What does this all mean? That if you want to save the world from the bad guys who love Jesus, make sure you hide the key to all humanity in a bunch of codes only history nerds could solve.

Why? Because once a guy finds the key to all humanity, it will likely be a hot chick, and that hot chick would never bang a history nerd, therefore saving the world.

Here is the latest Ziggy

Here is a funny little story about today's Ziggy comic strip.

The original text of this was "Suicide Hotline." And the woman said: "I never thought I'd be telling anyone this, but I think you're better off doing it."

Ziggy creator Tom Wilson is going through a rough patch right now.

After receiving the strip, the editors changed the text to its current version.

Free Pie

You did it! You won free pie!

Pick up the free pie at the corner of 1st and Main Street. I'll be the guy with a trench coat and tube socks (I have lost the shoes pictured here).

Your pie will be in several pieces in my several pockets.

Just pull the pieces of pie out yourself and assemble them in a tin.

The pie is neither fruit, cream or meat based. When you see what it is made of, you will be shocked!

YOU WON FREE PIE!

Canada's New Plan

Neo-conservatives (Hannity, Wolfawitz, et al.) are falling out of favor in the states, what with all the mismanagement, lying, and sex with teens.

So the Canadian government sees this as an opportunity, and is opening their borders to these misunderstood captains of industry.

In order to attract that sweet, sweet neo-con cash, the Canadian government is eliminating all income taxes for people making more than $200,000 a year.

Sounds perfect? There is a catch! Anyone who pays taxes has the right to pass wind in the face of those who pay none.

Are we to believe that Canada is eliminating income tax for neo-cons just so they can fart in their face?

I am not sure, but during the press conference annoucing the new plan, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was distinctly giggling.

The Jerky Boys Musical

I heard on the radio that the winner of the 2006 Tony Award for Best Musical is a show called The Jerky Boys. I am sure I heard that correctly.

I can only imagine the loving songs of this fantasic musical.

* "You order Chinese Food, you no come pick up!"

* "I got a funny little drinking problem!"

* "Ode to Brett Weir"

* "These tomatoes are dried up."

* "You're The One That I Want (Woo Ooo Ooo Kumar!)"

This sure makes the Dreamgirls Oscar Snub in perspective. Why like that crap, when you can enjoy a musical about phony phone calls?

Bugs Bunny speaks out against Paracoccidioidomycosis

After Chuck Jones got in trouble with the IRS for failing to report the income he received betting on turtle races in Key West, he cut a deal with the government. Jones agreed to direct short films staring Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, informing the public about the dangers of lesser known diseases.

The following is the transcript from one of these films.
______________

Bugs and Daffy are leaning on a tree. Daffy has a pipe.

Bugs: Eh, what's up, doc?

Daffy: I'll tell you what is up! Cases of Paracoccidioidomycosis!

Bugs: Paracoccidioidomycosis is a mycosis caused by Paraco... ccidioides. It is sometimes called "South American blastomycosis", doc, but is caused by a different fungus than that which causes blastomycosis.

Daffy: Whatta maroon.

Bugs: (squinting has he tries to read cue cards off camera) If you get exposed, and your mycosis becomes... Sub...cutan...eous, know that these infections are difficult to treat and may require surgical debridement.

Daffy: Or just use Castor oil!

Bugs: Yeah, that should cure it. Castor oil, whatever.

(Bugs sighs, looking bored.)

Daffy: If you are exposed, see your school nurse. And tell your pop to vote for Eisenhower.

Bugs: Yep. (Bugs wanders off set.)

Daffy: Bugs?

(Daffy looks blankly, shrugs. Then he listens to someone off mumbling off camera.)

Daffy: We have seventy more of these to do?

I am "Iron Man"

With the Iron Man movie coming out, I thought I would catch the fever and replace a piece of my body with iron. I am not familiar with the Iron Man character, but I'd imagine it has something to do with replacing a fleshy body part with an iron one.

I first was going to chop off my hand and replace with a robot hand. But robot hands are sooooo the turf of a Matt Helm villain.

So I thought about it and have made my decision. I have replaced my skin-based pituitary gland with an iron-based one.

But the joke is on me. My new iron pituitary gland secretes no enzymes, it is just for show. As a result, I have no growth hormone, and am now 45% my original size. I am also lactating breast milk at a wicked pace.

At least I should be able to get on my local news once the Iron Man movie comes out.

It is directed by Jon Favreau.

Art by Adi Granov

Slot Machine Madness

As this is Clown vs. Wolf posting #100, it is time to detail the exact payouts of the slot machine that I have in the casino located in my basement.

Cherry, anything, anything - 1 coin
Cherry, cherry, anything - 2 coins
cherry, cherry, cherry - jackpot (does not happen)

bell, bell, bell - 15 coins
belle, belle, belle - Beauty and the Beast DVD (out of print)

bar, anything, anything - free drink
bar, bar, anything - buy me a drink?
bar, bar, bar - where is that damn bar? What? Last Call? Why you lousy...

baby, baby, baby - free baby
baby, baby, anything - free baby
baby, anything, anything - free baby
anything, anything, anything - free baby

WON'T SOMEONE TAKE THIS SCREAMING BABY AWAY!!!

Photo by liberalmind1012

My new cell phone ring tone

I often don't hear my cell phone ring, so I got myself a new ring tone.

In order for me to hear it, I chose the startling sound of a gun shot. For realism, the sound is deafening, and it goes off right next to my ear.

Since no cell phone can duplicate a gun shot by my ear, I have replaced by traditional bluetooth earpiece with a .38 snub nose. I put my ear in the place your trigger finger goes.

Through science that I shall not explain, whenever my phone rings, the .38 fires. Since I don't want to shoot any people who are not mailmen, I load the gun with blanks.

However, I am questioning the effectiveness of these blanks, since people are sure look like they are actually shot whenever a telemarketer rings to sell me more term life insurance.

Maybe I should not have hired the prop man from The Crow to load my bluetooth .38 full of blanks.

Photo by Thms

The final word about Jesus

Compare Jesus to Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient.

Both die.

Both are put in a cave.

Both wait three days.

But only one comes out.

Ha Ha, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient... you are NOTHING like Jesus. Stay in that cave, lady!

What's that? You say that Jesus was never nominated for an Oscar?

Why are you talking, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient. You are so dead in a cave and I just proved a wicked point about Jesus!

What's that again? You say Jesus never was awarded the Légion d'honneur by the French government in 2005?

God, Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient, you know how to ruin a guy's fun!

Stay in that cave, lady!

Photo by Steve Deger

The Five Seasons

Someone with mild genetic stupidness (not the sad kind, but the kind that is OK to make fun of) asked me a question today. "What are the names of the five seasons?" Since he had that funny genetic stupidness, I thought this was another one of his dumb, dumb questions.

But it turns out he is right. There are, in fact, five seasons.

1) Winter
2) Spring
3) Summer
4) Fall, or "Autumn"
5) James Van Der Beek

How is this true? Were there not only four seasons just weeks ago? And why is one of the seasons the name of a forgotten Dawson's Creek star?

James Van Der Beek is indeed a real season. It lasts 8 days, and is in mid-December - that time that really should be winter, but still is technically fall (cause fall is a dick and won't give it up).

What do you do for these 8 days? Play football in colorful leaves or drink hot cocoa and wrap presents? Turns out neither. You watch Varsity Blues and The Rules of Attraction and weep for what might have been.

Why did James Van Der Beek get his own season? Turns out he is the distant grandson of black wizard Oliver Cromwell. And therefore he is the most powerful magician in Hollywood, second only to Babe-star James Cromwell.

If you don't believe me, check it out in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasons. (If it is not in the entry when you check, some non-believer has taken out my edit!)

One other perk during the James Van Der Beek season... murder without consequence or remorse!

I have to roast this woman, not literally

I am tasked with writing a scathing attack on this very nice woman. Powerful people are paying me to do this, so she must have pissed off someone.

All I found out about her is that she is good-natured and kind to children. That ain't funny!

She likes the Packers, which is more lame and sad than funny.

I'll make up three lies about her...

1) She once dressed up a dog in a Joe Stalin costume and made out with it.

2) She once called up Shirley Temple Black and agreed with her crazy pro-Vietnam opinions.

3) She once destroyed one of the "Twenty-Four Histories," specifically the Book of Wei. Now China only had 23 Histories - which is totally creepy given that Jim Carrey movie is coming out where he is scared of that number.

Ah, I need help... Post some comments with attacks on this woman! The secret power brokers want her taken down!

The Toronto Raptors: finally embarassed about the name

The Toronto Raptors issued this statement Wednesday evening.

We acknowledge that our franchise name of "Raptors," which was coined at the height of Jurassic Park-fever, is today totally lame.

While the effects seemed amazing in 1993, today they seem a bit tired. Not that much better than Dino De Laurentiis' King Kong remake, if you ask us.

We can't help but think that if we had named our franchise right after Return of the Jedi, we would be called the "Toronto Ewoks."

We plan on changing our name soon to fix this error. The two leading contenders are the "Toronto Jack Sparrows" or the "Toronto Nights (at the Museum)."

I'm glad for the mea culpa. However, this blatant attempt at movie tie-in sports franchises is not the worst offense in sports history. That distinction goes to the NHL farm team called the "St. Louis Last Starfighters."

Ray Suarez: Cluster of Evil Insects?

The blogosphere is a nice place to find out interesting information. For example here is some "TV Trivia" I leared about NPR host and News Hour fill-in Ray Suarez.

Ray Suarez is not a human, but rather a cluster of insects born of the devil himself. If you ask Mr. Suarez to support our troops, he will swarm you with deadly bites.

His fill-in News Hour moderation of Shields and Brooks clearly favors Shields, and he vomits on his food before consuming it.

DDT does not work on him, nor does White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

The source for this funny, clever news is The Coalition of Family Focus Hertigage Values, the Christian extreme right wing arm of Fox News and that Drudge guy.

As an agnostic, I pray to no one in particular

Every night before my evening meal, my agnostic family says the following prayer.

Dear Whomever,

I pray that you and your other gods, or you by yourself, are infinite, or finite, or non-deity-like in every way. Your singular or plural wisdom knows either no bound or plenty of bound.

We hope to follow your path of loving kindness, stern vengeance, or that "grey area" in between, depending on who you actually are.

When we die, our souls will go to Heaven, Hell, some kind of holding place, to the body of a stray dog, or to the "Uni-mind." You decide.

And thanks for the chicken. It looks great.

A-men, praise be to Allah, and l'chaim!

Photo by greggoconnell

Colts Victory and a surprize!

As our offices are located in Seymour Indiana, everyone at CvW were happy to see the Colts win Superbowl XLI.

We were also shocked to see that Tony Dungy was revealed to be a "little person" no bigger than 3 foot 7.

Dungy, shown here hugging Peyton Manning, is finally revealed to be munchkin-like.

Why did we not realize this before? CGI.

Dungy finally came clean minutes after the game. "I represent Christians, African Americans, and the lollypop guild."

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts, the team that makes me cry... this time with happiness.

Photo by the AP

Congratulations to "Clocky Office"

Once there was a boy born by the name of Clocky Office. His name came from the fact that the first thing his mother saw when he was born was a clock, and that clock was located in an office.

Clocky Office could never tell time, and he was bad at filing. In fact, he works construction and is consistently late to appointments.

Therefore, we at the International Institute of Irony (aka the III), have determined that Clocky Office is our Most Ironic Man of 2006.

Second place was given to Pencil Sharp, a man who prefers pens and keeps his knives perpetually dull.

The award was first given in 1924 to Slim Longfellow, a short fat man.

Last year's winner was James Lipton, as he is not made of onion soup at all.

If you have an ironic name, please don't contact us for this award, as that is usually the tactic of a man who renames himself with a deliberately ironic name. (We are talking to you Vibrant O'Color, a recent albino applicant.)

Photo by Saad

Why did I become a Buddhist right before I had access to this time machine?

Crap! I just awakened from the "sleep of ignorance" by directly realizing the true nature of reality. And it was the same day that I just finished work on this kick ass time machine.

I could totally go back in time and put 100 bucks in a savings account and collect millions today... if I only coveted material things.

I could totally go back 2 years ago and buy Google stock and double my money or more... if I didn't walk on the noble eightfold path.

I could totally buy land where that mall is gonna be, so I can sell it to Westfield Shoppingtown... if I didn't discover the true nature of reality through a lifetime of spiritual cultivation.

I also want to kidnap Steve Jobs, but man...

Loving kindness my ass!

I have orange slice for you

Guest Post by Nice Man DiBrazzi

Hello to you.

I have orange slide for you.

Vitamin C and not a bit of drug that makes you sleep.

Too much health is not a problem. Vitamin C does not ruin your eyes.

Eyes are OK to lick. Does not give germs.

...

Please eat these orange so you can sleep and I can lick your eyes.

...

I HAVE ORANGE SLICE FOR YOU!

Photo by jhull